The Science Project

Had a doctor's appointment this week. My HbA1c was 7.1, which was good, but not good enough. I mean, Tom (the nurse practitioner I work with) was thrilled...but I can do better. I don't think a 7 is gold star work.

Just a reminder on what the heck I'm talkin' about.

 

I did mention the hubs and I just started to diet and exercise, right? Hopefully by my next appointment (three months) it will be down in the 6's. 6 is actually my favorite number, so anything in the 6 range will be fine. We're shootin' for a 6.3. It won't be easy, because there are some non-diabetics out there who can't even get that score, but I've done it before and dagnab it, I'm going to do it again.

 

Also in the course of discussion, which my husband was in on because he came with me this time, were all the "future" things coming for diabetics. Like insulin pumps/ CGM that talk to your Android phone and work on their own to correct highs and lows and account for food and what not. Otherwise known as a pancreas, or, in some circles, a unicorn. Husband and Tom were both really excited...me, not so much.

 

Woo. Really, I mean it.

 

 

Don't get me wrong- that would be all good once they have it all figured out. Right now you have to wear two sensors, and use three devices I don't have (different pump, different CGM, and an Android phone, which we all know no insurance is going to cover). I know they are in the very beginning test stages and we're talking years before this is even available to people like me, but that all sounds like more trouble than it's worth. Now, my husband is a gadget guy and he may also be Batman (I've never seen them together, so it's possible.) He is also more concerned with me being healthy than anyone else on the planet that I am not blood related to. For him this all sounds great, hassles aside. For me?

 

It makes me feel like a freaking science project. And I remember not liking those much.

 

Vector-clip-art

 

It's also really hard to get excited for "what's down the pipeline" when my insurance company has been less than cooperative with getting me on CGM in the first place and the companies I've worked with have been less than stellar at making the whole "out of network" thing feasible (like, here). I mean, hello? It's pretty damn obvious that CGM and the pump alone are keeping me from ending up in the HbA1c red zone up there, because donuts and Christmas cookies and Red Vines don't just eat themselves. I'm just not looking forward to the battle ahead though it would be really nice to have a working pancreas again, even if I do have to wear it in my pocket.

 

Arthur Ashe is quoted as saying, "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." I find these words pretty inspiring, because a lot of what I have to do with diabetes is pretty much that. And Walt Disney is famous for saying, "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."  I feel like I'm always trying to do that, too. I don't have much of a choice though, do I?

 

Again, Phil and Lem put it succinctly. 

 

So I will keep starting where I am, using what I have and doing what I can until some company manages to do the impossible and I get my electronic pancreas, and if I have to deal with insurance companies being a pain in the arse and having to look like Batman with devices all up in my pockets and on my belt I'll do that, too.

 

Because I have to.

 



Happy Happy Joy Joy

I woke up in a terrific mood yesterday morning.

This was before I got into my car and my phone decided it was going to play two upbeat tracks off of New Kids on the Block's first album followed by two of my favorite Maroon 5 tracks. This was before I cheerfully dropped off some prescriptions and the pharmacy staff smiled at me and said they hadn't seen me in a while. This was before I got dressed and found that I was having a really good hair day. This was before I made myself a cup of joe and sat down to do a little writing before work- and not just the usual editing something I'd written before, but actual, honest to goodness, this-is-all-new- in-my-head-I'd-better-get-it down-before-I-forget writing.

I just woke up happy.

I know what you're all thinking. She's high as a kite right now. She's never happy. But that's the thing- sometimes, I am, and even though I have to work at it, I often accomplish this more than I let on, even if it's just listening to my favorite music on the way home from work or sharing a particularly good vanilla custard milkshake with my husband at lunch. And though I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, I did spend some time trying to figure out why I woke up with a smile on my face yesterday morning. I think I have it figured out.

I slept Tuesday night. I was not tired all day yesterday (at least, not as tired as I usually am.) The hubs and I have been working on changing our diets and getting some exercise every day. We went for a walk Tuesday night, had some healthy snacks, watched The Voice and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and went to bed, and I actually slept. Of course, I certainly didn't sleep because I had worked off nervous energy walking around our neighborhood  or because I had an apple and some peanut butter a couple hours before bed. No, I slept because my CGM sensor ended Tuesday afternoon, and rather than start a new one right before bed I waited until Wednesday morning, thereby assuring that I would not be kept up all night by incessant beeping.

My hubs will not be pleased to hear this (sorry honey) but the nights I don't have my sensor on because I'm changing the setting the next morning are my favorites. I know it is partially my fault that the insulin pump goes off fifty three times a night- I have my high alert set too low and my low alert set too high, and unless my blood sugar stays steadily between 90 and 160 all night it is inevitably going to beep. I could change the high alert to be a little higher and the low alert to be a little lower, but my goal is to keep my blood sugar within that limited range and changing it is only going to make that much harder for me during my waking hours. Also, I don't think that would stop it.

Just like nothing can stop Agent Coulson.

I appreciate that those alerts are there for a reason, but let's be honest. If someone woke you up every half an hour, or even every hour between when your head hit the pillow and your alarm clock went off, you'd want to punch them in the neck with studded gloves. Sure, this might be what it's like to have a baby, only eventually the baby should grow out of it and I'm pretty sure the pump will just keep beeping at me until I acknowledge it. I am, however, able to turn the damn thing off every once in a while, and that is a nice thing because this disease isn't one you can ignore for any length of time, or take a vacation from. What disease is? I can't get a break from the diabetes, but I can at least get a break from the beeping.

And when I do get a break, I get a good night's sleep for the first time in six days, and I can wake up feeling motivated and happy and energized. Lack of sleep is not a good thing, people. It makes your brain slower, your reaction times slower, your attitude cranky and your whole outlook on life a little shadier. A well rested mind and body doesn't get ill as much as a sleep deprived mind and body. Being well rested helps you deal with stress. Sleep is a good thing. I'm a big fan of it.

Though...strangely...I woke up in a good mood this morning, too, and I had my sensor on last night. It only woke me up once, though, so maybe my hypothesis still holds water. I guess we'll have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow morning. 

Following in your owner's footsteps is no way to go through life, puppy

So, in my quest to be more positive, the road I've taken had proven to be paved with multiple challenges, one of which is the fact that when using Internet Explorer I am unable to load pictures into my Google blog without resetting everything according to my husband's instructions. This last weekend has proven to be a bigger challenge than even Internet Explorer.

Let's set the stage...

This is Bandit:

Bandit is our half Pug, half Labrador Lug. He's 13 years old, loves people food, and takes full possession of the bed whenever he can, even if we humans are in it. He is one of the sweetest and most adorable dogs I've ever seen. And Friday night he scared the tuna salad out of us.

If you haven't heard of ODV and you are a dog owner, take a moment to acquaint yourself with it now. If you don't want to take the time to read the article, ODV is Old Dog Vestibular disease and it looks like your dog is having a stroke. Stand in one place, spin around until you are so dizzy you almost can't stand, and then try to walk in a straight line and you get an idea of what a dog feels when he suffers through this. There's not much of a treatment for it other than giving them something to quell their upset stomach and then...wait.

Unfortunately, neither my husband nor I had ever heard of this so Friday night I was sure that we were going to have to put my baby down, and I was a hot mess. The emergency vet gave us three possible diagnoses (in worst case scenario to best case scenario order): Brain tumor, encephalitis, ODV. If it wasn't ODV then we were looking at losing him, and I was not ready to hear this.

Very long story short, a bunch of Xrays and blood work and $1000 later we had a rather impressed vet telling us that Bandit was in remarkably good shape, all things considered. His x-rays looked really good, and all of his blood work was in a normal range....except his blood glucose, which was 199, and waaaaaay out of the normal range for a dog.

On one hand, relief that my dog is going to be okay. On the other? Oh shit my poor dog might have diabetes. I can't even get him to take pills without wrapping them in cheese- how the hell am I going to give him shots????

We made an appointment with his regular vet a couple days later and much to my relief his blood sugar was normal, and we chalked the high up to stress from not being able to see straight and throwing up every five minutes. Still, it got me thinking about what would happen if we had kids or one of the dogs did eventually end up a diabetic. Would I be the ideal person to take care of that? I mean, when my mom was handing carb counting and insulin and everything I was in the best shape of my life, and as soon as I took over I was on the fast track to complication town. I'm still trying to break bad habits I acquired in high school. I am doing better with taking care of myself, but add in a little stress and I'm eating donuts for breakfast. And I really don't have the hang of bolusing yet, though, to be fair, I don't think anyone does.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you bolus completely wrong and don't know why

I think I would do well taking care of someone else, though. I understand better than anyone without diabetes would, that's for sure. And I'm pretty up on the tricks you can use to make it look like you're taking care of yourself when you're really not. I can also see that while I cut corners with myself, I wouldn't with my kid, or even my dog. Hell, it might even make me take better care of myself to set a good example. Plus, if I'm going to be carb counting for someone else, I may as well do it for me, too. Right?

On a far more serious note, while I was freaking out over my dog two people I knew through other people ended their lives by choice. I don't know what was going on in their minds, and I don't know what all was going on in their lives, but I do know that suicide doesn't end your pain- it just transfers it to someone else. So if you are depressed, or if you know someone who is, just do a quick Bing or Google or Yahoo search and call for help. Please.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

And....I Forget

I had a great idea for a blog post ten minutes ago in the bedroom...and now it's gone. Oh, well. I'll try a little free-flow writing and see if my brain can end up there again.

I made myself a promise that I would try to be more positive and let go of my hate this year. I would say anger, because that's more what I need to let go of since I don't really hate, but anger can be a good emotion and frankly, mine isn't going anywhere. I'd also say resolution instead of promise, but I stopped making those years ago. Resolutions most people don't keep, and while a lot of them don't keep promises, either, I'm much more likely to keep a promise.

Of course, Google Blogger isn't letting me load pictures and I just cast my laptop aside with an "I hate you," so clearly this is going to be a challenge for me.

Getting back to the topic at hand, I made a promise to be more positive, but you can't just flip a switch and go from being the person who professed extreme dislike for Barbara Streisand because of so many legitimate reasons to being a person who can sit and listen to her music...especially when the reasons to dislike still seem so legit. But honestly, is Babs feeling the sting of my ire? Hell no. The woman doesn't even know I exist and she wouldn't give a tuppence if she did. The only person I'm hurting is myself carrying around all that negativity. So I need to stop that.

I need to laugh more. I need to listen to happier music. I need to rant less and let go of my negativity because I'm too stressed.

 

Well, that's happy music and makes me laugh. Check and Check!

                         
I know I've touched on this before, but I'm a bit of a negative person. I see the best in people, usually, until I get to know them and they start to annoy me (lol), but I almost always see the worst in situations. I immediately think, "This can't be done because of X,Y, and Z" instead of  thinking, "This could totally be possible if A, B and C!" I try to think the latter, and if I'm consciously thinking about it I do, but...Geez is this hard. Changing the way you think isn't easy. The fact that I am actively trying to change should say a lot about me, at least. I see something about myself I don't like, and I am trying to improve myself.

Which miraculously made my brain remember what I was going to write about in the first place. Woohoo!

My diabetes (no, I didn't forget that this is a blog about living with diabetes. I'm not that old!) has of late been kind of borderline. I'm not doing bad, but I'm not doing good. What is that? Fair? I'm doing fair with it. And fair is frankly not good enough for me. I'm also over weight and I need to lose somewhere between 20 and 30 pounds before I won't actively fantasize about destroying my bathroom scale with a baseball bat a la Office Space.

A great way to get rid of stress!

Now before you all jump into the comments and tell me I look fine or great or I'm beautiful and shouldn't buy into skinny jeans, do me a favor and shut up. I appreciate that I probably don't look as bad as I think I do, but telling me so is doing a whole lot of nothing for me. I need to lose weight. I need to be in better shape. My health is affected by the extra weight I carry around. So telling me I'm not fat isn't helping me because frankly if I start to believe it I won't do anything about the weight I have gained.  Eating less, eating right and exercising 3-5 times a week- these are my goals, and I am not doing it because I want to fit into smaller jeans (that's a lie), I'm doing it because I want to be healthy (which is true). So, strangely, in this case, I think being negative is going to produce a positive.

And now we've come full circle, and I seriously didn't even plan that. Bam!

On the Road Again...

Star Wars; The Old Republic is slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwlllllllllyyyyyyy updating again, so if it's not using up every inch of bandwidth my computer has access to I may be able to get a blog in here...

Happy 2014 everyone. I hope it turns out to be a good year for you in most respects. I know it won't be perfect, but hopefully the good will far outweigh the bad.

I've got fewer travels lined up so far this year than I did last year. I'll be heading to Philadelphia here in a couple days for a conference. I've never been, and I expect it will be cold. If I can survive Boston in January I should be able to survive Philly. Chowdah versus Cheesesteak, fight!

Union Oyster House. Chowdah has the advantage right now.

Our annual conference this year, which is always in June, will actually be here at home, so that's one less plane (or two, actually, since I'd need to be on one there and one back) I'll have to get on. My husband's little brother will be graduating from high school in June, though, so I'm not totally off the hook for travel. We're thinking of driving and making it a little mini vacay-  very mini vacay since they are a two day drive away....which is also about the amount of time this stinking game update is taking.

Anyway, I am rambling about this because for work right now we are in the early process of planning our summer programming. Summer. It's due to our marketing department at the beginning of March. We literally just approved the Spring calendar, which covers March, April and May, last week! I know the reasons behind this shortened time line and I am not really complaining...well I am, but not as much as I would if I didn't know the legitimate reasons behind why I'm now having to plan things out six months from now in my personal life so I can plan my work life around that.

My problem with this is that I hate planning that far into the future. Nothing ever goes right- or at least nothing goes the way you want it to. This staff person resigns, this program gets cancelled, this relative gets sick and you have to fly to Abu Dhabi to make sure they are okay- shit happens, as the saying goes. And when I plan things I freak when they don't go as planned. Every little thing either needs to go exactly as planned or I've got to go into it flying by the seat of my pants with nothing to guide me. I've got issues.

 

For instance, I find this hilarious....

And take my plans for Philadelphia. I was a smarty pants and booked my hotel and air fare back in October. I was all set...and then about two weeks ago I realized that a meeting I thought I didn't have to attend I actually have to attend, and it was ending at the same time that I was arriving. I went back to the website I used to book the flights, realized it would cost me more to change or cancel that flight than it would to just book a one-way the day before, and am now filled with concern that I may have inadvertently screwed up my return trip because I won't be flying out on the flight that I don't want to spend the money to cancel.

And now you see how my mind works. Kind of like a Rube Goldberg device.

Or a more like a Wakko Warner Gizmo.

 



I'll try calling the airlines tomorrow to confirm the flights that I want for sure and cross my fingers that the weather doesn't screw everything up anyway. At least I have two days off after the conference is over in case I can't make it back in time, which is something I am trying not to think about. It's bad enough I have airport security to look forward to with all my pump and sensor supplies to tote around on the plane without adding that in to the mix. I've got enough to worry about!

And here's a final thought of wisdom for you: a watched game update never, ever finishes downloading. Ever.

'Tis the Season to be fat and happy

Merry Christmas!

I know I tend to get a little negative here, and vent a lot about things, and I also know that Thanksgiving was last month and to do a blog about things that I am thankful for is a little late, but you know what? I'm much more thankful for things at Christmas than I am at Thanksgiving.

Things I am thankful for, 2013:

1. My family.
1.5. My dogs
2. My friends.
3. Love eternal.
4. Wibbly- wobbly, timey-wimey.
5. Music.
6. Life.

Let's break it down a little.

1. My family. I don't just mean my immediate family, like my husband and siblings and parents. I mean my cousins, and aunts and uncles. I mean my in-laws. I mean family members I don't even think about until I get out my Christmas card list and see them on it (admittedly, there are a couple, and no I am not naming names.) I haven't really been close to my extended family because I've always lived three thousand miles away from most of them, but I really am thankful for them. Family is important, and even though they are the people who are most likely to drive you crazy, they are also the people you are most likely to have things in common with, the people who are closer to you genetically than a stranger on the street, and the people who just might message you on Facebook when you're having a shit day to let you know that even though you're not close, you're family, and if you need to talk they're there to listen.

1.5 My dogs. I put them here in the middle because to me they are family, but I know not everyone gets that. Besides, they're more than family, too. They're protectors, they're children, they're best friends. My dogs are always following me around the house like an entourage. If I'm upset and crying they are all of them trying to lick my face and make me happy. They love me unconditionally and I feel the same way about them.

Besides, they're adorable!

 

2. My friends. I would be lost without my friends. I have friends all over the world, friends I email daily, and friends I visit with whenever I get to be in their neck of the woods. I have good friends that are more like family from Seattle all the way to England. I have friends I've known since I was in elementary school, friends who grew up in the same neighborhood, and friends I've not even met in "real life." All of them are important to me. There's a line that has always stuck with me in the song "Thankful Heart" from The Muppet Christmas Carol- "And if you need to know the measure of a man, you simply count his friends." I have a lot of friends. I may not have a lot of them close by, but I have a lot of friends, people who I have seen come together in a common purpose to do amazing things for one another, people who have gone out of their way to pick me up at the airport or change their schedules so they could see me, people who have taken me into their homes and let me stay for the weekend- you know. Friends.

 

3. Love eternal. For some of you this makes perfect sense, others need an explanation, and the only one you're going to get is this: It's a Blockhead thing.

 

Sometimes being called a Blockhead is a compliment.

 

 

4. Wibbly- wobbly, timey-wimey.

 

Technical.

 

So, for those of you who don't watch Doctor Who, you should. Not because it's excellent Sci-Fi about a Time Lord who travels through space and time with mostly Earthling companions saving the universe over and over again with a bit of whimsy and a lot of intelligence (even though it's all of those things) but because there is nothing that gives you as much hope as the thought that a brilliant and amazing alien sees so much potential and good in mankind that he continues to save us from decimation again and again. If The Doctor thinks we're worth saving, then maybe we should think the same.

 

The Doctor.

 

 

5. Music. I pretty much can't live without it. I haven't listened to a lot of it today and I can tell you I've been a lot quicker to snap over things than I would if I'd had music playing in the background. I love all kinds of music- you already know I love New Kids on the Block and Maroon 5, but I'm also a fan of Puccini, The Beatles, Bing Crosby, the Monkees, Brad Paisley, The Carpenters, musicals, Aerosmith and Eddie Daniels (he's a jazz clarinet player.) My tastes are varied (much like my taste in movies) and while I tend to spend most of my time listening to pop music, there are days when I need to listen to country, or I need to put on classical and just mellow out. And my all time favorite song?

 

Words and Music by Jeff Moss

 

6. Life. If you're not thankful for your life, even if it's full of senseless crap like there being no way to stop your hated Google+ account that you almost never use from being connected to YouTube even though YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS and WOULD OPT OUT IF GOOGLE WERE NOT STUPID AND ACTUALLY GAVE YOU A CHOICE (like I could get through a blog without a rant?), then frankly, you're missing the bigger picture. That we exist at all is incredible. Whether a higher being or dumb luck created life as we know it on this planet is irrelevant- we exist. And while the universe may not give a damn about that, we should. Yes, I have diabetes. Yes, I feel like ick right now because I need to lose a few pounds and my blood sugar is 207 and climbing. But I'm alive. I'm alive and so are you, to quote Bill Murray in Scrooged.  And holy crap that is amazing.





Musings

I'm waiting for Star Wars: The Old Republic to finish updating...considering how long it seems to be taking, and the fact that Pinterest doesn't want to work for me, I thought I'd blog. Of course, Google is being a pain in the butt and the Blogger site isn't working as it should, either, so maybe this will be a loss too.

Sorry if I'm a little downer today, but I'm still reeling from Paul Walker's death, which undoubtedly you've heard about even if you're not a fan because it's pretty much a given that if a guy who was in the "Fast and Furious" franchise dies in a car accident, the news media is going to have a field day writing about it. Frankly, this is only adding to and not the lone source of my melancholy, but it's one of those things that just reminds you life is short and those you love may not be here tomorrow, or even later tonight, and it's making me upset because it is one more thing I have absolutely zero control over. I'm not as upset about Paul Walker as I am from thinking that it could be my husband wrapped around a tree someday, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop that from happening... I hate when I get the mean reds like this. Holly Golightly could swing by Tiffany's, but my go-to happy place isn't somewhere you can just visit for free.

Though it is really pretty at Christmastime...

I know I've been dealing with depression stuff, and I don't always put in here what's making me depressed (because some things aren't relevant or I just don't want to share), but something about this last few months has been gettin' me down. It's kind of funny, actually, because my husband told me today one of our co-workers has a handout from a "motivational" presentation I did a couple months ago hanging at her desk, and she thinks it's awesome and she looks at it everyday for inspiration. I'm way flattered, and glad to know that "do as I say don't do as I do" still works, because lately I'll just start to cry at the drop of a hat.

I feel a little overwhelmed is all. We'll get through it.

On another note, and totally switching gears, I realized the other day just how much waste I produce. Not that we don't recycle (we do), and not that I don't try to reuse things (I do), but diabetes wise...there's a lot. I mean, I knew the blood testing strips and things added up, but then I changed my pump setting at the same time that I changed my CGM sensor setting...and just wow.

I didn't think to take a picture until after I'd thrown a bunch away, too.

That's a wet erase marker in the upper left hand corner. Typical pen size, about five inches long. All of that is medical garbage. Plastic pouches, needles, alcohol wipes, old settings...every six days I toss out that much trash. Every three days it's half of that. And this doesn't include the test strips for every blood test I do (2-3 a day), the tissues I throw out that I use to stop my poor stabbed fingers from bleeding, or the empty test strip bottles, the boxes that the pump and CGM supplies come in, or the boxes that those boxes come in. It's a massive amount of non-reusable garbage that I throw away every single day.

It just kind of blew my mind. I mean, multiply this out by the number of years I've been using the pump (pushing ten) and the number of years I've been using CGM therapy (I think two? Not sure anymore), and then add in all the years yet to come...holy crap! And the thousands and thousands of needles I used before this? And the thousands and thousands of test strips and alcohol wipes I've gone through?

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and he wasn't too broken up over my HbA1c...it was a 7.2, which I know is relatively good but for me feels like utter failure. That is definitely adding to my melancholy. I know I can do better. The rest of my blood work was good, too. Cholesterol is down, blood pressure okay...Even when I skip out on exercise, eating right, and using the CGM I end up doing all right. Which only goes to prove I can do better if I actually try. And of course I want to try right in the middle of Christmas. (It's like I'm setting myself up for failure. Eesh.)

Anyway, that's my musings for you. I start off thinking one thing and then the mind wanders someplace else entirely. Star Wars finally finished updating and it only took an hour. Now I don't even feel like playing, but if I don't then it will be a little like I wasted an hour...of course I won't have to update the next time I play, so there's that. And I did get a blog written, even though Google was trying to thwart me at every turn. Which means, in spite of my negativity this evening...

Carla wins.