It's been over a year since I've blogged, and really, I have no excuse for this...I have several excuses.
I'm tired.
I feel completely drained.
I have a LOT going on in my life on both a personal and professional front.
I haven't felt like writing.
I know, it's not like it takes much to write a blog, and I could have carved out a few minutes here and there at several points during the last year, but sometimes a person needs a break to deal with things.
So, in the interest of moving forward without confusion, here's what's been going on in my life that is really relevant to this blog:
I still have diabetes.
Shocker, right? But this is a blog about living with diabetes, and I'm not about to sum up an entire year when the basic fact is I've still got it. I've also got depression, stress, worry, anxiety, bitterness, hopefulness, love, inspiration, regret, and a myriad of other things going on, which is why I've been in therapy every other week for the last year, too.
And, big confession, I'm not taking care of myself as well as I should be.
I know, your mind is blown.
And I have a bunch of excuses for that, too. I'm an excuse making machine. Bottom line is I'm taking care of a lot of other people right now and don't really include myself in it, which will get me yelled at when some people read this. I can blame the pump (and have, multiple times) but the sensors don't work right and the settings give me "NO DELIVERY" alarms not because of faulty manufacturing (at least not all of the time) but because after fifteen years I have enough scar tissue built up in my stomach to make a sequel to Scarface. I am too tired in the middle of the night to get up and program the thing when it beeps at me. I'm too lazy to really count my carbs. And I'm too depressed to not eat the chocolate-cookies-cheese-box of crackers.
So why blog about this? Because I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks, and I am tired of her always trying to get me to use the latest thing (inhalable insulin? Sure, why not?) in a misguided attempt to get my A1c under control. It probably makes me sound like an addict, but I could control it any time I wanted to. And I don't. I don't want to deal with it when I have a bunch of other crap I have to deal with. The other crap I have to deal with is in many cases temporary. It may be around for a few years, even, but still. There's a light at the end of that tunnel. The diabetes will still be there.
And before anyone starts madly typing "you need to take care of yourself before you end up with complications" comments, please. I know this. I know that I have to take care of myself. I'm literally telling you I don't want to right now. My major issue health wise this last year has not been this dumb disease that I have been saddled with for almost all of my life. It's been my mental health. The reason I'm saying this is I have a fantastic support system of friends and family that would do anything to help me, and I still feel like Bilbo.
The thing is, if I was really not taking care of myself at all I wouldn't even put the sensors on, and I wouldn't bother bolusing when I eat, and instead of putting on ten pounds in the last few months I'd be back at my diabetic anorexic size 10 self. I wouldn't be on antidepressants. I wouldn't be going to see a counselor every other week. I wouldn't be forcing myself to get out of bed, listen to my anthem*, read parenting books so I could be a better mom to my son and not fight with him all the time (which adds to my depression), be more involved in work things outside of work, or- dare I say it- be in here writing a blog, which is such a huge release for me. Just stream of consciousness writing like this is actually making me feel better....and for the record, while I was writing this I paused to program my pump when it said to do so.
Calling that one a win.
*anthem:
