Overthinking

Depression is a wretched thing. Some days I feel okay, others it takes almost nothing at all to reduce me to a blubbering mess. Sometimes it isn't even days, it's just hey this moment I'm David* Banner and the next I'm the Hulk.  In my case it's probably mostly the grieving process at work, but I've been noticing for a while now that my moods have been swinging a lot more than they used to. At least I don't turn green...

Writing used to be cathartic and now it's just a chore. Let's see how this goes.

I'm not depressed because of my diabetes. That's just life. I saw an article a day ago about a ten year old girl who had passed away at a sleepover because her blood sugar had dropped. This was something my parents were always afraid would happen, which is why I didn't spend the night at anyone's house until I was much older than ten, and even then my little sister had to come along. I had friends whose parents didn't want me to stay over because of the diabetes. As a kid I never even considered this was a thing. I had no sense of mortality. Now, I do. But even now whenever I start listing the things that are stressing me out, my diabetes isn't one of the top contenders. In fact, it's usually an after thought.

Speaking of thought, I'm an over thinker. Every comic you've ever seen where someone is lying awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about everything is me. I lie awake and I think. I can't not think. I don't know how to stop. Even when I'm asleep I'm thinking. I know this because I wake up a lot at night, and when I do I'm already in the middle of a thought...or more likely, a string of them. And not even a string...it's more like...a cloud. A brain cloud.

Lately, I just feel like my mind is spiraling out of control. I forget what I go into rooms for, can't keep track of my list of things to do, and generally walk around not sure what is going on, where I'm going, what is happening, or if I'll ever regain control of my life.

Weird thing is, I'm actually in control of most of my life. I just don't feel like it. Which kind of brings us back to depression, because I don't feel like doing anything, really, a lot of the time. I'd say I'm just lazy but I've always been lazy and this is...different.

My doctor put me on an anti-depressant, but that backfired in an epic, almost Michael Bay type way. I haven't been sick like that in a long while. It actually kind of depressed me more that this wasn't going to be an option. I've survived this long without them, though, so it really isn't that big of a loss. 

I guess the point here is that it's always something, as Gilda Radner would say, and the something may always be diabetes in the back ground but it's certainly not in the foreground most of the time. For example, the number one thing that wakes me up at night is actually my insulin pump beeping incessantly. But I never think to actually look at the screen to see why it's beeping- I just pound on the buttons until it mercifully stops beeping, at least for a little while. The diabetes is so much a part of who I am that it hardly even registers on my radar anymore. And that's kind of ironic, when you think about it. The one thing I should be thinking about, considering I think about everything all the time, and I just don't.

My theme song.

*Yes, I know in the comics and the MCU movies his name is Bruce. Bill Bixby was David and that's canon in my head so don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.