Back to Life

Hey. It's been awhile. Part of that is because I never seem to have the time or energy to write these days, though the itch has been growing and I've been opening up stagnant stories in the hopes that maybe inspiration will hit and I'll pick them back up.

Mostly it's because of two reasons. 1) I usually re-read the last blog I did before writing a new one and the last thing I want to do is re-read my last blog. I miss Bandit enough without reminding myself how shredded I was the day we had to say good bye. Hell, just writing that is making me sob...so hang on while I do that...

The other reason? My diabetes is in shit control right now and I'm ashamed of it. I've been eating poorly, my Garmin has reset my step goal to less than 5000 steps because of how little I move around, and even though I'm trying to work with someone from Medtronic on revising all of my pump settings, it's been difficult to connect with her and my blood sugars are paying for it. Don't believe me? Look!

The gray area below all that yellow and above that red line is where my blood sugars are supposed to be. I basically feel like shit all the time and am giving myself copious amounts of insulin for what appears to be no reason at all. And no, I can't really understand all of that either. I just know it's bad.

I don't blame anyone but myself for this. I know, I could blame any number of people or scenarios or things, but let's be real, okay? It's my damn fault these numbers are this way. I don't count carbs, I don't use the bolus wizard, and I don't hound the Medtronic employee when she doesn't get back to me after two weeks of waiting. It's my fault.

I had an endocrinologist appointment this month but I had to reschedule it, so I now have a month to get myself back on track. I have not fallen off of the wagon. I jumped off, chased fairies into the forest, and have spent the last several months eating the leftovers of the witch's gingerbread house now that Hansel and Gretel took care of her. It's time for me to shake this off and take care of myself and fix this mess I've made of my health.

#BetterOffTed

Which is easy to say but not do. I know this, because I've said it many, many times before. I've said it in this blog. I've said it to my doctor. I've said it to myself in the mirror with conviction, even. But when the time comes for me to roll my butt out of bed and spend ten minutes on the exercise bike before I get our son up and ready for school...

Hell, I should be on the damn bike right now, but instead I'm sitting here trying to be clever. I mean, I could do any ONE of the things that I need to do and I would see improvement.

• Use the bolus wizard so I am giving the appropriate amount of insulin when I eat.
• Eat healthier foods, and lay off the cookies.
• Get up twenty minutes earlier and exercise.
• Email the pump specialist and see if we can't lock down a time to chat.
• Get up and walk around the building during my breaks at work.
• Take breaks at work, for that matter.

Any one of them would make a difference. Right? I don't have to do all of them at once...