Changes

I majored in English in college. Go ahead and make the joke...I'll wait.

 

 

Oh, you have another?

 

 

 

Have you gotten that out of your system? Good.



 

One of the many useless things I learned while working on my degree is that languages are living things. Languages that do not change die. English is a great example of a language that is changing. Words are added, lose favor, even change meaning...the English language is a living thing that changes all the time. Latin is a language that is, for all intents and purposes, dead. Other than using it to classify animals and diseases, no one really uses it anymore. It's not spoken by the average person. You see it on money, and in old books, and on tapestries, but not in everyday communication.

I vaguely remember this from my Old English class...

http://orbiscatholicussecundus.blogspot.com/2013/04/star-wars-in-latin.html

So, like all living things, languages change, which means living things change. People change. And I am considering doing something, making a change, that goes against my very genetic makeup. I have thought long and hard about this, and to be honest I'm not sure I can do it. This is going to be hard, maybe one of the hardest things I have ever attempted. Change isn't always easy after all. It's usually difficult, and this is going to be difficult. I am gong to change my diet, and I am going to...going to...I am going to cut down on my carbs.

Keeping a theme going is something else I learned in college.

I am not doing this (only) because I want to be skinny, but because I am really having trouble with the diabetes thing. I don't know if it's that I'm suddenly insulin resistant, or if I have a minor bug that's barely noticeable and being fought off, or if the midichlorians are in a tizzy over that antibiotic I was taking a couple weeks ago, but whatever it is my blood sugars have been mostly high for the last two weeks and damned if I'm not ready for it to stop. Carbs can cause havoc with my blood sugars, and while I don't plan to get rid of them entirely, I think if I scale back the amount of them I eat then I won't have to give as much insulin as I have been, and that's a good thing.

I know diet isn't the only thing that needs to change. I need to be more active. But that I think I can do if I get myself in the habit of doing it. I spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike this morning before breakfast while watching Mysteries at the Museum on the Travel Channel, and it wasn't too bad. (It wasn't running the Boston Marathon, but since I'm still not supposed to walk for exercise because of my blasted foot I'm not holding my breath for that in the near future.) Being more active is a change I'm not worried about.

Cutting back on carbs, though? It's MADNESS! Have you any idea how hard it is to find low calorie, easy, non-perishable and non-messy on the go snacks that aren't in some way full of carbs? How many carrot sticks must you eat before you start to turn orange? If it's got lots of carbs but they are mostly fiber, does that make it okay? Am I going to have to trade out carbs for fats I don't want? Why do sandwich wraps usually taste like crap, but the same ingredients on bread taste awesome?

So I guess the answer to that question above is no, I do not want fries with that...anymore.

Sorry, Frye.



No Cure for Spring Fever Yet?

I've got spring fever bad, and I am feeling particularly random today. 

I sit in my office when I'm at work and I look out at the trees in the parking lot and think, I'd like to be outside. And then I remember I live in the arid desert and even though it's nice outside now by Thursday it's going to be 90+ degrees and when summer temperatures hit in early May I'll be more likely to want to stay inside and away from windows.


Update on the diabetes thing: I still have it.

I know, you're totally surprised. I am too. /sarcasm

I've actually been struggling with some high blood sugars of late. Mostly at night. I had bronchitis about two weeks ago and ever since I've been having trouble with those highs, actually. I even had to break out an old friend at one point because I wasn't able to get enough insulin into my body via my pump to combat the raging 400's I had going on.

I don't even remember the last time I used one of these.

The meds that the quick care doctor put me on wreaked havoc on me, actually. The antibiotics were garden variety- I'd been on 'em before and wasn't expecting complications. The steroids I was only on for three days, but my blood sugar didn't really come down until I was done taking them, so no one expect me to get pumped any time soon because if I can avoid those in the future I will. The cough syrup with codeine I knew better than to take and I did anyway- just once, and then I decided to get some diabetic/sugar free Robitussin because of math.

High blood sugar due to illness + sugary cough syrup + codeine = Really high blood sugar

 Why do you do this to yourself, Carla?

At any rate, that wasn't even the worst of it. The inhaler I got literally made me crazy. I used it and noticed that my hands were shaking like I was in the middle of a massive low...and I really wasn't (See math, above.) And then the crying started. Now, maybe I was PMSing as my husband suggested, but I usually don't feel quite that unhinged when I am. I was sitting in my office sobbing for no reason. The whole process of buying New Kids on the Block tickets was making me mental (more than usual.) Just going in to work and sitting in my office made me jumpy and claustrophobic. I felt friendless, hopeless, and completely out of control of my emotions. After two days I stopped using the inhaler, figuring I'd rather take my chances with suffocation than endure this mental debacle any longer. My husband ended up buying me a twelve pack of beer and I had to drink a quarter of it in order to relax even then!

Incidentally, that's the most beer I've ever had at one time, and some of the Sam Addams spring brews are pretty damn good. 

Anyways...I'm working on getting back on the exercise band wagon again (since it's hard to do that sort of thing when you can't breathe at all), and I'm feeling much better, both physically and emotionally. I am still trying to get the overnight highs under control, but I think that'll come with time. And as for that dumb inhaler, I'll be keeping my distance...

The Science Project

Had a doctor's appointment this week. My HbA1c was 7.1, which was good, but not good enough. I mean, Tom (the nurse practitioner I work with) was thrilled...but I can do better. I don't think a 7 is gold star work.

Just a reminder on what the heck I'm talkin' about.

 

I did mention the hubs and I just started to diet and exercise, right? Hopefully by my next appointment (three months) it will be down in the 6's. 6 is actually my favorite number, so anything in the 6 range will be fine. We're shootin' for a 6.3. It won't be easy, because there are some non-diabetics out there who can't even get that score, but I've done it before and dagnab it, I'm going to do it again.

 

Also in the course of discussion, which my husband was in on because he came with me this time, were all the "future" things coming for diabetics. Like insulin pumps/ CGM that talk to your Android phone and work on their own to correct highs and lows and account for food and what not. Otherwise known as a pancreas, or, in some circles, a unicorn. Husband and Tom were both really excited...me, not so much.

 

Woo. Really, I mean it.

 

 

Don't get me wrong- that would be all good once they have it all figured out. Right now you have to wear two sensors, and use three devices I don't have (different pump, different CGM, and an Android phone, which we all know no insurance is going to cover). I know they are in the very beginning test stages and we're talking years before this is even available to people like me, but that all sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Now, my husband is a gadget guy and he may also be Batman (I've never seen them together, so it's possible.) He is also more concerned with me being healthy than anyone else on the planet that I am not blood related to. For him this all sounds great, hassles aside. For me?

 

It makes me feel like a freaking science project. And I remember not liking those much.

 

Vector-clip-art

 

It's also really hard to get excited for "what's down the pipeline" when my insurance company has been less than cooperative with getting me on CGM in the first place and the companies I've worked with have been less than stellar at making the whole "out of network" thing feasible (like, here). I mean, hello? It's pretty damn obvious that CGM and the pump alone are keeping me from ending up in the HbA1c red zone up there, because donuts and Christmas cookies and Red Vines don't just eat themselves. I'm just not looking forward to the battle ahead though it would be really nice to have a working pancreas again, even if I do have to wear it in my pocket.

 

Arthur Ashe is quoted as saying, "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." I find these words pretty inspiring, because a lot of what I have to do with diabetes is pretty much that. And Walt Disney is famous for saying, "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."  I feel like I'm always trying to do that, too. I don't have much of a choice though, do I?

 

Again, Phil and Lem put it succinctly. 

 

So I will keep starting where I am, using what I have and doing what I can until some company manages to do the impossible and I get my electronic pancreas, and if I have to deal with insurance companies being a pain in the arse and having to look like Batman with devices all up in my pockets and on my belt I'll do that, too.

 

Because I have to.

 



Happy Happy Joy Joy

I woke up in a terrific mood yesterday morning.

This was before I got into my car and my phone decided it was going to play two upbeat tracks off of New Kids on the Block's first album followed by two of my favorite Maroon 5 tracks. This was before I cheerfully dropped off some prescriptions and the pharmacy staff smiled at me and said they hadn't seen me in a while. This was before I got dressed and found that I was having a really good hair day. This was before I made myself a cup of joe and sat down to do a little writing before work- and not just the usual editing something I'd written before, but actual, honest to goodness, this-is-all-new- in-my-head-I'd-better-get-it down-before-I-forget writing.

I just woke up happy.

I know what you're all thinking. She's high as a kite right now. She's never happy. But that's the thing- sometimes, I am, and even though I have to work at it, I often accomplish this more than I let on, even if it's just listening to my favorite music on the way home from work or sharing a particularly good vanilla custard milkshake with my husband at lunch. And though I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, I did spend some time trying to figure out why I woke up with a smile on my face yesterday morning. I think I have it figured out.

I slept Tuesday night. I was not tired all day yesterday (at least, not as tired as I usually am.) The hubs and I have been working on changing our diets and getting some exercise every day. We went for a walk Tuesday night, had some healthy snacks, watched The Voice and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and went to bed, and I actually slept. Of course, I certainly didn't sleep because I had worked off nervous energy walking around our neighborhood  or because I had an apple and some peanut butter a couple hours before bed. No, I slept because my CGM sensor ended Tuesday afternoon, and rather than start a new one right before bed I waited until Wednesday morning, thereby assuring that I would not be kept up all night by incessant beeping.

My hubs will not be pleased to hear this (sorry honey) but the nights I don't have my sensor on because I'm changing the setting the next morning are my favorites. I know it is partially my fault that the insulin pump goes off fifty three times a night- I have my high alert set too low and my low alert set too high, and unless my blood sugar stays steadily between 90 and 160 all night it is inevitably going to beep. I could change the high alert to be a little higher and the low alert to be a little lower, but my goal is to keep my blood sugar within that limited range and changing it is only going to make that much harder for me during my waking hours. Also, I don't think that would stop it.

Just like nothing can stop Agent Coulson.

I appreciate that those alerts are there for a reason, but let's be honest. If someone woke you up every half an hour, or even every hour between when your head hit the pillow and your alarm clock went off, you'd want to punch them in the neck with studded gloves. Sure, this might be what it's like to have a baby, only eventually the baby should grow out of it and I'm pretty sure the pump will just keep beeping at me until I acknowledge it. I am, however, able to turn the damn thing off every once in a while, and that is a nice thing because this disease isn't one you can ignore for any length of time, or take a vacation from. What disease is? I can't get a break from the diabetes, but I can at least get a break from the beeping.

And when I do get a break, I get a good night's sleep for the first time in six days, and I can wake up feeling motivated and happy and energized. Lack of sleep is not a good thing, people. It makes your brain slower, your reaction times slower, your attitude cranky and your whole outlook on life a little shadier. A well rested mind and body doesn't get ill as much as a sleep deprived mind and body. Being well rested helps you deal with stress. Sleep is a good thing. I'm a big fan of it.

Though...strangely...I woke up in a good mood this morning, too, and I had my sensor on last night. It only woke me up once, though, so maybe my hypothesis still holds water. I guess we'll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow morning. 

Following in your owner's footsteps is no way to go through life, puppy

So, in my quest to be more positive, the road I've taken had proven to be paved with multiple challenges, one of which is the fact that when using Internet Explorer I am unable to load pictures into my Google blog without resetting everything according to my husband's instructions. This last weekend has proven to be a bigger challenge than even Internet Explorer.

Let's set the stage...

This is Bandit:

Bandit is our half Pug, half Labrador Lug. He's 13 years old, loves people food, and takes full possession of the bed whenever he can, even if we humans are in it. He is one of the sweetest and most adorable dogs I've ever seen. And Friday night he scared the tuna salad out of us.

If you haven't heard of ODV and you are a dog owner, take a moment to acquaint yourself with it now. If you don't want to take the time to read the article, ODV is Old Dog Vestibular disease and it looks like your dog is having a stroke. Stand in one place, spin around until you are so dizzy you almost can't stand, and then try to walk in a straight line and you get an idea of what a dog feels when he suffers through this. There's not much of a treatment for it other than giving them something to quell their upset stomach and then...wait.

Unfortunately, neither my husband nor I had ever heard of this so Friday night I was sure that we were going to have to put my baby down, and I was a hot mess. The emergency vet gave us three possible diagnoses (in worst case scenario to best case scenario order): Brain tumor, encephalitis, ODV. If it wasn't ODV then we were looking at losing him, and I was not ready to hear this.

Very long story short, a bunch of Xrays and blood work and $1000 later we had a rather impressed vet telling us that Bandit was in remarkably good shape, all things considered. His x-rays looked really good, and all of his blood work was in a normal range....except his blood glucose, which was 199, and waaaaaay out of the normal range for a dog.

On one hand, relief that my dog is going to be okay. On the other? Oh shit my poor dog might have diabetes. I can't even get him to take pills without wrapping them in cheese- how the hell am I going to give him shots????

We made an appointment with his regular vet a couple days later and much to my relief his blood sugar was normal, and we chalked the high up to stress from not being able to see straight and throwing up every five minutes. Still, it got me thinking about what would happen if we had kids or one of the dogs did eventually end up a diabetic. Would I be the ideal person to take care of that? I mean, when my mom was handing carb counting and insulin and everything I was in the best shape of my life, and as soon as I took over I was on the fast track to complication town. I'm still trying to break bad habits I acquired in high school. I am doing better with taking care of myself, but add in a little stress and I'm eating donuts for breakfast. And I really don't have the hang of bolusing yet, though, to be fair, I don't think anyone does.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you bolus completely wrong and don't know why

I think I would do well taking care of someone else, though. I understand better than anyone without diabetes would, that's for sure. And I'm pretty up on the tricks you can use to make it look like you're taking care of yourself when you're really not. I can also see that while I cut corners with myself, I wouldn't with my kid, or even my dog. Hell, it might even make me take better care of myself to set a good example. Plus, if I'm going to be carb counting for someone else, I may as well do it for me, too. Right?

On a far more serious note, while I was freaking out over my dog two people I knew through other people ended their lives by choice. I don't know what was going on in their minds, and I don't know what all was going on in their lives, but I do know that suicide doesn't end your pain- it just transfers it to someone else. So if you are depressed, or if you know someone who is, just do a quick Bing or Google or Yahoo search and call for help. Please.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

And....I Forget

I had a great idea for a blog post ten minutes ago in the bedroom...and now it's gone. Oh, well. I'll try a little free-flow writing and see if my brain can end up there again.

I made myself a promise that I would try to be more positive and let go of my hate this year. I would say anger, because that's more what I need to let go of since I don't really hate, but anger can be a good emotion and frankly, mine isn't going anywhere. I'd also say resolution instead of promise, but I stopped making those years ago. Resolutions most people don't keep, and while a lot of them don't keep promises, either, I'm much more likely to keep a promise.

Of course, Google Blogger isn't letting me load pictures and I just cast my laptop aside with an "I hate you," so clearly this is going to be a challenge for me.

Getting back to the topic at hand, I made a promise to be more positive, but you can't just flip a switch and go from being the person who professed extreme dislike for Barbara Streisand because of so many legitimate reasons to being a person who can sit and listen to her music...especially when the reasons to dislike still seem so legit. But honestly, is Babs feeling the sting of my ire? Hell no. The woman doesn't even know I exist and she wouldn't give a tuppence if she did. The only person I'm hurting is myself carrying around all that negativity. So I need to stop that.

I need to laugh more. I need to listen to happier music. I need to rant less and let go of my negativity because I'm too stressed.

 

Well, that's happy music and makes me laugh. Check and Check!

                         
I know I've touched on this before, but I'm a bit of a negative person. I see the best in people, usually, until I get to know them and they start to annoy me (lol), but I almost always see the worst in situations. I immediately think, "This can't be done because of X,Y, and Z" instead of  thinking, "This could totally be possible if A, B and C!" I try to think the latter, and if I'm consciously thinking about it I do, but...Geez is this hard. Changing the way you think isn't easy. The fact that I am actively trying to change should say a lot about me, at least. I see something about myself I don't like, and I am trying to improve myself.

Which miraculously made my brain remember what I was going to write about in the first place. Woohoo!

My diabetes (no, I didn't forget that this is a blog about living with diabetes. I'm not that old!) has of late been kind of borderline. I'm not doing bad, but I'm not doing good. What is that? Fair? I'm doing fair with it. And fair is frankly not good enough for me. I'm also over weight and I need to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds before I won't actively fantasize about destroying my bathroom scale with a baseball bat a la Office Space.

A great way to get rid of stress!

Now before you all jump into the comments and tell me I look fine or great or I'm beautiful and shouldn't buy into skinny jeans, do me a favor and shut up. I appreciate that I probably don't look as bad as I think I do, but telling me so is doing a whole lot of nothing for me. I need to lose weight. I need to be in better shape. My health is affected by the extra weight I carry around. So telling me I'm not fat isn't helping me because frankly if I start to believe it I won't do anything about the weight I have gained.  Eating less, eating right and exercising 3-5 times a week- these are my goals, and I am not doing it because I want to fit into smaller jeans (that's a lie), I'm doing it because I want to be healthy (which is true). So, strangely, in this case, I think being negative is going to produce a positive.

And now we've come full circle, and I seriously didn't even plan that. Bam!

On the Road Again...

Star Wars; The Old Republic is slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwlllllllllyyyyyyy updating again, so if it's not using up every inch of bandwidth my computer has access to I may be able to get a blog in here...

Happy 2014 everyone. I hope it turns out to be a good year for you in most respects. I know it won't be perfect, but hopefully the good will far outweigh the bad.

I've got fewer travels lined up so far this year than I did last year. I'll be heading to Philadelphia here in a couple days for a conference. I've never been, and I expect it will be cold. If I can survive Boston in January I should be able to survive Philly. Chowdah versus Cheesesteak, fight!

Union Oyster House. Chowdah has the advantage right now.

Our annual conference this year, which is always in June, will actually be here at home, so that's one less plane (or two, actually, since I'd need to be on one there and one back) I'll have to get on. My husband's little brother will be graduating from high school in June, though, so I'm not totally off the hook for travel. We're thinking of driving and making it a little mini vacay-  very mini vacay since they are a two day drive away....which is also about the amount of time this stinking game update is taking.

Anyway, I am rambling about this because for work right now we are in the early process of planning our summer programming. Summer. It's due to our marketing department at the beginning of March. We literally just approved the Spring calendar, which covers March, April and May, last week! I know the reasons behind this shortened time line and I am not really complaining...well I am, but not as much as I would if I didn't know the legitimate reasons behind why I'm now having to plan things out six months from now in my personal life so I can plan my work life around that.

My problem with this is that I hate planning that far into the future. Nothing ever goes right- or at least nothing goes the way you want it to. This staff person resigns, this program gets cancelled, this relative gets sick and you have to fly to Abu Dhabi to make sure they are okay- shit happens, as the saying goes. And when I plan things I freak when they don't go as planned. Every little thing either needs to go exactly as planned or I've got to go into it flying by the seat of my pants with nothing to guide me. I've got issues.

 

For instance, I find this hilarious....

And take my plans for Philadelphia. I was a smarty pants and booked my hotel and air fare back in October. I was all set...and then about two weeks ago I realized that a meeting I thought I didn't have to attend I actually have to attend, and it was ending at the same time that I was arriving. I went back to the website I used to book the flights, realized it would cost me more to change or cancel that flight than it would to just book a one-way the day before, and am now filled with concern that I may have inadvertently screwed up my return trip because I won't be flying out on the flight that I don't want to spend the money to cancel.

And now you see how my mind works. Kind of like a Rube Goldberg device.

Or a more like a Wakko Warner Gizmo.

 



I'll try calling the airlines tomorrow to confirm the flights that I want for sure and cross my fingers that the weather doesn't screw everything up anyway. At least I have two days off after the conference is over in case I can't make it back in time, which is something I am trying not to think about. It's bad enough I have airport security to look forward to with all my pump and sensor supplies to tote around on the plane without adding that in to the mix. I've got enough to worry about!

And here's a final thought of wisdom for you: a watched game update never, ever finishes downloading. Ever.