Worrywart

I have this bad habit of thinking too much. I know that doesn't sound like it should be a bad habit, but it is because when I think too much I start to worry about things that I have no business worrying about (like the baggage retrieval system at Heathrow...never mind.) What I mean is that I worry about things I can't control, and I worry about them too much.

I used to feel like my diabetes was one of those things- I couldn't control it, and I'd worry about it, but I wouldn't do anything about it. I remember sitting on my bed when I was a kid, my pajamas stained with Hawaiian Punch because I'd had another low blood sugar the night before, whatever posters I had on my walls looking down at me like I shouldn't have a care in the world, and thinking to myself Nothing I ever do is going to change this. I am always going to have pajamas stained with red fruit punch. I am always going to be a shaky, sobby mess at three in the morning, and I am never, ever going to be able to get away from this.

(Keep in mind that this was during a period of time where my mother had my hbA1c down in the 6.something range pretty much all the time. I hadn't gotten ahold of the reigns yet...so in a way I really wasn't in control of anything. But it's now twenty+ years later and I'm only just now getting myself back to where Mom had me when I was eight.)

The thing is I can't remember ever not being a diabetic and feeling this way. For instance, the following picture is of me and my dad in Death Valley...and I can't tell you if I have diabetes or not in it.

I'm pretty young in that picture. You can awww. It's okay.

Long story short, I have spent my entire life worrying about diabetes and I have not spent nearly as much time conquering it. I spent too much time worrying about complications and low blood sugars and my weight (brother, have I worried about my weight!) and not enough time taking control of the very thing that could make those worries a non-issue. It has only been very recently that I have learned diabetes is, in fact, something I have a level of control over.

Has taking control been a good thing? Yes. Has it been easy? Oh, God, no. And I still wake up at three in the morning with low blood sugars (though my pajamas are no longer stained withfruit punch.) And there are days I feel like no matter what I do the diabetes is going to do what it wants and disregard everything I tell it to do. And I still worry about low blood sugars and complications and my weight.

But at least I know I'm worrying about something I can control.