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I started this blog days ago, and it was completely different. When I started it I was still working, though things were slow. My son was still in school. The world was scary but COVID-19 was half a world away. My biggest complaint was getting NO DELIVERY alerts on my pump.

Now I am at home with a very rambunctious 6 year old and a 13 week old puppy, worried about my Mom, my husband, my sister who works admin in a hospital, my sister in law who is a nurse, the aforementioned 6 year old, and, oh yeah...me.

My doctor appointments are being done via video chat. So are my son's classes. Work has almost completely shut down, though we still have a few people out of hundreds going in to make sure our online services are still working. I'm keeping in touch with staff via Facebook and text and, on occasion, getting out of the house to go to the grocery store.

Mostly we've been at home. And unlike many people I am totally okay with this. Yes, my son is driving me crazy. Yes, I miss talking to more people than just my immediate family. However, we are lucky. We are lucky to be getting paid during this shutdown. We are lucky that even if we weren't getting paid we have some savings (I've read that only about 30-40% of Americans have enough savings to cover a $1000 surprise expense, let alone not getting paid for weeks). We have a governor that was willing to take a massive economic hit to the entire state by shutting down casinos, shows, school districts, and anything else that can be considered non-essential.

Yeah, it sucks. It's frustrating sitting at home, playing video games and reading books and watching TV and playing with my kid and my dogs and no it isn't. It isn't frustrating at all. It feels like a vacation, with the exception of the fact that I am terrified every cough and sniffle means I may have inadvertently put the people I love in jeopardy.

My point is, I don't think I'd survive COVID-19. I am not healthy enough to survive it. I have an autoimmune disease. My mom is over 60. I have relatives that work in hospitals. The level of concern I live with is part of the reason that at my last therapy appointment we doubled my antidepressant dosage. I had to go to the store today- I got winded because I raced around quickly, trying to avoid everyone in the narrow aisles, trying to get the car loaded and unloaded quickly so I could return to the safety of my house. And then I read a bunch of college students went spring breaking because they were young and didn't care if they got it. Guess what?

They got it.

Let's be real. Most of the people I know understand that they aren't staying home for themselves, or just themselves. They are staying at home for the hundreds of people that could end up infected by them if they picked up coronavirus and passed it around for a week before they even felt the slightest bit sick. If you are not one of these people then you need to be. You may only get a little sick, or you may spend a couple of days in the hospital. You have no idea how many of the lives yours intersects with won't be that lucky. I know I am more fortunate than most because I'm financially able to stay home. I don't have to go to work. But if I did, I know I would appreciate it if everyone who could would stay home.  Please.

Be informed. Be safe. Be at home.

Resources to trust: 

World Health Organization (WHO) https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/index.html


List of State Health Departments   https://www.cdc.gov/publichealthgateway/healthdirectories/healthdepartments.html

Who's Tired?

I know I am.

And I don't mean I'm tired as in I didn't get enough sleep last night (though I probably didn't.) I mean I'm tired. I'm running on fumes. I'm empty. No get up and go. I can barely keep my head on. Bone tired. Exhausted. On my third cuppa Joe today and still not entirely sure I am adequately awake enough to adult my way through the day.

I'm kinda used to it, though. I mean, I have a lot on my agenda these days. Work, caring for family, we just bought a new puppy two days ago, that whole "diabetes" thing...

If I'm really honest, that's what I am most tired of these days. I made an unpleasant discovery, confirmed with actual scientific testing if you can call me actually paying attention and making mental notes to confirm my suspicions scientific testing. After fifteen plus years of pump use, my right side is defunct. There is so much scar tissue built up that if I have my insulin pump setting inserted there I end up with NO DELIVERY alerts after a day or two. This poses some issues, the most obvious being I'm not getting any insulin.

Just in case that wasn't clear.

But I'm also not able to stay in Auto Mode if this happens, which is the whole point of this pump I'm using. So that's a big frustration, but no biggie, right? I just switch sides. Only that means my sensor is now on my right side, and while it usually lasts six days on the left, on the right we're having failures. Maybe it will last three days, maybe it will die the day I put it on. Who knows? All I can say for certain is on my right side I can't get it to last much longer than that.

To say I am annoyed with this would not be accurate. I'm not annoyed. I'm angry. I'm tired of my body betraying me left and right (mostly right). First my immune system kills off my Islets of Langerhans, now my body is making it more and more challenging to get the insulin I need to inject because it can't make it on its own. What's next?

https://giphy.com/gifs/ENhDYXpWRr8kg

It isn't as if I haven't tried to keep this at bay, either. I've been a diabetic a long, looong time. There is scar tissue built up in my thighs and arms from countless insulin injections over the years. It's not like it was a surprise that this could happen. And unlike muscle or, to some extent, fat, there's no way to get rid of scar tissue that I am aware of, though I think that as time has passed the "visualness" of it has lessened now that I'm attacking using my stomach instead of them. It's still there, though, under the surface.

There are techniques and tips for avoiding this seemingly inevitable turn of events. Move the injection sites around so the same place isn't getting poked over and over and over for one thing. (I have been doing this.) There are lists upon lists of suggestions online. 3.3 million+ hits for "insulin pump tips and tricks" should garner some useful knowledge, you know, once you get past all of the Google Ads and site not founds and blog posts by random diabetics you don't know and probably shouldn't take health advice from (a-HEM).

https://giphy.com/gifs/7FBS1So9ri8og

As in all things, though, what works for one diabetic may not work for another. I have yet to meet anyone else with diabetes who has an adverse reaction to fish like I do (Whenever I eat fish my blood sugar tanks if I am not careful. Seriously.) So when I see suggestions like, "Take an insulin pump break and give your infusion sites a rest" I am wondering a few things. Like how the hell these people manage to get their insurance to pay for more than one way of treating diabetes, because there's no way my insurance company is going to pay for expensive as hell pump supplies if I'm able to take a cheapy "just use syringes for a couple of weeks like I did when I was ten" vacation from it. I can barely get them to pay for 100 blood glucose test strips a month, and, in fact, I cannot do that because they will only let Medtronic send me 50 a month. 

If you're counting, that comes out to less than two finger pricks a day. 

Bottom line here? I'm tired of diabetes. I'm tired of living it. I'm tired of hearing other people make suggestions about how to treat it. I'm tired of feeling like crap and being tired because of it. But I'm also tired of it being the last thing I think about and pay attention to, because I'm sure that my burnout contributes to the not feeling well. So in spite of the fact that I don't want to be taking care of this stupid thing I think it's time for me to climb back on the wagon and see if I can get this train back on the tracks*. Maybe blogging about it will make me accountable.

*It's also time I stop mixing my metaphors.

No Excuse...

https://gph.is/XJD5Kg 

It's been over a year since I've blogged, and really, I have no excuse for this...I have several excuses.

I'm tired.

I feel completely drained.

I have a LOT going on in my life on both a personal and professional front.

I haven't felt like writing.

https://gph.is/XL8SdT

I know, it's not like it takes much to write a blog, and I could have carved out a few minutes here and there at several points during the last year, but sometimes a person needs a break to deal with things.

So, in the interest of moving forward without confusion, here's what's been going on in my life that is really relevant to this blog:

I still have diabetes.

Shocker, right? But this is a blog about living with diabetes, and I'm not about to sum up an entire year when the basic fact is I've still got it. I've also got depression, stress, worry, anxiety, bitterness, hopefulness, love, inspiration, regret, and a myriad of other things going on, which is why I've been in therapy every other week for the last year, too. 

And, big confession, I'm not taking care of myself as well as I should be.

https://gph.is/15Id1AE

I know, your mind is blown.

And I have a bunch of excuses for that, too. I'm an excuse making machine. Bottom line is I'm taking care of a lot of other people right now and don't really include myself in it, which will get me yelled at when some people read this. I can blame the pump (and have, multiple times) but the sensors don't work right and the settings give me "NO DELIVERY" alarms not because of faulty manufacturing (at least not all of the time) but because after fifteen years I have enough scar tissue built up in my stomach to make a sequel to Scarface. I am too tired in the middle of the night to get up and  program the thing when it beeps at me. I'm too lazy to really count my carbs. And I'm too depressed to not eat the chocolate-cookies-cheese-box of crackers. 

So why blog about this? Because I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks, and I am tired of her always trying to get me to use the latest thing (inhalable insulin? Sure, why not?) in a misguided attempt to get my A1c under control. It probably makes me sound like an addict, but I could control it any time I wanted to. And I don't. I don't want to deal with it when I have a bunch of other crap I have to deal with. The other crap I have to deal with is in many cases temporary. It may be around for a few years, even, but still. There's a light at the end of that tunnel. The diabetes will still be there. 

And before anyone starts madly typing "you need to take care of yourself before you end up with complications" comments, please. I know this. I know that I have to take care of myself. I'm literally telling you I don't want to right now. My major issue health wise this last year has not been this dumb disease that I have been saddled with for almost all of my life. It's been my mental health. The reason I'm saying this is I have a fantastic support system of friends and family that would do anything to help me, and I still feel like Bilbo. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLlLV2ExI9o

This may be my own fault. Or it could be circumstances. But I feel like not enough people really understand that the weight of "everything in my head" is something I can physically feel pressing down on me. My self respect and sense of self worth are wrapped up in making sure I take care of everyone around me first, and me later if I have the energy And I know this isn't helping the whole diabetes thing. Neither is the fact that there are Girl Scouts hocking overpriced wares in front of the grocery stores right now.

The thing is, if I was really not taking care of myself at all I wouldn't even put the sensors on, and I wouldn't bother bolusing when I eat, and instead of putting on ten pounds in the last few months I'd be back at my diabetic anorexic size 10 self. I wouldn't be on antidepressants. I wouldn't be going to see a counselor every other week. I wouldn't be forcing myself to get out of bed, listen to my anthem*, read parenting books so I could be a better mom to my son and not fight with him all the time (which adds to my depression), be more involved in work things outside of work, or- dare I say it- be in here writing a blog, which is such a huge release for me. Just stream of consciousness writing like this is actually making me feel better....and for the record, while I was writing this I paused to program my pump when it said to do so.

Calling that one a win.

*anthem:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t99KH0TR-J4