No. No, No, No part 2

The second verse is as bad as the first.

As I write/wrote this our dog Shiva is/was lying next to me. She's 17 and was diagnosed with kidney disease just under a year ago. The past few months she's been going down hill- she can't get up on her own very well, can't walk in a straight line, and, like Bandit, when we come home from work she's covered in feces and urine because she can't control her bladder.

I've tried coming home from work during my lunch hour to clean her up, changing the feeding schedule so that it's less likely she'll have to potty while we're not here, and bought more rugs and blankets so that we always have something clean to put under her when she's made a mess. I'd be happy to keep doing that for as long as I have to, but the fact of the matter is...it's time.

Rare moment of stillness

You can count her ribs now. The kidney disease has really taken a toll on her and she's weighs half of what she used to. She pants a lot, even lying on the cool floor. Shiva's favorite thing in the world was to chase after a ball- she would literally do it until you got tired and stopped. I once saw her jump over our couch starting from a sitting position. While we were at Disney World many years ago a friend of ours was watching the dogs- he called to let us know that when he'd come over to feed them he'd found her on top of the kitchen island,  and she was stuck because getting up was no biggie but she couldn't figure out how to get down.  I've never met a more active dog. And now all she does is lie on her bed looking tired, emaciated, and sad. She can't even wag her tail anymore. Or maybe she just doesn't want to.

Christmas a few years ago

I hate this.

Not like, "Oh, I hate when that happens" or "I hate having to watch commercials"- I mean  I hate this.  It's heartbreaking to see her like this, but the thought that she won't be here tomorrow is one I hate even more. How can I make her keep going though? She's on pain medication twice a day, you can hear her joints creak and clack when she moves, and she's constantly barking to get up to get a drink, or eat, or pee, or just try to find a comfortable position. She can't even tell us what she'd like us to do so we have to guess, and that leaves me with the same kind of doubt that I still carry with me about Bandit.

I was listening to Billy Crystal's book Still Foolin' 'Em last week. (It's hilarious and touching and I recommend it if you haven't read it and don't mind stuff that's blue. If you don't know what that means, maybe don't get the audio book so you can skip over the colorful language...) In it he talks about saying good-bye to elderly family, and letting go, and it helped me decide that it is time to do that with Shiva.  He goes over the whole, "Who's gonna make the decision for me when the time comes?" scenario, and was stuck in it with his uncle, but his uncle passed on on his own. He just had to make the choice to not resuscitate.

I don't want Shiva to suffer but it feels so wrong to me to say she's had enough when she can't tell me that herself. But that's what we have to live with, because from what I see, she's ready.

Look at that tail go. That's one happy pup. She went through two

of those octopus toys. It had squeakers for days.

So here we are in October again, having to make that same heartbreaking decision, and frankly October can go **** off. October is when my Grandmother died, when we lost Bandit, now we're losing Shiva. It's also Halloween, the holiday I dislike the most. (I don't care for horror and I'm a diabetic- it's not exactly designed for me.) I say we skip October and go straight to November this year, not that it will make the pain go away. For fans of this rotten month, well...to each his own, I guess.

If you didn't click the link on Bandit's name above, you should. I'm feeling everything I was last year- the weirdness of scheduling the appointment, the rottenness of knowing the day and time, being sorry for so many things. I knew this was coming last year when we said good-bye to Bandit. They were only a couple months apart and being so close in age I knew we'd have to say good-bye to her soon. I was just hoping it wasn't this soon.

I was just feeding her this morning. I was just getting puppy kisses. I was just giving her a treat. She can't be gone.

Truths

Being a diabetic sucks.

I know, this is a revelation. But it's true.

I was having trouble with getting insulin delivery through my pump, and I correctly assumed it was because of the large amount of scar tissue in my stomach. I have, after all, been on the insulin pump for well over 10 years, and 10 years of jabbing my tummy with infusion sets is bound to create some scaring. In addition to this, ever since I started with the continuous blood glucose testing I've rarely changed sides of my body with the infusion sets. I sleep on my right side and that often interferes with the sensor readings.

So I flipped things around, and put the insulin infusion on the left and started to use the continuous blood glucose testing sensor on the right. And now I'm having no probs with the insulin, but my sensors aren't even lasting a day because they keep giving me drastically wrong readings and having so many error messages that the pump is just throwing in the towel.

I can see why. Darn thing is broken.

For the record, that thin little piece of wire should be straight. It goes in with the help of a small needle, which should keep it from getting bent out of shape. My body did that to it. My body. Bent it. I've got so much scar tissue in my abdomen that it bent wire. I'm not surprised by this, either, because I had a little trouble getting the needle out, which means that it was probably a little bent, too.

I'll let you think about that for a second. 

What does this mean? I'm not really sure, other than I really have to find another body part to start putting my sensor and infusion sets in. If this is what happens after 10 years, and I'm not even 40 yet, how much more of myself do I have to scar up before they either find a cure (unlikely) or I die (hopefully far into the future)? 

There are ways around this. You're not supposed to insert these things into the same place every time. I don't. I use the circle method, which means I just move them around in a rotation so that no one area gets jabbed every time. But eventually you end up back where you started in a circle, and I've found that certain areas (too close to the belly button, or too close to the rib cage, for example) aren't as receptive and cause issues with delivery and sensor readings, too.  You also can't put the two things close together because the one can interfere with the other, or so I've been told.

Keep in mind Medtronic is still calling me to upgrade because my warranty expired, and I'm sure they will have two or three generations of pumps above what I've got which will address these issues. Probably. So I guess I should call and see what they are offering and maybe get a new pump even though I really don't want to.

Whoop de doo.

There and back again...

I've been lax with the diabetes thing lately. Frankly, I've got a lot of other life stuff going on right now and prioritizing hasn't always been my strongest skill. We're nearing the point where we're going to have to deal with losing Shiva, our 16 1/2 year old dog who has been with us for at least 15 of those years. After losing Bandit less than a year ago, I'm even less ready for this than I was before. We took in another foster child- older than Lani, so to say it's been an adjustment is a massive understatement. The Terrible Twos are BS, by the way, because now that Lani is three I've discovered my least favorite age for a child is the "I'm going to drag you straight into Hell and make you question whether you had sanity when you decided to become a parent Threes."

In a nutshell, things have been kinda stressful.

But that's to be expected, and I never thought that being a parent (whether it be to human children or fur babies) was always going to be sunshine and roses. Hell, even Mrs. Brady had some hard times.

Lately, though, I've been really slacking on me. And this is apparent from the fact that I've been dealing with Medtronic/insurance tralala for over a month and haven't bothered to come here to blog about my complaints until now. It's mostly because I don't have the time to do it, but also because I almost just don't care anymore. This is what life with diabetes is like. I should just get used to it.

Here's the dealio on what's goin' on:

1. Work changes our insurance (or in my case, the union does), and I forget to submit the info to the pump supplies supplier. (April 1st)
2. They send me an email to let me know they can't send me my supplies because my insurance was denied. I call and leave a message telling them everything is the same except the name of the insurance company (because that's the truth). (May 26)
3. I send an email because I don't get a call back. (May 28)
4. I get an email asking for my insurance card. I send them an email with scans of both sides. (May 30, 31)
5. Weeks pass and I don't get my supplies. 
6. I send an email as a follow-up (JUNE 28) and get three emails from three different people over the course of a few days days asking the same damned question- "Which one is your primary?" I reply to all three with the answer. I resend the scans of the cards (June 29- July 5)
7. More weeks pass. I get an email asking for 30 days of blood glucose test results...as if I keep those. (July 14)
8. I ask why I need them, and am told the insurance won't approve without them. Fine. I pull what numbers I have off of my glucometers and send them. (July 15)
9. I get a response asking me to include my name and birth date on the Excel document (July 15) because I guess it's not legit if someone else does that so I get it done and sent today. (July 16)
10. I still don't have my pump supplies.

I'd like to point out that this started in May, and it is now July, and if I weren't the kind of person who stocks up on supplies in case something happens, like, oh, I don't know, insurance and pump suppliers become completely incompetent and I have to wait weeks for my supplies, I'd be in a world of hurt right now. As it is, I'm just annoyed.

Oh, and someone from Medtronic keeps calling and emailing me to try and get me to buy a new pump because the one I have just ran out of warranty. He couldn't have timed that worse. I may have a stock pile of supplies, but I'm far more likely to shop around for a new pump company after all of this if my insurance is willing to foot the bill...which, you may remember from last time, they are NOT even if Medtronic claims they are.

Whether or not I get a new one is highly dependent on two factors: 1) How much do I owe out of pocket, and 2) How much do I want to deal with it?

The answers to these questions and more will just have to wait until next time.

Fail = Epic

Today = Epic Diabetes Fail

I'll preface this by saying that I don't always take the best-ever care of myself, but I'm usually pretty good about not causing catastrophic injury. Today though, the stars aligned for epic disaster.

It started out like any other Saturday morning. Got up, got the Toddler ready for daycare, got myself ready for work, felt rushed and frazzled because I'd slept in after not sleeping well all night. Dropped the boy at school, got on the road, got to work ready for the day. In a good mood, actually.

It didn't take me long to realize I felt like garbage in spite of my good mood though, so I checked my blood sugar and got this reading:

OMG, no wonder I feel rotten! Better give myself some insulin!

I even used the Bolus Wizard on my pump rather than just randomly pick a number of units and guess. I was on point with this taking care of myself thing. Why was it that high? Could have had something to do with the donut I'd just had for breakfast that I hadn't yet bolused for...Okay, Maybe "on point" isn't the right term. But no worries, right? I got this. Correction dose + donut bolus =  Insulin had been given, the day would continue as usual.

Nope.

Fast forward a couple of hours, and now I'm feeling even worse. Like, over and above worse. I took a break from the desk to check my blood sugar, but didn't even have to go that far because I discovered something on my way to my office that really stunk...and I mean this literally. If not for it being Spring and my allergies making smelling anything difficult I'd have realized a long time before then that I was leaking insulin. Why?

Because the blasted pump setting was on wrong. I had given all those units of insulin to my shirt, and not to me. It's no wonder I felt like utter crap. And insulin has a rather unpleasant smell (and taste, come to that) which is usually an immediate sign something is amiss.

Just to give you an idea of what a pump setting is supposed to look like when connected properly, here ya go.

Flush against the skin, lined up correctly, and locked

I tried to duplicate what it looked like when it wasn't on properly, and couldn't. I can only therefore assume that since I cannot purposely put it on wrong the fact that I somehow managed to do so this morning after I got out of the shower can only be attributed to epic fail skills I wish I did not have.

The thing that really made it an epic fail, though, wasn't that I got it on wrong. 

What makes it even worse is that I was already operating on a Low Reservoir. 

Without me even telling you, I bet you can guess that a low reservoir probably means I didn't have a lot of insulin on me. (We already know I had none in me.) Basically, there's a little tube I fill with insulin that's called a reservoir, and the pump periodically gives me a little shot of the stuff from there to keep me in a normal blood sugar range. If I eat, I manually give more to cover the carbohydrates. The tube holds a lot of units, and when I have about 50 left the pump alerts me that the insulin reservoir is low, and I need to fill it soon. Technically 45 units will last me over 24 hours, because I only get 1.6 units per hour. Technically is bull, because that doesn't take into account eating.

Well, I was down to about 44 units, and I had given myself 14 units- correction, I'd given my shirt 14 units- and now I had to give myself 14 more units to counteract that goof. (And no, this time I didn't bother with the Bolus Wizard. I'd already messed up so I really didn't need to see how much higher I'd gone.) No worries, right? That's only 28 units given...leaving me with 16 or so, only I still had to figure out lunch. Lunch boluses are usually about 10-12 units, so NBD, I'd still have 4-6 units to last me the 6 hours before I got home. 

1.6 x 6 = 9.6

CRAP. Now I don't have enough insulin to get me through the day! 

That might not sound like a big deal, but a couple hours without any insulin going in is really, really bad. I mean, look how high it went after two hours of no insulin this morning...never mind breakfast, which I'd only just eaten and hadn't even had a chance to break down into anything.

Long story short (too late) I went home sick from work today, because I feel yucky and needed my medication. I am also really pissed at myself for landing in this predicament, because it was completely avoidable and I hate taking off of work because of this stupid disease. I very rarely do that. The real fail here is I feel like I didn't conquer, but was conquered, by my arch nemesis today.

Guess I know what I gotta do.

Back to Life

Hey. It's been awhile. Part of that is because I never seem to have the time or energy to write these days, though the itch has been growing and I've been opening up stagnant stories in the hopes that maybe inspiration will hit and I'll pick them back up.

Mostly it's because of two reasons. 1) I usually re-read the last blog I did before writing a new one and the last thing I want to do is re-read my last blog. I miss Bandit enough without reminding myself how shredded I was the day we had to say good bye. Hell, just writing that is making me sob...so hang on while I do that...

The other reason? My diabetes is in shit control right now and I'm ashamed of it. I've been eating poorly, my Garmin has reset my step goal to less than 5000 steps because of how little I move around, and even though I'm trying to work with someone from Medtronic on revising all of my pump settings, it's been difficult to connect with her and my blood sugars are paying for it. Don't believe me? Look!

The gray area below all that yellow and above that red line is where my blood sugars are supposed to be. I basically feel like shit all the time and am giving myself copious amounts of insulin for what appears to be no reason at all. And no, I can't really understand all of that either. I just know it's bad.

I don't blame anyone but myself for this. I know, I could blame any number of people or scenarios or things, but let's be real, okay? It's my damn fault these numbers are this way. I don't count carbs, I don't use the bolus wizard, and I don't hound the Medtronic employee when she doesn't get back to me after two weeks of waiting. It's my fault.

I had an endocrinologist appointment this month but I had to reschedule it, so I now have a month to get myself back on track. I have not fallen off of the wagon. I jumped off, chased fairies into the forest, and have spent the last several months eating the leftovers of the witch's gingerbread house now that Hansel and Gretel took care of her. It's time for me to shake this off and take care of myself and fix this mess I've made of my health.

#BetterOffTed

Which is easy to say but not do. I know this, because I've said it many, many times before. I've said it in this blog. I've said it to my doctor. I've said it to myself in the mirror with conviction, even. But when the time comes for me to roll my butt out of bed and spend ten minutes on the exercise bike before I get our son up and ready for school...

Hell, I should be on the damn bike right now, but instead I'm sitting here trying to be clever. I mean, I could do any ONE of the things that I need to do and I would see improvement.

• Use the bolus wizard so I am giving the appropriate amount of insulin when I eat.
• Eat healthier foods, and lay off the cookies.
• Get up twenty minutes earlier and exercise.
• Email the pump specialist and see if we can't lock down a time to chat.
• Get up and walk around the building during my breaks at work.
• Take breaks at work, for that matter.

Any one of them would make a difference. Right? I don't have to do all of them at once...