New...and not so new

I don't particularly go for the "new year" stuff. I mean, technically it's just another day and the whole "new year" thing is an arbitrary date decided on by people hundreds of years ago. The whole reason we have April Fools' Day is that some people didn't think starting the new year in the middle of winter was a great idea so they stuck with celebrating it in the spring- you know, when everything in nature renews. You know, technically that makes a lot more sense when you think about it. Who's really the fool?

When I was a kid staying up until midnight on New Year's Eve was exciting- kind of like watching SNL was. Now staying up until midnight is still like SNL...meh. It was better when I was a kid. It's particularly not that great when The Toddler wakes up at 1 am and you just finally fell asleep.

The last time I made a new year's resolution I kept it. The resolution was to not make any more new year's resolutions. They really set people up for failure, don't they? And it doesn't really matter what time of the year you make them, either. Take, for example, my last trip to the endo, which was in November. My cholesterol was up- significantly. My HbA1C was in the mid 7's and up from the visit I'd had over the summer. My doctor was not impressed to say the least, and threatened to put me on cholesterol meds if I didn't start exercising and eating better. So I "resolved" to do that.

Um, riiiiight.

Thanksgiving...Christmas...New Year's...we're talking holiday binge time and I'm supposed to be taking better care of myself? I figured okay, I'll do five minutes on the stationary bike a day and try to avoid things like cheese and red meat until after the holidays and then kick things into high gear...

Sounds like a fairy tale to me...

Fact is, I'm just lazy and didn't want to do it, and it's 10:15 am on the first day of 2016 and my stationary bike is still covered in dust from 2014. And my eating habits have not been even remotely stellar. I had cookies for lunch yesterday. Worse still...I caught myself doing it again.

There are some things that can happen to a person subconsciously, and one of those things is "bad habits." Bad habits are easy to pick up and not easy to get rid of, and even when you think you've kicked them they can still creep up on you. In my case, my bad habit is not giving insulin purposely so that what I eat doesn't stick to my hips. It's a habit I had a long time ago and thought I had kicked a long time ago. There's even a catchy name for it: diabulimia. 

I noticed in November that I was eating poorly, sitting a lot, and still not gaining weight. I was actually losing a little. And then I realized I hadn't been changing my pump setting as often as I should have been. And while math isn't my best subject, I added two and two and got four pretty quickly. I actually caught myself justifying in my head skipping a bolus so I wouldn't have to feel guilty over that third slice of pizza one night. That was a wake up call.

There was a reason I was rail thin in high school and looked like I was a stick- I was a stick. A stick that didn't give herself insulin so that donut she had for breakfast wouldn't stick around long enough to give her curves- or, God forbid, more stretch marks (thanks for those, puberty). Seriously. I couldn't even fill out my prom dress because there wasn't enough meat on me to do it. Look:

I was also decades ahead of the vampire look. Take that, Bella.

This is an improvement over the year before, by the way. My homecoming picture makes me look like I'd never eaten anything and my hair was literally twice the size of my body (it was the 90's, shut up). I'm a little surprised no one ever said anything to me, but then again, why would they? They saw me eat all the time!

Kate Moss is famously quoted as saying this:

She has apparently never had a cupcake, or a milkshake, or mashed potatoes. I can't imagine skinny feeling good because even when I was skinny I felt awful. Jesus, my HbA1c at the time was 13! Do you know what that means? I had sludge running through my veins instead of blood. I was cranky and tired most of the time. And I still didn't think I was skinny enough. I was 5'11" and wearing a size 10!

The scary thing is, though, that part of me wishes I was still a 10. I look at that prom picture up there and think, Damn. Why can't I be that skinny anymore? And that's a dangerous thought because while I could stand to lose a few pounds I certainly don't need to lose three dress sizes. I mean, honestly, right now my chest would not fit in that dress even if the rest of me did because since that time I've acquired curves in mostly the right places, and I'm pretty fond of my curves. Mostly.

So skinny is not a good thought right now, or ever. Healthy, on the other hand, is. So thinking healthy means that instead of sitting here blogging all day, I'm going to get up off my curvy rear and go chase the Toddler around while he laughs and I start huffing and puffing trying to keep up with him. I'm going to make sure I bolus for everything I eat, and I am going to lean toward making healthier choices for meals and snacks.

And hopefully this time next year my only "resolution" will be to keep the good habits I've established this year.