The Road Goes Ever On and On...

It's December. That means it's time for Christmas movies, like "Jingle Bell Love" and "Home Alone" and "Die Hard" and "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring." (There's a wise old magic man with a long beard and elves. Also, some family squabbling, a lot of gift giving, and a snow storm. If that doesn't cry out Christmas then I'm not sure what else to tell you.)

https://giphy.com/gifs/BoxOfficetr-lotr-lord-of-the-rings-frodo-WNwErIxqX18xmm92UX

Beyond that, though, it is the time of year that I find it hardest to stick to any kind of diet and be a good little diabetic. I mean, peppermint bark, candy canes, panettone, Christmas cookies...it isn't as if this stuff is around all year long. Maybe it is, but I certainly don't want peppermint bark in July. Anyway, I feel like this is the time of year when I am least likely to pass on something loaded with sugar. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but this stuff is everywhere...

Even my desk at work. 

So why blog about this? Because I am feeling particularly bad about myself and need to get it off my chest. This isn't something that's unusual, but it isn't really warranted. I even had a good doctor's appointment yesterday- everything is trending downward. My A1c, my cholesterol, it all looks better than a year ago. I should be happy about it. But I know I can do better if I put myself on task, and, if I am brutally honest, right now the gas tank is empty. The motivation has moved on. The drive is out of gear. The flesh is weak, and the spirit is right along with it. I'm sure this is in part due to the depression I mentioned last time, and the tired I mentioned last time, but I think it's more than that. I just don't know what it is.

I've been struggling the last few years to really get into the whole "Christmas spirit" thing, in part due to all of this. This is, like, a big thing. I read A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens every December. We are a three tree household (technically five if you count the Charlie Brown trees, which of course you should). I have stockings hung all around the entertainment nook with care.  I have a Mickey's Toon Town light up Christmas set that I spent way too much on and bought over multiple trips to Disneyland twenty years ago. I even have Disney Princess Christmas castles. I used to watch at least five or six Christmas movies as a matter of course every year. I think last year we got through one, maybe two, and both had Beverly D'Angelo in them. 

https://giphy.com/gifs/filmeditor-christmas-movies-vacation-3o6wraf3EMOKbJGkcE

                                                                             

The problem is that it just feels like work anymore. My attention span isn't what it used to be, and to sit and watch a whole movie seems like a giant waste of time that I should be doing something else, even though none of the "something else" ever gets done, even if I don't watch a movie. I seem to get paralyzed and spend even more time watching the endless stuff that shows up in my YouTube feed. I haven't even kept up on Doctor Who for the last several years. That's really saying something.  

https://giphy.com/gifs/doctorwho-doctor-who-dr-the-fires-of-pompeii-gKkyMq5EYLzxMpDIkg

Wish I was. 

I think this year I am going to make it a goal to watch at least six of my usual Christmas movies and not feel guilty about it. It's the second half of that sentence that is the trickiest, I know. I did manage one movie already, so that leaves five more. This year I got the stockings up, and the trees, but not all the ornaments, and Toon Town is still in boxes in the hall closet...though the Princess Christmas castles are still up from last year.  And quite frankly, I should feel good that I got decorated what I got decorated, and that my doctor is happy with how things are looking on the diabetes front. I need to make a concerted effort to be more Who and less Grinch, more Fred and less Scrooge pre-ghostly visits. 

And I really need to cut back on those Christmas cookies...next year. 

The Life and Times Go On

Hello there. 

It's been a while. Quite a lot of things have happened. I won't go into all of it, because a lot of the past four years have been rough, and there are some things I don't necessarily want to relive.

Have you all heard about the weight loss/ Type II diabetes medication Ozempic? I tried it, and it was not for me. I won't go into why, but I will say that for those of you for whom it works, I salute you. 

My pump got an upgrade at the beginning of 2024. It works a LOT better now, but the side effect of my diabetes being in better control is that my weight, unfortunately, is not. I am, in fact, pretty depressed about this. Of course I am a depression eater, so this vicious circle will likely be a reoccurring theme. 

We lost another of our little fur babies this year. Little Miss Rosabel was almost 14, and was just in such a bad way. I miss that little snickerdoodle. I held on too long and I feel so guilty about it. She deserved better. In the end, though, I know she isn't suffering anymore, and I'm sure she had a fantastic reunion with Bandit and Shiva over the rainbow bridge. 

Since last I posed I've gotten a second Master's degree, because one is apparently not enough and unlike most sane people I really enjoy school. If I could only find a job that was all about learning and researching and reading copious amounts of nonfiction...wouldn't that be the cat's pajamas?

So, why am I back pouring my heart out on the internet? Well, for one thing, I finished my degree so I have lots more time on my hands. Even getting more involved in library associations hasn't filled up the time I have spent the past four years working on my degree. And I miss writing. My literary creative juices are getting a little rusty just sitting there. 

I think a better question is, why did I stop? 

In addition to the whole working on another Master's degree, I was getting messaged by people I didn't want to reply to. Believe it or not, not all comments and messages on the internet are positive! I was also a little burned out, and scared of what was happening in the world- I still am, actually- and I think I needed a break. Plus, thinking about my stupid disease wasn't good for me at that time. I also stopped using Facebook, and Twitter (now X, in case you forgot), so getting the word out about new posts is basically down to if you're subscribed to this blog. 

But all is not sad. I have taken up many creative endeavors. I started to collect alcohol markers, and I even sometimes use them. I sometimes sketch, and I really like drawing and coloring. I've even taken up watercolor, though I'm not ace at it. 

Not too shabby with flowers. 

I like painting and playing with color and watching YouTubers that are more talented than I am do things that I wish I could. I have tons of sketchbooks and supplies, and even occasionally use them. The only thing really holding me back is that I am tired.

Sorry, that should have read TIRED. 

I don't know if it's a diet issue, a diabetes issue, or some other issue, but I am TIRED. I am so tired. I am even tired of looking at the word tired. Even in my journal, which is something that I have kept up on over the past few years, every single entry has some comment on how tired I am. I sleep poorly, I guess? And I spend a lot of my waking time trying to present as a relatively happy person, or at the least a person who doesn't consider hiding in her bed for a week rather than face getting up and going in to work every day. The whole "keeping up appearances" thing can drain your energy a lot.

Geez, it's been so long I don't even know how to conclude this. (Note to self, go back and reread the less traumatizing entries to see if you can get your groove back.)