'Tis the Season to be fat and happy

Merry Christmas!

I know I tend to get a little negative here, and vent a lot about things, and I also know that Thanksgiving was last month and to do a blog about things that I am thankful for is a little late, but you know what? I'm much more thankful for things at Christmas than I am at Thanksgiving.

Things I am thankful for, 2013:

1. My family.
1.5. My dogs
2. My friends.
3. Love eternal.
4. Wibbly- wobbly, timey-wimey.
5. Music.
6. Life.

Let's break it down a little.

1. My family. I don't just mean my immediate family, like my husband and siblings and parents. I mean my cousins, and aunts and uncles. I mean my in-laws. I mean family members I don't even think about until I get out my Christmas card list and see them on it (admittedly, there are a couple, and no I am not naming names.) I haven't really been close to my extended family because I've always lived three thousand miles away from most of them, but I really am thankful for them. Family is important, and even though they are the people who are most likely to drive you crazy, they are also the people you are most likely to have things in common with, the people who are closer to you genetically than a stranger on the street, and the people who just might message you on Facebook when you're having a shit day to let you know that even though you're not close, you're family, and if you need to talk they're there to listen.

1.5 My dogs. I put them here in the middle because to me they are family, but I know not everyone gets that. Besides, they're more than family, too. They're protectors, they're children, they're best friends. My dogs are always following me around the house like an entourage. If I'm upset and crying they are all of them trying to lick my face and make me happy. They love me unconditionally and I feel the same way about them.

Besides, they're adorable!

 

2. My friends. I would be lost without my friends. I have friends all over the world, friends I email daily, and friends I visit with whenever I get to be in their neck of the woods. I have good friends that are more like family from Seattle all the way to England. I have friends I've known since I was in elementary school, friends who grew up in the same neighborhood, and friends I've not even met in "real life." All of them are important to me. There's a line that has always stuck with me in the song "Thankful Heart" from The Muppet Christmas Carol- "And if you need to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends." I have a lot of friends. I may not have a lot of them close by, but I have a lot of friends, people who I have seen come together in a common purpose to do amazing things for one another, people who have gone out of their way to pick me up at the airport or change their schedules so they could see me, people who have taken me into their homes and let me stay for the weekend- you know. Friends.

 

3. Love eternal. For some of you this makes perfect sense, others need an explanation, and the only one you're going to get is this: It's a Blockhead thing.

 

Sometimes being called a Blockhead is a compliment.

 

 

4. Wibbly- wobbly, timey-wimey.

 

Technical.

 

So, for those of you who don't watch Doctor Who, you should. Not because it's excellent Sci-Fi about a Time Lord who travels through space and time with mostly Earthling companions saving the universe over and over again with a bit of whimsy and a lot of intelligence (even though it's all of those things) but because there is nothing that gives you as much hope as the thought that a brilliant and amazing alien sees so much potential and good in mankind that he continues to save us from decimation again and again. If The Doctor thinks we're worth saving, then maybe we should think the same.

 

The Doctor.

 

 

5. Music. I pretty much can't live without it. I haven't listened to a lot of it today and I can tell you I've been a lot quicker to snap over things than I would if I'd had music playing in the background. I love all kinds of music- you already know I love New Kids on the Block and Maroon 5, but I'm also a fan of Puccini, The Beatles, Bing Crosby, the Monkees, Brad Paisley, The Carpenters, musicals, Aerosmith and Eddie Daniels (he's a jazz clarinet player.) My tastes are varied (much like my taste in movies) and while I tend to spend most of my time listening to pop music, there are days when I need to listen to country, or I need to put on classical and just mellow out. And my all time favorite song?

 

Words and Music by Jeff Moss

 

6. Life. If you're not thankful for your life, even if it's full of senseless crap like there being no way to stop your hated Google+ account that you almost never use from being connected to YouTube even though YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS and WOULD OPT OUT IF GOOGLE WERE NOT STUPID AND ACTUALLY GAVE YOU A CHOICE (like I could get through a blog without a rant?), then frankly, you're missing the bigger picture. That we exist at all is incredible. Whether a higher being or dumb luck created life as we know it on this planet is irrelevant- we exist. And while the universe may not give a damn about that, we should. Yes, I have diabetes. Yes, I feel like ick right now because I need to lose a few pounds and my blood sugar is 207 and climbing. But I'm alive. I'm alive and so are you, to quote Bill Murray in Scrooged.  And holy crap that is amazing.





Musings

I'm waiting for Star Wars: The Old Republic to finish updating...considering how long it seems to be taking, and the fact that Pinterest doesn't want to work for me, I thought I'd blog. Of course, Google is being a pain in the butt and the Blogger site isn't working as it should, either, so maybe this will be a loss too.

Sorry if I'm a little downer today, but I'm still reeling from Paul Walker's death, which undoubtedly you've heard about even if you're not a fan because it's pretty much a given that if a guy who was in the "Fast and Furious" franchise dies in a car accident, the news media is going to have a field day writing about it. Frankly, this is only adding to and not the lone source of my melancholy, but it's one of those things that just reminds you life is short and those you love may not be here tomorrow, or even later tonight, and it's making me upset because it is one more thing I have absolutely zero control over. I'm not as upset about Paul Walker as I am from thinking that it could be my husband wrapped around a tree someday, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop that from happening... I hate when I get the mean reds like this. Holly Golightly could swing by Tiffany's, but my go-to happy place isn't somewhere you can just visit for free.

Though it is really pretty at Christmastime...

I know I've been dealing with depression stuff, and I don't always put in here what's making me depressed (because some things aren't relevant or I just don't want to share), but something about this last few months has been gettin' me down. It's kind of funny, actually, because my husband told me today one of our co-workers has a handout from a "motivational" presentation I did a couple months ago hanging at her desk, and she thinks it's awesome and she looks at it everyday for inspiration. I'm way flattered, and glad to know that "do as I say don't do as I do" still works, because lately I'll just start to cry at the drop of a hat.

I feel a little overwhelmed is all. We'll get through it.

On another note, and totally switching gears, I realized the other day just how much waste I produce. Not that we don't recycle (we do), and not that I don't try to reuse things (I do), but diabetes wise...there's a lot. I mean, I knew the blood testing strips and things added up, but then I changed my pump setting at the same time that I changed my CGM sensor setting...and just wow.

I didn't think to take a picture until after I'd thrown a bunch away, too.

That's a wet erase marker in the upper left hand corner. Typical pen size, about five inches long. All of that is medical garbage. Plastic pouches, needles, alcohol wipes, old settings...every six days I toss out that much trash. Every three days it's half of that. And this doesn't include the test strips for every blood test I do (2-3 a day), the tissues I throw out that I use to stop my poor stabbed fingers from bleeding, or the empty test strip bottles, the boxes that the pump and CGM supplies come in, or the boxes that those boxes come in. It's a massive amount of non-reusable garbage that I throw away every single day.

It just kind of blew my mind. I mean, multiply this out by the number of years I've been using the pump (pushing ten) and the number of years I've been using CGM therapy (I think two? Not sure anymore), and then add in all the years yet to come...holy crap! And the thousands and thousands of needles I used before this? And the thousands and thousands of test strips and alcohol wipes I've gone through?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and he wasn't too broken up over my HbA1c...it was a 7.2, which I know is relatively good but for me feels like utter failure. That is definitely adding to my melancholy. I know I can do better. The rest of my blood work was good, too. Cholesterol is down, blood pressure okay...Even when I skip out on exercise, eating right, and using the CGM I end up doing all right. Which only goes to prove I can do better if I actually try. And of course I want to try right in the middle of Christmas. (It's like I'm setting myself up for failure. Eesh.)

Anyway, that's my musings for you. I start off thinking one thing and then the mind wanders someplace else entirely. Star Wars finally finished updating and it only took an hour. Now I don't even feel like playing, but if I don't then it will be a little like I wasted an hour...of course I won't have to update the next time I play, so there's that. And I did get a blog written, even though Google was trying to thwart me at every turn. Which means, in spite of my negativity this evening...

Carla wins.

Let's Try It Again

For those of you following along at home, I gave up on using the Medtronic Revel continuous glucose testing because it was, in a word, antisupercalifragilisticexpialidoscious. This was no spoonful of sugar we're talking about. It was definitely the rain on the chalk pavement pictures.

Today I started using the NEW and IMPROVED Medtronic Elite model of CGM, and so far I am thinking pretty highly of it. For example, the length of the sensor itself is dramatically improved.

This is the Soft Sensor that was used with the Revel. The needle there (it's encased in a plastic protector) is just about as long as a dime is wide, and it's the largest gauge needle I've ever seen. I think you can give an elephant a tranquilizer with this needle. It went in at a strange angle, as you can kind of tell (the plastic part just above the needle was supposed to be flush with my skin. I say supposed to because it was really a crap shoot over whether that would happen or not.) Also, because it went IN at an angle, you had to pull the needle OUT at the same angle or it just stayed stuck, which was always good for a panic attack.

This is the Elite Sensor. Much shorter, and it goes straight in at a 90 degree angle which makes taking it OUT really easy.  Also, I can leave it in for 6 days as opposed to 3. Already we're making a better impression. I'm sure it has quirks I will have to get used to, but the relationship is young and its still trying to impress me. I knew after only a couple months that things with the Soft Sensor weren't going to work out, but I can see the Elite and I making a long commitment to one another.

Perhaps it's just because I'm already listening to Christmas music and for some strange reason my XM/Sirius radio weirdly started working again even though the trial subscription ran out last week, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the new gear. I know I was fairly optimistic about the other Medtronic CGM, but the trainer I was working with today had little nice to say about the Soft Sensor and lots nice to say about the Elite, so I'm hopeful that they have done some serious improving.

And as for the Christmas stuff... :D

Bing and Bowie, for the win

I AM the crazy lady

So, recently I started nosing in around my Google+ profile because more of my friends are using it.  I have to say I have the same issues with it that I do with Facebook- they take my information and make it available to anyone they want to without consideration of my feelings. Personally, I miss letter writing, because then you could stay in touch with people you were friends with and not have your entire conversation plastered all over a social media webpage that automatically shares all of your private information with search engines and complete strangers. I know there are ways to set your profiles to "private" but that shouldn't be something you can DO, it should be something that happens AUTO-FREAKING-MATICALLY, and only if you WANT to share things should you have to go in and make changes to the defaults that some jerk programmer in Silicon Valley thought would be acceptable to everyone.

I know this isn't necessarily about diabetes, but here's the thing: if I want to share this blog with people (which I do, even complete strangers, because I think it might be helpful to people) via Google+, I HAVE to link it to my personal account, which means people I don't freaking know now have access to "learning more about me than I may be willing to share." Because of this, you will learn almost nothing about me from my Google+ profile, even if you're my husband, because I have almost every single solitary thing that I can set to "Only Me" set to "Only Me." And that makes social media basically a giant steaming pile of waste of time.

 I spend more time changing the defaults than I do actually posting stuff.

What I share on this blog I share because I want to, not because the privacy deficient morons at Facebook changed the privacy settings yet again so that things we thought we were posting in private are now searchable by Yahoo. And yes, I know that this blog makes me sound like a ranting lunatic who wears aluminum foil hats to keep the government out of her head (I don't, mostly because they could get around that if they wanted to), but the fact of the matter is, people, that what you put on the Internet, even in private, is FOREVER. Those Tweets you deleted? Yeah, anyone who gets your tweets sent to their phone still has them. The Library of Congress has been collecting Tweets for years. Some server somewhere has a cached memory which your tweet still resides on, and is still searchable by any search engine.  Armageddon will happen, cities will be leveled, the human race will be destroyed, and you know what? Those Tweets you deleted will still be there, and the cockroaches will be reading them while they eat Twinkies under the radioactive sky.

Now back and more resilient than ever.

Where am I going with this? It's kind of a rant, and I think I lost the point... oh yeah.

So now my blog is connected to my Google+ account, because frankly Google dominates everything and eventually we'll be calling them our lords and masters anyway. Why do I use them, then, you ask? Because I'm the only one who misses letter writing, and I see the positives in what social media can offer us, if used responsibly. I will say that at least Google makes it fairly simple to opt out of sharing things you don't want to share, whereas Facebook is run by the NSA or something considering how little they care for user privacy.

Shit, did I just get political? I'll shut up now.

Long story short, if you go to tag me in a picture or add me to an event or say we work together/went to school together on any social media, do not be surprised if I UNtag myself, say I'm not going even though I am, and refuse every single request to acknowledge that I do what I do for a living where I do it or that I matriculated from any one institution. Also, don't trust that birthday app that tells you when my birthday is, because 1) I don't allow them access to my profile and 2) Facebook doesn't know when my birthday is. Yes, I am the crazy lady. But when you've been pricking your fingers for over thirty years, you have tasted insulin as your blood stream shoots it past your taste buds because you injected it in the oh-so-wrong place, and you have spent more hours than you can count worrying about your physical health like I have, you're entitled to the crazy. At least a little.

Or in the case of Freddie Mercury, as crazy as you want.

Diabetes Girl and the NaNoWriMo

It's National Novel Writing Month, and I've been working on my diabetes novel. I wish I could say it's going well, but it's going slow, and that's not really the same thing. Having my lap top crap out on me didn't help...and neither did the fact that I logged into Star Wars: The Old Republic today and started to play that again. And "Thor 2" came out, so we'll likely go see that tomorrow...

I may never get this novel done.

It's not that I don't want to get this written. I do. It's just I know that once it's written no one's gonna read it. The idea for it started last year when I did a blog for the YALSA Hub and the idea has been germinating in the back of my head. I figured it would be a good thing to write a book for teens with a diabetic main character...one that wasn't too preachy, or had the sole focus of the book be diabetes. Should be easy-peasy for me...right?

Didn't happen last year.

Is coming along a little slower than I'd like this year.

My method of writing isn't the NaNoWriMo method. 50K words in a month? No time for editing, no time for finesse...just push out the words and let them fall where they may. Oh my lord it's the scariest thing ever. I'm totally stressin'.

So, here's a video of Tom Hiddleston showing why Loki is better than Thor. I need to get back to writing.

Didn't See That Coming

You know what's really interesting? When you make a choice and then before you get to act on it another option is presented to you to choose from which completely changes the direction you're going in. For example, today I decided I was DONE with CGM. I can't go back to using the Dexcom because I don't have thousands of dollars lying around looking for something to be spent on and I can't stand the thought of having to stick myself with the (insert several expletives here) sensors my insurance will cover. I've been sensor free all day, and for the most part my blood sugar has been relatively good. (Not great, but good.) I've also done more finger sticks today than I have in a long, long time.

I can almost hear the little bastards laughing at me.

 

But then I got to work and I had more choices than "use what the insurance will pay for even though it's kinda crap" and "go without." For behold! Medtronic has been calling me to upgrade me (for free) to their new and improved pump! I guess when I got this one in June they opted me in for a free upgrade once the new system was ready for go time. And it's go time.

 

I hesitate to be excited about this "new and improved" pump. For one thing, it's not FDA approved for use with pregnant women. I am not pregnant, but hearing that sort of thing makes me cock my head to the side like my dog and stare at the phone in confusion when the person on the other end of the call informs me of it. (Apparently the FDA requires extensive testing even if one little thing- such as a human being growing inside of you- is different than status quo, so it is likely that eventually it will be approved...I guess. I'm just going to defer to my husband, who has a lot of medical industry knowledge, and nod my head in pretend understanding.)

 

We have no idea what you're talking about.

 

Anyway, after a little research and waiting on hold for almost half an hour before talking to someone at Metronic, I decide, what the hell? It's free, it's new, and if the Medtronic website is to be believed, it's got some features that I do not currently have that I would like (#4) and some things about it seem to have been improved upon (#1-3):

 

1) the sensors are smaller (shorter and not as wide), which means I won't have to jab a giant, thick needle into my stomach every three days,

 

2) the sensors last up to six days instead of three, which is already an improvement even if the sensor itself wasn't smaller,

 

3) the new sensors are apparently 31% more accurate, which is a hallelujah moment right there,

 

4) with this higher accuracy level, it also comes with an automatic shut-off ("thresh suspend") in case I ignore a hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) alert...which I admit I do when it's the middle of the night and my pump is beeping at me. For it to shut off insulin delivery on its own and monitor when it should come back on is like...I don't know. Jesus like. Miraculous. Like it's a pancreas or something.

 

and 5) with the exception of the new and improved sensors it still uses all of the supplies I've got stored away.

 

So there are plenty of good reasons to take a chance on this new device. Hell, it looks exactly like the one I have now and the two I had before this one. It's not like you'll be able to tell by looking at me that I've got a new pump (though I am seriously considering going with blue instead of black this time. I don't know why. Maybe I just don't care if it matches my work clothing anymore.)

 

I'm thinkin' of somethin' blu-uuuuuue...

 



I've been burned in the past by this CGM stuff before, though. I admit the Dex meter did produce results, but it made me mental. And while I appreciate the price point of the Revel, I hate those sensors. I mean, I hate them. I hate them the way a Steeler fan hates the Browns or the Ravens, the way a Dodger fan hates the Giants, the way a Red Sox fan hates the Yankees and vice versa. We're taking epic sports rivalry hatred here, folks. Just looking at those sensors fills me with trepidation and revulsion...and this is after I figured out how to put the damn things in properly.

 

It's midnight-thirty as I write this so there will be no spell checking tonight, folks. I'll just schedule this to post in the morning and leave you with this thought...

 

Do we really need a sequel to Beetlejuice? Only if they bring back the cartoon...

 

 

Which came on right before these guys every Saturday morning...one of whom is wearing Beetlejuice inspired attire about 15 seconds in...

 

 

 

And they were on right before an hour of this:

 

 

Clearly I remember my Saturday mornings in 1990 very fondly. 

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

I've been a little depressed lately, I will admit. A look at my last few blog posts is evidence enough of that. And when I get depressed I tend to focus on the negative more than usual (which is saying something). But for once I have good news...and some embarrassing news.

First, the good. We got an email at work yesterday that said my endocrinologist was going to be covered as an in-network doctor even though Aetna itself isn't covering him (yet). Yay!

Happy Dance!

 

This is such a relief to me that I can't adequately put it into words....well, maybe one.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. (Which, I am pleased to see, my spellcheck tells me I spelled correctly on the first try.)
 

And now the embarrassing thing. I've been complaining about how miserable it is to put the new CGM sensor in for weeks. It often doesn't go all the way in and I have to stick myself more than once, twice, three times...My last blog post, I think, really went off on the device. I have since inserted two sensors without any problems whatsoever. Why? Because I realized I was doing it wrong. If you put the sensor into the inserter correctly it works really well. At some point I got cocky and forgot to be careful with what I was doing.

 

When the fail is so strong, one Facepalm is not enough indeed.

 

Which just goes to prove that even after having diabetes for decades I can still learn a thing or two about taking care of it. Namely, don't cut corners you idiot.

 

I'm still not out of the depression woods yet, but I've been feeling a lot more up than down the past week or so, and I'm not really sure why that is but I'm not about to over-analyze it. There are still big things that will set me off and make me cry, but I'm better able to handle the little things. I think it's because I vented and a lot of people reached out to me, which made me feel less lonely than I have been. Also, I've been trying to laugh more. 

 

"Laughter is the best medicine; you can't OD and the refills are free." So says Rob Paulsen, who has been entertaining you and your kids for quite a few years with his voice (seriously, his IMDb page is a mile long. He's Yakko on Animaniacs, Pinky on Pinky and the Brain, Carl on Jimmy Neutron, has been two Ninja Turtles...the man's incredible). "Everything you can imagine is real." That one's attributed to Pablo Picasso. "You cannot reason with the heart; it thumps about things which the intellect scorns." Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. I've actually been researching "motivation" for a presentation I'm giving on Saturday (no, I didn't pick the topic), and I've been relying heavily on quotes to fill time. Twain didn't make it in because I can't figure out how to relate it to motivation, but Pablo and Rob did, among others.

 

I actually have a list of quotes by my desk, along with various other things that make me smile- pictures of my family, lots of Obi-Wan Kenobis, a giant map of Disneyland and a less giant map of Boston I picked up on my lone visit there. Honestly, I should never be depressed in my office. It's way too cool in there.

 

 

Don't you wish your office was cool like me?



I think the only thing that isn't obvious about me just from looking at my office is that I'm a diabetic, which is fine with me, since no one wants to be defined by their disability. I'd much rather be defined by the fact that I have a life-sized, working Muppet taking dictation for me or a blaster wielding space pirate guarding my filing cabinet. Or the fact that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to taking care of my diabetes. :)

I guess my lesson for the last couple months is that you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both...and then you have George Clooney before ER made him ridiculously famous.

Incidentally, Mindy Cohn is also an amazing voice actor these days. :)

 

To Boldly Go...Back to the Drawing Board

*sigh*

The CGM Saga continues. When we last met, our heroine was trying to objectively compare the two continuous glucose monitors at her disposal...

Today she wishes she'd never heard of either of them.

I went through three sensors and five needle pokes today to get one of those damn things inserted. It brought me to tears.- not because it hurt but because it was so frustrating. The hurt comes later. Have I shown you what happened last time it took me more than one merciful needle sticking to get one of these things working?

My tummy, ladies and gentlemen. I've seen UFC fighters in better shape.

Even if I had the body for it, I would never wear a bikini, that's for sure. The bruising and tissue damage is unreal considering I've been poking myself with a needle to insert my pump settings for eight years with no freaking problems. Same company, completely different technology.

Now, as my husband sweetly pointed out while he was consoling me this morning, CGM is kinda new. I'm on the cutting edge here, and they haven't worked out the issues that are sure to arise when technology is new. I mean, when cell phones were new there wasn't great coverage, calls were dropped all the time, and it was easy to break a phone if you dropped it- but that was over twenty years ago. Things are much improved today.

So what you're saying is I'm screwed.

 

I can't very well wait for the technology to get better, so I have to make do with what I've got to work with, but I am not sure how much longer I can emotionally take this. Since the new insurance kicked in we're thinking maybe now they'll cover the Dex company, though so far the only differences I've found in the coverage are that more things are not covered. Still, it can't hurt to call and find out, right? Maybe they'll not only cover it, but they'll cover the new Dex meter, which has a color screen. Ooooh. It's also smaller...which means I'd just lose it more but as long as it takes less sharp jabs to my tummy, I'll manage. We'll see how that goes. I've already dealt with one incredibly frustrating thing this morning, so maybe calling the insurance company should wait until later.

 

In the meantime, I will do my best to keep it together. My husband making amusing puns as he installs the new toilet helps ("I knew this project was going to tank" is my current favorite). And of course, I've got music. New Kids on the Block, Maroon 5, Bing and Frank....songs from my favorite musicals. Oh, and of course there's the classics.

 

 

Updating the Upgrades

Arrrr, me mateys. 'Tis International Talk Like a Pirate day, and also me little mutt Rosabel's birthday. Truth be told, a mutt she is not, but a purebred Cairn terror, who sets herself upon the ankles of the unsuspecting and trips those usually sure of foot.

She be a well read pup, too, though a wee bit more scraggy bearded these days.

(Also, the book she be readin' be available from Amazon.com, if'n ye be interested.)

 

Okay, I could go on but I won't (at least with the shameless self promotion.)

I've been using the Medtronic/ Minimed Paradigm Revel (aka, my tricked out insulin pump with CGM) for about three months now, and I think that I have given it a long enough run to be able to adequately, and even objectively, compare it to the Dexcom CGM that it replaced....yeah, they both kind of have issues.

Let's back up to this morning. I have been on the verge of a breakdown for a couple weeks now. First my car goes engine up, then the insurance is changed on us in a very bold and seemingly underhanded way, then my husband's truck pulls the same engine trick my car did, and then our toilet cracks like it was made out of very cheap porcelain. Add this to the various odds and ends that have been piling up, and I was due. So this morning when I was changing my sensor and started to bleed I had a total meltdown.

Who's crazy now?

I know what you're thinking. "You have been sticking yourself with needles for decades. You check your blood sugar at least two or three times a day. You have two doohickeys in your abdomen at all times. What's a little blood? A little blood is nothing!"  And you're right, but I'm not talking about a little blood. I was gushing. Maybe I haven't mentioned this, but I freak out at the sight of more than a little drop of blood and we are not taking about a little drop here. Anyway, I started to cry, which freaked out my husband, and then I said, "I never thought I'd say this, but I miss my Dex meter," which may have freaked him out even more because I really hated that thing.

However, it's been a couple months since I switched devices, and I think it's a good time to lay out the pros and cons of each one, even though I don't think that either has shown an overall clear superiority.

Let's start with the Dex. As a refresher, here's what it looks like:

Not one of my better days, this.

 

Pros (and yes there are some): 1) it was overall more accurate, 2) the software was easy to use and understand, which made making adjustments to my insulin settings easy, 3) one sensor lasted for 7-10 days, and 4) I never had problems inserting the sensor.

 

Cons: 1) I lost it all the damn time because it just clipped onto a pocket (or fell out of them more often than not), 2) Dexcom's customer service left much to be desired (I think taking $1600 out of someone's checking account without contacting them first and then taking three weeks to put it back counts as some of the worst customer service ever, and I've had waitresses spill beer on me.), 3) My insurance didn't cover the sensors, hence the $1600 co-pay they didn't clear with me first, 4) the sensors were kinda big and 5) each sensor came with its own plastic inserter, so I was throwing out a lot of medical waste.

 

And now let's look at the Revel:

 

Imagine a little sensor icon next to the clock, and this is it.

 

Pros: 1) It's one device instead of two, so I don't lose it, 2) It's covered by my insurance, 3.) If I need to make an out-of-the-ordinary $5 co-pay Medtronic calls my house and my cell phone, leaves me a message, and doesn't ship until I call back and confirm it is okay. In other words, they have excellent customer service, 4) Because it's all in one, the CGM actually works with my pump which makes it faster and easier to take care of highs and lows, and 5) Each sensor can be inserted using a reusable device, so there's less waste.

 

Cons: 1)I have no idea how the software works because it doesn't work with Windows 8, and that's what I've got on my laptop, 2) each sensor only lasts 3-4 days, so I'm sticking myself more often, 3) I sometimes have to stick myself 2-3 times and use more than one sensor to actually get one working, which means I'm sticking myself way more often and 4) It's not as accurate as the Dexcom. And 5) it beeps ALL THE BLEEPING TIME...but I set it to do that, so it's not really a con.

 

When it comes to my health I know I should be looking more at how these devices affect my health. And I think, honestly, I was in better health with the Dexcom. However, the bottom line is actually the bottom line, and there's no way that I, or anyone I know, can afford a $1600 co-payment for sensors every three months. And as irritating as the constant sensor replacement is, it was far more frustrating to lose a device that cost four thousand dollars because it wouldn't stay in my pocket a couple times a week

 

To be blunt, the Medtronic Revel is better than nothing, and overall less irritating than the Dexcom, but if I could afford to use the Dexcom, I probably still would. I guess.

 

So there ye have it, me hearties. No true consensus to be found amongst the crew, and we're still floatin' upon the Seas at Her whim, with nawt e'en a breeze to lead us to our fates. It's as if we be cursed to sail on to the horizon without a map and compass...

 

Okay, I'll really stop now....maybe.

 



 

 

 

Beware the Ides of everything

SO...yeah. I've not been happy the last couple weeks. My car having engine problems to the tune of $6700 dollars ended up in me getting a new car, our insurance changes are likely leading to more money out of my pocket (or a new Doctor, which would be a complete other thing I don't want to deal with since I just got used to the current one) and the diet we were trying ended up not doing what we were hoping for, though we are eating better and it is costing us less than our prior noshing habits. Okay, fine. Trials in life and all that. I get it. We dealt with it. We took life's lemons and sucked on them and now we're fine. It happens.

But the truck now having engine trouble that is likely either going to cost us $7K or force us to get another new or new-to-us vehicle is ridiculous.

I'm not seeing it.

 

To say that life is stressing me out right now would be an understatement, and that of course means I will be feeling the repercussions in my blood sugar. Everyone keeps telling me to "take care of myself" but honestly, if I could lessen my stress don't you all think I'd have done that by now? I don't exactly like staring at my budget spreadsheet on Sunday morning but sometimes you need to do that (unless you're rich and pay someone to do that. So much the better for you.)

 

So life may be "abounding" in comedy, but right now, with the exception of my husband making some particularly goofy jokes this afternoon, I'm not laughing.

 

Oh, I see. Thanks for clarifying, Mel.

 

Tragedy + Time = Comedy, apparently, and right now I feel like I'm in the middle of tragedy, so I can only assume in a couple months I'll look back on this and laugh. Money is one of those things that no one ever has enough of and I am no exception. Even if I had more I'd still want more on top of that. I want to pay off my debt (who wants to spend the rest of their life paying off cars and houses?), but I can't do that if I keep accumulating it.

 

I spend all this time planning things out- we'll eat this food, I'll lose this weight, we'll pay this off, I'll read this book, whatever- and life never goes according to my plans. I know I'm not bad at making plans. I do it for work and often that comes out okay. I've planned trips, I've planned afternoon excursions, I've even planned massively big events that have gone off splendidly. But I try to plan my financial future or health...um, healthful...health...plans? Anyway, I try to plan either of those two things, and I get a giant cosmic "Oh no you di'in't!" from the Universe.

 

Sure, now he tells me.

 

And to say that I'm okay with this would be a bold faced lie.  If I had all the money in the world, if I had all the time and energy and every resource at my disposal, I still would not be able to control and plan for some things, and frankly, I take issue with that. This is why I like to write. I control everything when I write. A character stubs his toe? All me. A character wins the lottery, buys an island in the Caribbean and spends weeks at a time there with her friends celebrating boy band music? Totally doable. Wings bust out of my back and I can fly from here to NYC to see a Broadway show and still be home in time to catch the morning news? Hell yes. And if a character in a story I am writing comes up with a great way of paying off her house, her car, her credit card and her student loan it's gonna freakin' happen for her.

 

Actually, now that I think about it.... if I had all the time and energy and every resource at my disposal...I'd be a Time Lord. And I'd be okay with that.

 



 

 

Oh, fine. If you don't get it watch this, and if you do you likely are still chuckling over the Whovian reference at the beginning of this rant. Sing along!:

 

 

And as an aside...happy diabetes anniversary to me.



Goddamnitsomuch

With less than a month of lead time, we were notified our insurance is changing, effective September 1st. My endocrinologist is NOT COVERED. I bet NONE of my doctors are, and right now I'm too disheartened to even look. Likely, I will have to go through getting all of my pump and CGM supplies recertified, a process I JUST FINISHED DOING with the other insurance. I'll either have to find a new endocrinologist and start all over, or pay the $100 office visits myself. And if I decide to suck it up and pay for the office visits, none of the tests he runs will be covered so I will have to pay for all of those out of pocket, too.

"91.7% of providers in the Multiplan PPO network are also in the Aetna PPO network, so very few of you will have to change providers in order to receive services from an in-network provider." You know what that is? Bullshit. I don't usually mind being the exception to the rule, but in this case I MIND VERY MUCH.

Add this to the stress of my car dying this month, causing a financial setback I wasn't prepared for, and I'm pretty much at the end of the rope folks.

<insert snarky comment I'm too upset to come up with right now here>

I'm so stressed out and depressed about this that I'm crying. Not even music is making me feel better. What the hell sort of day is it when listening to New Kids on the Block doesn't make me feel better? A hell of a day, I guess. I just hope the rest of the week doesn't suck this much...

Lloyd Bridges was hilarious

I'm sure I'll just go in to work (late, because I'm not even dressed yet) and call the new insurance on my lunch break and keep my cool and figure this out like a responsible, mature adult. Or I'll ignore it, have a hissy all day, and blow my diet by drinking the six beers in the fridge as soon as I get home. Right now I am undecided.

One year later...

I've been writing this blog for a year. That's incredible. It certainly doesn't feel like a year.

A long, long time ago I started working on my "autobiography," which was an idea steeped in vanity because, let's face it, I haven't done much of anything with my life and I certainly hadn't done anything with my life when I started writing it. The idea was to call it the True Confessions of a Middle Aged 20-something- reflections on a life with diabetes, and maybe get it published so that kids who were diagnosed with diabetes, or maybe their parents, could see that living with this disease is do-able. Not necessarily always easy, never fun, but do-able. (And yes, in my mid twenties I felt middle aged...now I'm middle aged and I feel like I'm sixteen half the time. Woot.)

I think the blog is working better, obviously. For one thing, publishing a book is a pain in the ass. It costs money if you do it on your own (money that most people who self-publish fail to recoup, in my experience) and getting someone else to do it takes more time than I have. Secondly, my life is a work in progress. When I started the book version of this *NSync was still recording new music and the Twin Towers were still standing in New York City. My husband and I only had one dog. I wasn't using an insulin pump and CGM wasn't even something I'd heard of. Since that time New Kids on the Block has reunited and Seal Team 6 took care of the evil minded nutcase that brought the towers down. We now have three dogs, I've been on the pump for almost ten years, and CGM is something I don't think I could live without. A lot has happened during this time. And a lot continues to happen...

 

The Phantom Tollbooth- read it, see it. Yes, in that order.

Even with the passage of time, the book that almost was sits in the back of my memory. There was some good material there. I started with picking my mom's brain, going through old year books, trying to remember the things that happened when I was a kid. What school was like, how it felt to be the "diabetes girl," how things weren't that different in the grand scheme of things. I only stopped working on it because I had hit a wall- i.e., I'd hit present day and there wasn't much else to say except, "Yeah, and I'm still here, so...that's good." It was kind of done, and yet it felt like it wasn't finished because I wasn't finished.

Since I started that book my perception has changed on a lot of things. When I was a kid the thought of using a pump- sticking  needle in my stomach- was horrifying. I fought my doctor on that subject for years and years. Truthfully, I swore  there was no way I was ever going to do it. Well, look at me now. Perception is a fact of life. How you look at things is as important as what you're looking at. Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. That's as true now as it was when it was spoken a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away by a very wise dead guy.

 

That's right; it was this guy in a movie studio back in 1983.

I think this blog is fluid where a book would be static. And static isn't a bad thing- do you want to go back to your beat up copy of Pride and Prejudice someday and find Lizzie has run off with Bingley? Of course you don't. But since how I've been looking at my life with diabetes has changed so much over the years, I'm glad there isn't a book that details in black and white everything I was thinking when I was twenty two. I was naïve back then, and not nearly as sardonic or witty. And, if I may allow myself a little toot-you-own-horn moment, not nearly as talented at writing as I am now. At least now I think I've found my voice.

But the biggest reason I think the blog is more of a success is that I know I'm reaching more people with it than I would if I were to just write a book and try to publish it. It's out there...tagged with search terms and stored on Google's blogosphere, waiting to be discovered by someone who might need to hear what I'm saying. And that in and of itself I count as a win to me. Am I really reaching lot of people? No. I can see my stats and each post usually gets about 20 hits, more or less. But the potential is there. And seeing as how a book would have to come to an end at some point much sooner that I plan to come to an end myself, this works even better for me...because now I can finish it when it needs to be finished...

Pegged

A perfectionist is someone who spends his life feeling bad because he can't live up to standards no one else lives up to either. -- Chris Crutcher

This may be one of the truest things I've ever heard/ read. For those of you who don't know who Chris Crutcher is, he's an author of young adult books that are often banned for being too real to life for some parents to feel comfortable letting other people's kids read them. He's also a really nice guy with years of experience counseling troubled teens, and this quote is from a graduation keynote speech he gave this year. And boy is he right on the money with this. In fact, he has me pegged pretty well. I spend my life feeling bad.

I want to be perfect. I want to have no debt, always have a showroom clean house, never make a mistake at work, and always have my blood sugar be between 80 and 120. And none of those damn things ever happens.

I have debt- we all do, and the sooner I accept that I'm always going to owe someone money the less stressed out I'm gonna be. My house was showroom clean once...then I moved into it and brought all my stuff with me. I'm a packrat, and I can't seem to ever throw anything away, and my house doesn't grow in proportion to how much stuff I have. As for work, sometimes just going is a mistake. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but today is one of those days where every little thing is making me angry and frustrated, and when you work with kids and you have no patience, it's better to stay home and watch cartoons.

Currently I'm trying to get through Saiyuki, which is awesome.

 

As for the diabetes... well, you all know how well that goes. Lately it seems like the harder I try the worse it gets. And the fact that I've come to appreciate a beer after work to help me relax doesn't help, because alcohol does weird things to blood sugars, even if you're not getting drunk. I have started on the exercise bike again, so that's a good thing, at least. A half an hour on that thing with Saiyuki on the TV goes by pretty quick. It also helps with the depression, which has been getting to me of late.

 

Usually writing takes care of that for me. I get depressed, I get on the computer, open Word, and two or three scenes in a story later I'm feeling better. I created something. I focused my energies in a positive direction. I did not sit there and watch "Oklahoma" for the one thousandth time while eating another Twinkie.

 

 

I actually prefer these.

 

 

Lately though, writing isn't coming as easy as it used to. And it's not helping me even when it does. Of course, neither does drinking a seasonal Sam Addams and eating greasy little snack cakes. The bike does help, so who knows...maybe I'll get in shape after all.

 

I am not perfect. I am as flawed as they come, yet I still keep trying to reach that pinnacle of excellence known as perfection, which Chris Crutcher is so right to have pointed out is not gonna happen. Hell, even Jesus had a bad day at the temple, right?  So why am I stressing myself out over this? Why can't I look at a model in a magazine and see her for the Photoshopped mythical creature she actually is? Why can't I just be happy being the best I can be? Why do I set goals for myself that cannot be achieved?

 

Damned if I know. Hand me a Sam Addams and a Twinkie. It's time for cartoons.

 

 







Deep thoughts by the meme generator

I've been flippant a lot in this blog, and likely will be again soon (maybe even this paragraph) but the fact is sometimes I think very deeply about what it means to live with something debilitating every day of my life.

It sucks out loud.

Really, it does. My pump, which is clearly the best thing to happen to controlling my diabetes since I took over the reins from my mother, keeps me awake all. Night. Long. It beeps messages incessantly. "You're going high." "You are high." "You're going high really fast." "Check your blood sugar in an hour." "Check your blood sugar NOW." "Did you forget to give insulin?" "You're starting to go low." "You are low." "You're sill low, haven't you gotten some juice yet moron?" And while part of me is glad that I get all of these alerts part of me is all "OMG STFU." (Translation for those not up on Internet shorthand: Oh, for Pete's sake, stop beeping at me. Please and stuff.)

You know what else sucks? Low blood sugars, which I admit I haven't had many of lately, probably because I haven't been eating right or exercising. But when I do have them they are scary, and I always feel like I'm not in control of the situation. Then there's my behavior when I'm going low- it's not always very nice. This is also true of when my blood sugar is high, but I am usually aware enough to know I'm acting like a jerk because I feel like utter crap when I'm high. Lows are a different story. Lows can have me yelling at firemen who are standing around in my bedroom at 4 am trying to make sure I don't die. That's just not very nice.

Could be one or the other. Hell, it could be both.

You know what else sucks? People who like to tell you how to live your life with diabetes when they don't even understand what it is. It's one thing to say, "Hey I read an article about diabetes that said ___. Let me see if I can email you the link." I'm okay with that, because at least you're not acting like you know better than I do. It's another thing entirely to say, "Oh, all you need to do is not eat carbs and it will go away." Or, "You know, eating cinnamon will cure you." Or, my personal favorite, "You shouldn't have eaten so much sugar as a kid. Then you wouldn't be diabetic."

Really, I'd love to hear it. Regale me.

Also on the list of things that suck about living with an illness that never goes away and can make living in the real world with regular people hard...all that stuff. I am going to the endocrinologist four times a year. I have a podiatrist, I make sure I always visit the dentist and I pay extra money at the eye doctor so I can have my retinas scanned every time I go. I meet my insurance deductible within the first couple months of the year. I take longer to get better when I'm sick. If my insertion site for my pump is off, I feel like crap until I can do it again because I'm not getting the insulin I need. Today it took me three jabby needles to get my new CGM sensor in because I kept hitting tissue that was so tough the needles only went in half-way. I have no fingerprints on some fingers because I've been jamming needles into them for over thirty years. I go to bed every night hoping my blood sugar doesn't crash so much that I don't wake up the next morning.

My husband has migraines, and some days his pain is worse than others. And it breaks my heart, because while I am not in pain every day like he is, I understand how easy it is to feel hopeless about dealing with something  like this. Your body, your temple, your home, is against you. Think about that. The things you want to do you can't because you're fighting your own body. How can you live with daily headaches that make even the simplest things ten times harder than they should be? How can you live with having to balance everything you eat with self administering hormones and keeping track of how much you exercise so you don't go into a coma all day, every day, for as long as you live? How can you beat the crap the world throws at you when your health bar isn't at 100% when the game starts?

Where's Frodo when you need him?

 

I don't mean to sound like I'm on the pity train again, because I'm not. I know there are people out there who have it worse than me. There are days, though, that I wonder why do I even bother trying with this? I could eat the same thing at the same time every day, give the same amount of insulin for it, do the same amount of exercise in conjunction, and one day I'll be fine, the next I'll be low, and the third I'll be high. There's no rhyme or reason to this, and there's no pattern to figure out. There's no vacation from it, either. And there are days when all I want to do is cry and scream in frustration, but instead I get up and go to work and smile and try not to show it because I really don't want my life to be about living with diabetes- I just want to live my life.

 

It has nothing at all to do with living with diabetes, but it has everything to do with being who you are and knowing that you're special exactly the way you are even though it's not always easy, and sometimes that message helps just as much to get through the day. It's been covered by so many people (amazing people like Julie Andrews, Lena Horne and Ray Charles) but my favorite has always been the original....so take it away, Kermit.