No Excuse...

https://gph.is/XJD5Kg 

It's been over a year since I've blogged, and really, I have no excuse for this...I have several excuses.

I'm tired.

I feel completely drained.

I have a LOT going on in my life on both a personal and professional front.

I haven't felt like writing.

https://gph.is/XL8SdT

I know, it's not like it takes much to write a blog, and I could have carved out a few minutes here and there at several points during the last year, but sometimes a person needs a break to deal with things.

So, in the interest of moving forward without confusion, here's what's been going on in my life that is really relevant to this blog:

I still have diabetes.

Shocker, right? But this is a blog about living with diabetes, and I'm not about to sum up an entire year when the basic fact is I've still got it. I've also got depression, stress, worry, anxiety, bitterness, hopefulness, love, inspiration, regret, and a myriad of other things going on, which is why I've been in therapy every other week for the last year, too. 

And, big confession, I'm not taking care of myself as well as I should be.

https://gph.is/15Id1AE

I know, your mind is blown.

And I have a bunch of excuses for that, too. I'm an excuse making machine. Bottom line is I'm taking care of a lot of other people right now and don't really include myself in it, which will get me yelled at when some people read this. I can blame the pump (and have, multiple times) but the sensors don't work right and the settings give me "NO DELIVERY" alarms not because of faulty manufacturing (at least not all of the time) but because after fifteen years I have enough scar tissue built up in my stomach to make a sequel to Scarface. I am too tired in the middle of the night to get up and  program the thing when it beeps at me. I'm too lazy to really count my carbs. And I'm too depressed to not eat the chocolate-cookies-cheese-box of crackers. 

So why blog about this? Because I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks, and I am tired of her always trying to get me to use the latest thing (inhalable insulin? Sure, why not?) in a misguided attempt to get my A1c under control. It probably makes me sound like an addict, but I could control it any time I wanted to. And I don't. I don't want to deal with it when I have a bunch of other crap I have to deal with. The other crap I have to deal with is in many cases temporary. It may be around for a few years, even, but still. There's a light at the end of that tunnel. The diabetes will still be there. 

And before anyone starts madly typing "you need to take care of yourself before you end up with complications" comments, please. I know this. I know that I have to take care of myself. I'm literally telling you I don't want to right now. My major issue health wise this last year has not been this dumb disease that I have been saddled with for almost all of my life. It's been my mental health. The reason I'm saying this is I have a fantastic support system of friends and family that would do anything to help me, and I still feel like Bilbo. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLlLV2ExI9o

This may be my own fault. Or it could be circumstances. But I feel like not enough people really understand that the weight of "everything in my head" is something I can physically feel pressing down on me. My self respect and sense of self worth are wrapped up in making sure I take care of everyone around me first, and me later if I have the energy And I know this isn't helping the whole diabetes thing. Neither is the fact that there are Girl Scouts hocking overpriced wares in front of the grocery stores right now.

The thing is, if I was really not taking care of myself at all I wouldn't even put the sensors on, and I wouldn't bother bolusing when I eat, and instead of putting on ten pounds in the last few months I'd be back at my diabetic anorexic size 10 self. I wouldn't be on antidepressants. I wouldn't be going to see a counselor every other week. I wouldn't be forcing myself to get out of bed, listen to my anthem*, read parenting books so I could be a better mom to my son and not fight with him all the time (which adds to my depression), be more involved in work things outside of work, or- dare I say it- be in here writing a blog, which is such a huge release for me. Just stream of consciousness writing like this is actually making me feel better....and for the record, while I was writing this I paused to program my pump when it said to do so.

Calling that one a win.

*anthem:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t99KH0TR-J4

John Lennon Said it Best

And it also goes on, regardless of the void that you're now living with.

Three days after Dad passed away I was sitting in pump training. I probably could have cancelled it and put it off for later, but Dad would not have been happy with me for not taking care of myself. I was also out of sensors for the other pump and the new one had been sitting in my linen closet for months, after all.

The new pump I'm on is again a Medtronic. For the most part it's business as usual- I had no problem putting it on and getting it going. It uses the same insulin reservoir, the same insertion settings, and for the most part is very familiar.

Except that it's totally a different thing.

Old pump

New Pump...pay no attention to that high blood sugar.

This new pump has different "modes."  Straight up just on and monitoring your blood glucose (BG) is called manual mode. Letting the pump actually act kind of like a real pancreas is Auto Mode.

Wait, what?

This is some high tech Batman stuff I'm talkin' about here. For one thing, in "manual mode" it has safeguards that will stop the pump from giving you insulin when it notices your blood sugar dropping. As long as the continuous blood glucose sensor is working, this is a game changer.  My other pump would alert me to lows but just keep on trucking along until I either dealt with it or ended up in a coma. And the sensor itself is pretty damn accurate, which is a miracle for Medtronic.

It has to be accurate, because of the whole reason to get this pump. Auto Mode. Auto mode is basically the pump automatically deciding how much insulin I need based on previously gathered sensor data, current sensor glucose readings, and (this is the scariest part) what I input into the device.

Give myself insulin before I eat?

Count my carbs?

What madness is this?

Actually, if I can keep myself in the habit of doing those things, we may see some significant improvement in my next a1c. I had a pretty scary low the other night because I mis-counted the carbs, and today I'm riding high for the same reason, but otherwise since I started using the auto mode on Tuesday I've been pretty steady between 70-160.

I will say this, though, (since you know it's rare I have no complaints)- the new pump is a needy little wretch. I've been checking my blood sugar more than average. More than I think I have since I started on CGM in the first place. (And yes, I know this is a really stupid thing to be complaining about because it's status quo for all diabetics that we get the finger stick several times a day.)

There are other things about it that kind of annoy me. It takes several more clicks to do things now, like silence it or give a bolus. Whereas before a blind person could use the pump now there is a lock on it that requires sight to bypass, so that sucks. And then there's this-

Apparently the adhesives for the old pump gave people a lot of problems, like allergies, so Medtronic changed them. Now there are two redesigned adhesive tapes they insist we use, and the result, at least on my skin, is the above. Itchy, red, painful...it's pretty awful. And of course, once I get it off I'm putting a new one on, and it's a big radius on those things. I've been constantly overlapping that tape on top of already irritated skin. 

Fortunately, the other tape came in packets of ten, even though there were only five sensors in the box. I have tons of them left over, so in spite of the request to use their "new and improved" tape, I'll keep on keepin' on with the old ones until they stop making them so that my stomach looks like I've got horrible rashes all over it. 

Complaints aside, I have high hopes for this thing. If it really can help me regulate my blood sugars better then that's only a good thing. I'm not getting any younger and even though the retina specialist I saw this morning said the pictures of my retinas were "excellent" and that I should keep up the good work, getting things closer to normal is the goal. And maybe this time with this pump things will be just that much easier over all. It's not like I can really control this disease, but guiding it might be an obtainable goal.

Growing Up...I'm against it.

As I sit here in my living room this morning with BabyFirst TV playing silently as Baby sleeps, I find I have come to a decision.

I was never a big Will and Grace fan, but this picture my husband put on my Facebook page today accurately sums up how I've been feeling the last two weeks. Being an adult is hard. It's sometimes fun because you have the money and the decision making power, but it will never be as good as being a kid was. Speaking of kids, I went to see New Kids on the Block less than a week ago and for two glorious hours I was 12 again. I was singing along, and dancing, and screaming, and laughing, and the weight of everything in my life that has been pressing down on me was just gone for two straight hours. It really was like being 12 again.

I miss being 12.

When I was 12 everything was either black or white. Good or Evil. Right or Wrong. Now everything is shades of gray and Davy Jones isn't even with us anymore.

I don't like paying bills and my inbox is mostly filled with emails labeled BILLS. I don't like having to clean my house but if my husband and I don't do it no one else will. I don't like laundry or dirty dishes, but they stack up if you ignore them. Nor do I like having to stay home from work when Baby isn't feeling well, but the daycare insists that he be well when we bring him even though that's where he gets sick. I don't like going to the doctor whether it's for me or Baby or one of the dogs, but not going leads to bigger problems I don't like even more. I don't like that I'm tired most of the time because Bandit whines to get up at least four or five times a night and my pump usually beeps at me as if that's the only thing it is meant to do so I don't sleep well, even with the new mattress we got yesterday that so far has lived up to the company's promises. I guess that's what coffee is for.

Being an adult means having responsibilities. Some of those are good- like being the boss. But responsibilities can suck- also like being the boss. Sometimes I want the buck to stop on my desk, and sometimes I want it to bypass my desk entirely. Alas, you cannot always pick and choose what you are responsible for and what you can leave for someone else to deal with. 

I miss Phil and Lem

If I had no responsibilities, I could be in Disneyland right now instead of home taking a sick day. Or I could fly across the county and go see NKOTB again this summer with some of my friends instead of going to San Fran to do work stuff. Or I could sit at home all day every day and actually blog or write another book or exercise and have time to pamper myself and relax more and stress less. 

Uh oh, Baby is waking up...must type faster...

I'm not saying that being an adult is all bad, or that I'm regretting the choices I've made that have led to the responsibilities I have. I'm actually happy with my life. I'm even in pretty good shape health wise. My last HbA1c was only .1 higher than the time before and I thought I did a rotten job of taking care of myself the past four months. Overall things are good. But the dogs need their shots, I need to go to the eye doctor, my husband has been sick, Baby isn't feeling well, we have a couple BIG projects going on at work that I'm not there to deal with and my inbox is still full of bills that are due in the next couple weeks. 

I'm just saying that I need more time to be 12.

The Year in Review

Well, it's been interesting. I've had some awesome things going on, and some not awesome things going on, and I guess everything has kind of balanced out.

The Awesome:

I have an awesome husband, though this has carried over from last year and the year before...and several years preceding that. We're actually coming up on fifteen years of marriage next year (we got married young) and I am grateful to have him.

We thought for sure we were going to lose Bandit last month, and it wasn't until we changed vets and discovered the poor thing has diabetes that he started to get better, and he's better. We're still figuring things out with him, but he's put weight back on and is more energetic, and I don't look at him and think he only has days left anymore. I think he'll be around for a while.

My last doctor's appointment went well, and my hemoglobin was 6.7 so I'm doing a lot better than I thought I was diabetes wise.

w00t.

I asked about the generic insulin thing, and they told me that it's basically the same thing as what I've been using, so I'm not going to worry about that. The blood testing strip thing I've still got to deal with, and cancel the automatic reorder that Medtronic does before I get charged for the whole order. I don't think they carry strips for other machines so I'll have to call the doctor's office and get them to either write a plea to the insurance company for me or prescribe me something that the insurance company will cover. This Christmas season has seen me eating more cookies than is necessary so I'll definitely need to get back on top of my game to keep that 6.7.

We got our first foster care placement, and baby has been a sweet and loving addition to our home. I wish I was allowed to share pictures because that smile would light your world. Being a parent has been about what I expected, though whether or not I was really prepared for that remains to be seen. It seems to have done good things for my blood sugars, which I had not expected. Running after a crawling baby counts as exercise, I guess.

I got to see New Kids on the Block four nights in a row this summer. I doubt I'll ever be able to swing that again so I'm glad I got to do it at least once, and I'm glad I got to hang out with some friends I don't get to see much. It was a lot of fun to scream and sing along and feel twelve again!

Work has been good. I like my job, I like the people I work with, and I think the next year will be more of the same there- only with new carpet! (It's going to be a major undertaking but I'm ridiculously excited about it!)

The Not So Awesome:

Well, I've still got diabetes, and now Bandit does. My husband still has headaches. And foster parenting is hard- harder than I had anticipated. There is a lot more to it than just parenting, and I don't know that I'd recommend it to many people because I think it takes a certain type of person to handle the emotional roller coaster that comes with it. We want what's best for baby, and whether that means staying with us or going back home remains to be seen, but either way I hope that baby will be happy and healthy. Time will tell how things will turn out!

Note to self: get a TARDIS.

I hope you all have a happy end to 2014 and a great beginning to 2015!

Diabetes Girl, meet Diabetes Dog

Yeah, you read that right. Bandit has diabetes. Poor thing gave us the scare of a lifetime this last weekend.

January 2011

For a while now my husband has not been a fan of our vet. He's thought for years that they over charge us, which they probably have been. As my experience with vets is limited  I've never had any reason to doubt where we've been going as far as care is concerned, but I told him if he wanted to get a second opinion he could if he wanted to. So since Bandit has been steadily declining the past month or two he decided it was time to do that. Bandit had bronchitis a couple months ago, and the vet had him on a ton of medication. Steroids, pain relievers, allergy meds, anxiety meds- he was taking more pills than us, but not getting better. Sure, he wasn't coughing anymore, but he was also losing weight at an alarming rate and clearly not eating. In fact, he was getting a lot worse- worse to the point that we were sure we were losing him, and taking him for a second opinion felt a little like a last ditch effort to avoid an ugly truth staring us in the face.

At first they thought he might have cancer, which broke my heart. They did a lot of blood work, and low and behold the pup's blood sugar was way out of control. Long story short (too late), he's not on pills anymore, except for the antibiotic he's on because of the pancreatitis the old vet never diagnosed and IV he was on during his four and a half day hospital stay. The other tests they did to check for cancer all came back negative, too. He very clearly has diabetes.

April 2012

Right now he's home, and we're giving him shots twice a day, and having to force feed him because after all of that his appetite is nonexistent, which is normal, especially considering how high his blood sugar was. At one point it was well over 600, so I can see why he wouldn't want to eat. He probably felt terrible, because I know if my blood sugar was that high all I'd want to do is drink the Atlantic Ocean and then maybe just die. Imagine the worst hangover you've ever had. Now double it. Would you want to eat? Hopefully in the next week or so he'll start to feel well enough that we won't have to puree his dog food and plunge it into his mouth so he'll have some nutrition.

The thing is, I feel like a prize idiot. Lethargy. Drinking excessive amounts of water. Losing weight dramatically. All things I know are a sign of diabetes, and I never put them together when I saw them in him. And then there's the fact hat he's been grossly overweight most of his life, and the last time he was in the ER the doctor saw his blood sugar was elevated and thought he may have it. When we checked with our now former vet and they redid his blood work he was in a normal range, but high normal. So I let it go, and it got bad, and then you add pancreatitis to that and it got very bad.

October 2013

Why didn't I see this coming? I mean, at that point we should have put him on a diet to lower his weight and have started to monitor his blood sugars all the fraking time, but we didn't. Now we have to nurse our poor baby back to health because he's rail thin, doesn't want to eat anything (though he does much better with the force feeding than I imagined he would), and has diafuckingbetes.

I feel so guilty.  I let him get fat. I fed him from the table. I didn't take him for walks. I didn't pay attention. And we almost lost him because of it. The good thing is that he doesn't seem to care much about the shots, and I can give those to him fairly easily right now. When his strength is back up to normal I'm hoping this stays the same, because even at  45 pounds he still puts up one hell of a fight with the force feeding!

So now we have in our home a diabetic mommy and diabetic doggy, a daddy with migraines, an older doggy who seems to be okay (thought now I'm wondering if we should take Shiva in for a physical all things considered), a Cairn terrier with hip dysplasia that has thankfully not progressed to a point where surgery is necessary, and a baby that laughs and gurgles and delights us all but keeps bringing home a head cold from daycare and passing it around to everyone. (Seriously, I just got over the last one and I'm sneezing again.)

My baby's home.

This Thanksgiving, I know what I am thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband, my family, my friends, my dogs (who are family). For Christmas this year, I don't want things. I don't want movies or toys or clothes or even my entire debt paid off (although if anyone is willing to do that I won't say no.) All I want for Christmas is for all of my family to be here, to be healthy, and to be happy, and I will consider myself a very lucky woman if this happens.

Parenthood

So...I'm a mom. A foster mom. And I've been a mom for less than a week.

What the hell am I doing???

Don't get me wrong- Baby is adorable. And he's a good baby- rarely cries, is happy a lot. And so far I think I'm handing the feeding-diapering- being spit up on thing okay. But the honest truth is that I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to do this for the rest of my life at this rate. I'm completely overextended. And I know, I know, everyone is telling me it's rewarding and I'll get used to it and everyone feels overwhelmed at first...but I don't think that's really my issue.

Bandit has been getting sicker the past few weeks- lots of whining, trouble walking, and on even more meds than me. My husband has had a migraine since the day Baby came into our lives and even though he's the rock I'm leaning against he feels like he's not doing enough. Shiva and Rosabel are both visibly needier and have changed some of their behaviors. I've missed almost a week of work and we've been trying to get daycare and pediatrician visits and birth parent visits scheduled in a week. And if I've eaten 1000 calories a day since last Monday I'll be surprised. And maybe it's that way for everyone when a new baby comes into their life.

But I'm a diabetic, and right now I'm last on the care scale. Baby, husband, dogs, work, me. And I know I'm not going to be able to keep this up because I'm tired, and my blood sugars have been low, and I'm losing weight (yay!) but in a bad way (boo!) I honestly don't know what I'd do without my husband and my mom. Single mothers? You're ranked above the police and fire fighters in my hero book right now.

Aaaand, Baby has been awake for this whole thing, but has been really good while I've been freaking out about the dog (who is going to the vet) and sitting here looking like a snotty, sobby mess. So it's time to go and probably change him, probably feed him, and maybe we'll read a book. Star Wars ABC is around here someplace.

One step forward, two steps back

Had my doctor's appointment today. My hbA1c was 7.1, which is exactly what it was last time I went and .1 less than it was in November. All my blood work came back good. So that's going for me.

Got another bill from Medtronic, and frankly, I've had it with them. I was told my pump should be covered no problem by the employee who was handling my account, my insurance is not covering all of it, and now I still owe $1600+ dollars for this blasted thing. If I had that kind of money, I'd pay it off just to give myself a five month break from dealing with insurance and medical companies (because God knows when January and "deductible season" rolls around again this starts all over.)

I may have mentioned this before, but I get stressed out pretty easily. I try hard to be positive. I'm a naturally pessimistic person, and I don't want to be that way. I work hard to try and not be negative, to try to not hate on people, to try and just roll with it.

http://flowingdata.com/2011/09/18/yoda-pie-chart/

Fine, Yoda. Fine. Sometimes I succeed and it's great. Sometimes I fail and the whole damn world is going to hell and taking me right along with it. And yes, I know it's not the end of the world because I owe money for medical supplies. My husband has already advised me on how to proceed, and since he has a great deal of medical industry knowledge I'll follow his lead. And I'm sure someone somewhere owes more than I do, or is in a great deal of medical debt, but we all deal with issues our own ways and right now, with what I've got going on in my life, owing $1600 to a company that assured me I wasn't going to owe them anything is kind of my biggest first-world problem.

http://whatwouldjackdo.net/2011/05/its-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-and.html

It's not even the money as much as the principle which irritates me no end. I shouldn't be paying them anything. They should have secured the information about how much I would owe and what my insurance would cover before they sent me the pump and I started using it for a year. I don't know if I've ranted about this before or not, but honestly- who DOES that? You don't get to move into a house before you sign a ream of papers indicating that this is your interest rate, this is your monthly payment, this is who you owe what. You don't get to take a big screen TV home from Best Buy before they swipe your credit card...and afterwards your credit card company doesn't say, "Oh, wait...we don't cover that particular kind of TV. Sorry" so that Best Buy now has to come after you for the money a year later.

Insurance is a weird thing. It's great to have it, don't get me wrong. I'd really be up shit creek without a paddle without it. But dealing with it is a giant pain in the ass, and Obamacare has not fixed any of the problems that we have in our health care system as far as I can tell. In fact, all it has done is fixed things so that now everyone has to pay for something that won't pay for the things they need when they need them. Way to go government. Big win there.

I actually saved this on my computer as "Congress."

 



And now Google Blogger is not letting me change the alignment of the text, which means I'm gonna have to either type all the way to the end of the line or else my words are going to look like I'm some eighth grader trying to make her blog look all cool. And I'm not trying to do that. I'm just trying to make the stupid program work the way it's supposed to!

 



Sorry Yoda.

 

 

I spy with my little eye...

I've been to the eye doctor twice this month, which is saying something because I'd rather have a root canal than go even one time to the eye doctor. I don't do drops in my eyes. I don't do contacts. I don't like anything going near my eye at any time for any reason. It stresses me out. In all honesty, and given my goal to be more positive, saying that I hate going to the eye doctor is a step up from what I would usually say.

Even this is kinder than usual.

The reason for this extra visit is not that I had to go back to pick up new sunglasses (because they haven't called me to let me know they're in yet, which means I'll be back for a third time later this month, damn it.) No, it's because my optometrist referred me to a retina specialist, "just for a baseline." In other words, he saw something and wanted a second opinion on it because I'm diabetic.

I've known for a couple years now that I've got the early stages of diabetic retinopathy, so the fact that my eye doctor wanted me to go see a retina specialist really came as no surprise. He wasn't even that concerned. It's not like the spots I have are (a) that many or (b) in a place in my eye that is going to greatly affect my vision soon. Still. It's freaking diabetic retinopathy. That's bad.

For those of you who've never heard of diabetic retinopathy, here's what it looks like.

Not me, by the way. My eyes are better than this!

I know, it looks like something you'd see on a Science Channel special about aliens, but in layman's terms that's an eye, the big yellow dot is the pupil, and the little yellow dots are parts of it that don't work anymore. (I think....hey, I'm not an optometrist or an ophthalmologist.) At any rate, as the eye gets more dots, you start to lose your sight. And when you get enough of them then you're blind because you couldn't keep your blood sugars under control, which probably had more to do with your lack of self control than fate handing you a bum deal.

That was pretty cynical. But it doesn't make it any less true.

The retina specialist (retinologist?) told me that it takes about three years for bad blood sugars to show up as retinopathy. So I can be having a grand old time eating whatever I want and letting my blood sugars skyrocket and not "see" the effects for three years. This is bad for so many reasons, the most important being by the time you see the signs there's nothing you can do to stop it. I can't say that there isn't fair warning, though. It's not like it's a secret that bad blood sugars lead to nasty complications. And any diabetic will tell you there are at least four or five people in their life always trying to get them to check their blood sugar.

Avoiding the red...I've been in the 7's lately. :)

 

Fortunately, I'm in pretty good control and have been working hard the last few years to remain so. The doctor was impressed with how healthy my eyes looked even before I told him I'd been a Type 1 diabetic for 30+ years. Of course, he also pointed out he wants to see me yearly because things like diabetic retinopathy can escalate quickly. (He also pointed out a cataract that is not yet big enough to consider surgery for, so now I can add "making me feel old" to the list of reasons I do not enjoy going to the eye doctor.)

The fact that I'm not blind now is a blessing, and the fact that I'm now draggin' my butt to the eye doctor at least once (and now probably twice) a year will hopefully keep me from being so for a long, long, epically long time. Also hopefully, I'll be able to head off any other complications now that I am more actively taking care of myself. As a teen I ignored my diabetes as best as I could, making up blood sugar numbers to get my parents off of my back because I wasn't checking (sorry, Mom) and skipping shots to stay thin while I ate whatever I wanted. It was a very bad few years for me, and some of the habits I acquired back then I am still trying to break. I think this is something most diabetics go through, and I'm probably right to think it. I don't think everyone is as lucky as I am when it comes to complications (sorry again.)

I try not to be too preachy to other diabetics- I get the same speeches and nagging that everyone else gets, and it's tiresome. We know, okay? I can rattle off the complications just as well as my doctor. However, speaking as someone who used to ignore and cheat her way through diabetes, I'm fighting to keep myself from getting worse. The retinopathy is there and it isn't going away. If three years from now my doctors look at the back of my eye and say, "You look the same" then I'll be happy.

In the mean time...maybe I should call to see if my sunglasses are ready. They're pretty cool.

No Cure for Spring Fever Yet?

I've got spring fever bad, and I am feeling particularly random today. 

I sit in my office when I'm at work and I look out at the trees in the parking lot and think, I'd like to be outside. And then I remember I live in the arid desert and even though it's nice outside now by Thursday it's going to be 90+ degrees and when summer temperatures hit in early May I'll be more likely to want to stay inside and away from windows.


Update on the diabetes thing: I still have it.

I know, you're totally surprised. I am too. /sarcasm

I've actually been struggling with some high blood sugars of late. Mostly at night. I had bronchitis about two weeks ago and ever since I've been having trouble with those highs, actually. I even had to break out an old friend at one point because I wasn't able to get enough insulin into my body via my pump to combat the raging 400's I had going on.

I don't even remember the last time I used one of these.

The meds that the quick care doctor put me on wreaked havoc on me, actually. The antibiotics were garden variety- I'd been on 'em before and wasn't expecting complications. The steroids I was only on for three days, but my blood sugar didn't really come down until I was done taking them, so no one expect me to get pumped any time soon because if I can avoid those in the future I will. The cough syrup with codeine I knew better than to take and I did anyway- just once, and then I decided to get some diabetic/sugar free Robitussin because of math.

High blood sugar due to illness + sugary cough syrup + codeine = Really high blood sugar

 Why do you do this to yourself, Carla?

At any rate, that wasn't even the worst of it. The inhaler I got literally made me crazy. I used it and noticed that my hands were shaking like I was in the middle of a massive low...and I really wasn't (See math, above.) And then the crying started. Now, maybe I was PMSing as my husband suggested, but I usually don't feel quite that unhinged when I am. I was sitting in my office sobbing for no reason. The whole process of buying New Kids on the Block tickets was making me mental (more than usual.) Just going in to work and sitting in my office made me jumpy and claustrophobic. I felt friendless, hopeless, and completely out of control of my emotions. After two days I stopped using the inhaler, figuring I'd rather take my chances with suffocation than endure this mental debacle any longer. My husband ended up buying me a twelve pack of beer and I had to drink a quarter of it in order to relax even then!

Incidentally, that's the most beer I've ever had at one time, and some of the Sam Addams spring brews are pretty damn good. 

Anyways...I'm working on getting back on the exercise band wagon again (since it's hard to do that sort of thing when you can't breathe at all), and I'm feeling much better, both physically and emotionally. I am still trying to get the overnight highs under control, but I think that'll come with time. And as for that dumb inhaler, I'll be keeping my distance...

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I woke up in a terrific mood yesterday morning.

This was before I got into my car and my phone decided it was going to play two upbeat tracks off of New Kids on the Block's first album followed by two of my favorite Maroon 5 tracks. This was before I cheerfully dropped off some prescriptions and the pharmacy staff smiled at me and said they hadn't seen me in a while. This was before I got dressed and found that I was having a really good hair day. This was before I made myself a cup of joe and sat down to do a little writing before work- and not just the usual editing something I'd written before, but actual, honest to goodness, this-is-all-new- in-my-head-I'd-better-get-it down-before-I-forget writing.

I just woke up happy.

I know what you're all thinking. She's high as a kite right now. She's never happy. But that's the thing- sometimes, I am, and even though I have to work at it, I often accomplish this more than I let on, even if it's just listening to my favorite music on the way home from work or sharing a particularly good vanilla custard milkshake with my husband at lunch. And though I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, I did spend some time trying to figure out why I woke up with a smile on my face yesterday morning. I think I have it figured out.

I slept Tuesday night. I was not tired all day yesterday (at least, not as tired as I usually am.) The hubs and I have been working on changing our diets and getting some exercise every day. We went for a walk Tuesday night, had some healthy snacks, watched The Voice and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and went to bed, and I actually slept. Of course, I certainly didn't sleep because I had worked off nervous energy walking around our neighborhood  or because I had an apple and some peanut butter a couple hours before bed. No, I slept because my CGM sensor ended Tuesday afternoon, and rather than start a new one right before bed I waited until Wednesday morning, thereby assuring that I would not be kept up all night by incessant beeping.

My hubs will not be pleased to hear this (sorry honey) but the nights I don't have my sensor on because I'm changing the setting the next morning are my favorites. I know it is partially my fault that the insulin pump goes off fifty three times a night- I have my high alert set too low and my low alert set too high, and unless my blood sugar stays steadily between 90 and 160 all night it is inevitably going to beep. I could change the high alert to be a little higher and the low alert to be a little lower, but my goal is to keep my blood sugar within that limited range and changing it is only going to make that much harder for me during my waking hours. Also, I don't think that would stop it.

Just like nothing can stop Agent Coulson.

I appreciate that those alerts are there for a reason, but let's be honest. If someone woke you up every half an hour, or even every hour between when your head hit the pillow and your alarm clock went off, you'd want to punch them in the neck with studded gloves. Sure, this might be what it's like to have a baby, only eventually the baby should grow out of it and I'm pretty sure the pump will just keep beeping at me until I acknowledge it. I am, however, able to turn the damn thing off every once in a while, and that is a nice thing because this disease isn't one you can ignore for any length of time, or take a vacation from. What disease is? I can't get a break from the diabetes, but I can at least get a break from the beeping.

And when I do get a break, I get a good night's sleep for the first time in six days, and I can wake up feeling motivated and happy and energized. Lack of sleep is not a good thing, people. It makes your brain slower, your reaction times slower, your attitude cranky and your whole outlook on life a little shadier. A well rested mind and body doesn't get ill as much as a sleep deprived mind and body. Being well rested helps you deal with stress. Sleep is a good thing. I'm a big fan of it.

Though...strangely...I woke up in a good mood this morning, too, and I had my sensor on last night. It only woke me up once, though, so maybe my hypothesis still holds water. I guess we'll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow morning. 

Following in your owner's footsteps is no way to go through life, puppy

So, in my quest to be more positive, the road I've taken had proven to be paved with multiple challenges, one of which is the fact that when using Internet Explorer I am unable to load pictures into my Google blog without resetting everything according to my husband's instructions. This last weekend has proven to be a bigger challenge than even Internet Explorer.

Let's set the stage...

This is Bandit:

Bandit is our half Pug, half Labrador Lug. He's 13 years old, loves people food, and takes full possession of the bed whenever he can, even if we humans are in it. He is one of the sweetest and most adorable dogs I've ever seen. And Friday night he scared the tuna salad out of us.

If you haven't heard of ODV and you are a dog owner, take a moment to acquaint yourself with it now. If you don't want to take the time to read the article, ODV is Old Dog Vestibular disease and it looks like your dog is having a stroke. Stand in one place, spin around until you are so dizzy you almost can't stand, and then try to walk in a straight line and you get an idea of what a dog feels when he suffers through this. There's not much of a treatment for it other than giving them something to quell their upset stomach and then...wait.

Unfortunately, neither my husband nor I had ever heard of this so Friday night I was sure that we were going to have to put my baby down, and I was a hot mess. The emergency vet gave us three possible diagnoses (in worst case scenario to best case scenario order): Brain tumor, encephalitis, ODV. If it wasn't ODV then we were looking at losing him, and I was not ready to hear this.

Very long story short, a bunch of Xrays and blood work and $1000 later we had a rather impressed vet telling us that Bandit was in remarkably good shape, all things considered. His x-rays looked really good, and all of his blood work was in a normal range....except his blood glucose, which was 199, and waaaaaay out of the normal range for a dog.

On one hand, relief that my dog is going to be okay. On the other? Oh shit my poor dog might have diabetes. I can't even get him to take pills without wrapping them in cheese- how the hell am I going to give him shots????

We made an appointment with his regular vet a couple days later and much to my relief his blood sugar was normal, and we chalked the high up to stress from not being able to see straight and throwing up every five minutes. Still, it got me thinking about what would happen if we had kids or one of the dogs did eventually end up a diabetic. Would I be the ideal person to take care of that? I mean, when my mom was handing carb counting and insulin and everything I was in the best shape of my life, and as soon as I took over I was on the fast track to complication town. I'm still trying to break bad habits I acquired in high school. I am doing better with taking care of myself, but add in a little stress and I'm eating donuts for breakfast. And I really don't have the hang of bolusing yet, though, to be fair, I don't think anyone does.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you bolus completely wrong and don't know why

I think I would do well taking care of someone else, though. I understand better than anyone without diabetes would, that's for sure. And I'm pretty up on the tricks you can use to make it look like you're taking care of yourself when you're really not. I can also see that while I cut corners with myself, I wouldn't with my kid, or even my dog. Hell, it might even make me take better care of myself to set a good example. Plus, if I'm going to be carb counting for someone else, I may as well do it for me, too. Right?

On a far more serious note, while I was freaking out over my dog two people I knew through other people ended their lives by choice. I don't know what was going on in their minds, and I don't know what all was going on in their lives, but I do know that suicide doesn't end your pain- it just transfers it to someone else. So if you are depressed, or if you know someone who is, just do a quick Bing or Google or Yahoo search and call for help. Please.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

And....I Forget

I had a great idea for a blog post ten minutes ago in the bedroom...and now it's gone. Oh, well. I'll try a little free-flow writing and see if my brain can end up there again.

I made myself a promise that I would try to be more positive and let go of my hate this year. I would say anger, because that's more what I need to let go of since I don't really hate, but anger can be a good emotion and frankly, mine isn't going anywhere. I'd also say resolution instead of promise, but I stopped making those years ago. Resolutions most people don't keep, and while a lot of them don't keep promises, either, I'm much more likely to keep a promise.

Of course, Google Blogger isn't letting me load pictures and I just cast my laptop aside with an "I hate you," so clearly this is going to be a challenge for me.

Getting back to the topic at hand, I made a promise to be more positive, but you can't just flip a switch and go from being the person who professed extreme dislike for Barbara Streisand because of so many legitimate reasons to being a person who can sit and listen to her music...especially when the reasons to dislike still seem so legit. But honestly, is Babs feeling the sting of my ire? Hell no. The woman doesn't even know I exist and she wouldn't give a tuppence if she did. The only person I'm hurting is myself carrying around all that negativity. So I need to stop that.

I need to laugh more. I need to listen to happier music. I need to rant less and let go of my negativity because I'm too stressed.

 

Well, that's happy music and makes me laugh. Check and Check!

                         
I know I've touched on this before, but I'm a bit of a negative person. I see the best in people, usually, until I get to know them and they start to annoy me (lol), but I almost always see the worst in situations. I immediately think, "This can't be done because of X,Y, and Z" instead of  thinking, "This could totally be possible if A, B and C!" I try to think the latter, and if I'm consciously thinking about it I do, but...Geez is this hard. Changing the way you think isn't easy. The fact that I am actively trying to change should say a lot about me, at least. I see something about myself I don't like, and I am trying to improve myself.

Which miraculously made my brain remember what I was going to write about in the first place. Woohoo!

My diabetes (no, I didn't forget that this is a blog about living with diabetes. I'm not that old!) has of late been kind of borderline. I'm not doing bad, but I'm not doing good. What is that? Fair? I'm doing fair with it. And fair is frankly not good enough for me. I'm also over weight and I need to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds before I won't actively fantasize about destroying my bathroom scale with a baseball bat a la Office Space.

A great way to get rid of stress!

Now before you all jump into the comments and tell me I look fine or great or I'm beautiful and shouldn't buy into skinny jeans, do me a favor and shut up. I appreciate that I probably don't look as bad as I think I do, but telling me so is doing a whole lot of nothing for me. I need to lose weight. I need to be in better shape. My health is affected by the extra weight I carry around. So telling me I'm not fat isn't helping me because frankly if I start to believe it I won't do anything about the weight I have gained.  Eating less, eating right and exercising 3-5 times a week- these are my goals, and I am not doing it because I want to fit into smaller jeans (that's a lie), I'm doing it because I want to be healthy (which is true). So, strangely, in this case, I think being negative is going to produce a positive.

And now we've come full circle, and I seriously didn't even plan that. Bam!

On the Road Again...

Star Wars; The Old Republic is slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwlllllllllyyyyyyy updating again, so if it's not using up every inch of bandwidth my computer has access to I may be able to get a blog in here...

Happy 2014 everyone. I hope it turns out to be a good year for you in most respects. I know it won't be perfect, but hopefully the good will far outweigh the bad.

I've got fewer travels lined up so far this year than I did last year. I'll be heading to Philadelphia here in a couple days for a conference. I've never been, and I expect it will be cold. If I can survive Boston in January I should be able to survive Philly. Chowdah versus Cheesesteak, fight!

Union Oyster House. Chowdah has the advantage right now.

Our annual conference this year, which is always in June, will actually be here at home, so that's one less plane (or two, actually, since I'd need to be on one there and one back) I'll have to get on. My husband's little brother will be graduating from high school in June, though, so I'm not totally off the hook for travel. We're thinking of driving and making it a little mini vacay-  very mini vacay since they are a two day drive away....which is also about the amount of time this stinking game update is taking.

Anyway, I am rambling about this because for work right now we are in the early process of planning our summer programming. Summer. It's due to our marketing department at the beginning of March. We literally just approved the Spring calendar, which covers March, April and May, last week! I know the reasons behind this shortened time line and I am not really complaining...well I am, but not as much as I would if I didn't know the legitimate reasons behind why I'm now having to plan things out six months from now in my personal life so I can plan my work life around that.

My problem with this is that I hate planning that far into the future. Nothing ever goes right- or at least nothing goes the way you want it to. This staff person resigns, this program gets cancelled, this relative gets sick and you have to fly to Abu Dhabi to make sure they are okay- shit happens, as the saying goes. And when I plan things I freak when they don't go as planned. Every little thing either needs to go exactly as planned or I've got to go into it flying by the seat of my pants with nothing to guide me. I've got issues.

 

For instance, I find this hilarious....

And take my plans for Philadelphia. I was a smarty pants and booked my hotel and air fare back in October. I was all set...and then about two weeks ago I realized that a meeting I thought I didn't have to attend I actually have to attend, and it was ending at the same time that I was arriving. I went back to the website I used to book the flights, realized it would cost me more to change or cancel that flight than it would to just book a one-way the day before, and am now filled with concern that I may have inadvertently screwed up my return trip because I won't be flying out on the flight that I don't want to spend the money to cancel.

And now you see how my mind works. Kind of like a Rube Goldberg device.

Or a more like a Wakko Warner Gizmo.

 



I'll try calling the airlines tomorrow to confirm the flights that I want for sure and cross my fingers that the weather doesn't screw everything up anyway. At least I have two days off after the conference is over in case I can't make it back in time, which is something I am trying not to think about. It's bad enough I have airport security to look forward to with all my pump and sensor supplies to tote around on the plane without adding that in to the mix. I've got enough to worry about!

And here's a final thought of wisdom for you: a watched game update never, ever finishes downloading. Ever.

Musings

I'm waiting for Star Wars: The Old Republic to finish updating...considering how long it seems to be taking, and the fact that Pinterest doesn't want to work for me, I thought I'd blog. Of course, Google is being a pain in the butt and the Blogger site isn't working as it should, either, so maybe this will be a loss too.

Sorry if I'm a little downer today, but I'm still reeling from Paul Walker's death, which undoubtedly you've heard about even if you're not a fan because it's pretty much a given that if a guy who was in the "Fast and Furious" franchise dies in a car accident, the news media is going to have a field day writing about it. Frankly, this is only adding to and not the lone source of my melancholy, but it's one of those things that just reminds you life is short and those you love may not be here tomorrow, or even later tonight, and it's making me upset because it is one more thing I have absolutely zero control over. I'm not as upset about Paul Walker as I am from thinking that it could be my husband wrapped around a tree someday, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop that from happening... I hate when I get the mean reds like this. Holly Golightly could swing by Tiffany's, but my go-to happy place isn't somewhere you can just visit for free.

Though it is really pretty at Christmastime...

I know I've been dealing with depression stuff, and I don't always put in here what's making me depressed (because some things aren't relevant or I just don't want to share), but something about this last few months has been gettin' me down. It's kind of funny, actually, because my husband told me today one of our co-workers has a handout from a "motivational" presentation I did a couple months ago hanging at her desk, and she thinks it's awesome and she looks at it everyday for inspiration. I'm way flattered, and glad to know that "do as I say don't do as I do" still works, because lately I'll just start to cry at the drop of a hat.

I feel a little overwhelmed is all. We'll get through it.

On another note, and totally switching gears, I realized the other day just how much waste I produce. Not that we don't recycle (we do), and not that I don't try to reuse things (I do), but diabetes wise...there's a lot. I mean, I knew the blood testing strips and things added up, but then I changed my pump setting at the same time that I changed my CGM sensor setting...and just wow.

I didn't think to take a picture until after I'd thrown a bunch away, too.

That's a wet erase marker in the upper left hand corner. Typical pen size, about five inches long. All of that is medical garbage. Plastic pouches, needles, alcohol wipes, old settings...every six days I toss out that much trash. Every three days it's half of that. And this doesn't include the test strips for every blood test I do (2-3 a day), the tissues I throw out that I use to stop my poor stabbed fingers from bleeding, or the empty test strip bottles, the boxes that the pump and CGM supplies come in, or the boxes that those boxes come in. It's a massive amount of non-reusable garbage that I throw away every single day.

It just kind of blew my mind. I mean, multiply this out by the number of years I've been using the pump (pushing ten) and the number of years I've been using CGM therapy (I think two? Not sure anymore), and then add in all the years yet to come...holy crap! And the thousands and thousands of needles I used before this? And the thousands and thousands of test strips and alcohol wipes I've gone through?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and he wasn't too broken up over my HbA1c...it was a 7.2, which I know is relatively good but for me feels like utter failure. That is definitely adding to my melancholy. I know I can do better. The rest of my blood work was good, too. Cholesterol is down, blood pressure okay...Even when I skip out on exercise, eating right, and using the CGM I end up doing all right. Which only goes to prove I can do better if I actually try. And of course I want to try right in the middle of Christmas. (It's like I'm setting myself up for failure. Eesh.)

Anyway, that's my musings for you. I start off thinking one thing and then the mind wanders someplace else entirely. Star Wars finally finished updating and it only took an hour. Now I don't even feel like playing, but if I don't then it will be a little like I wasted an hour...of course I won't have to update the next time I play, so there's that. And I did get a blog written, even though Google was trying to thwart me at every turn. Which means, in spite of my negativity this evening...

Carla wins.

Diabetes Girl and the NaNoWriMo

It's National Novel Writing Month, and I've been working on my diabetes novel. I wish I could say it's going well, but it's going slow, and that's not really the same thing. Having my lap top crap out on me didn't help...and neither did the fact that I logged into Star Wars: The Old Republic today and started to play that again. And "Thor 2" came out, so we'll likely go see that tomorrow...

I may never get this novel done.

It's not that I don't want to get this written. I do. It's just I know that once it's written no one's gonna read it. The idea for it started last year when I did a blog for the YALSA Hub and the idea has been germinating in the back of my head. I figured it would be a good thing to write a book for teens with a diabetic main character...one that wasn't too preachy, or had the sole focus of the book be diabetes. Should be easy-peasy for me...right?

Didn't happen last year.

Is coming along a little slower than I'd like this year.

My method of writing isn't the NaNoWriMo method. 50K words in a month? No time for editing, no time for finesse...just push out the words and let them fall where they may. Oh my lord it's the scariest thing ever. I'm totally stressin'.

So, here's a video of Tom Hiddleston showing why Loki is better than Thor. I need to get back to writing.