This may be one of the truest things I've ever heard/ read. For those of you who don't know who Chris Crutcher is, he's an author of young adult books that are often banned for being too real to life for some parents to feel comfortable letting other people's kids read them. He's also a really nice guy with years of experience counseling troubled teens, and this quote is from a graduation keynote speech he gave this year. And boy is he right on the money with this. In fact, he has me pegged pretty well. I spend my life feeling bad.
I want to be perfect. I want to have no debt, always have a showroom clean house, never make a mistake at work, and always have my blood sugar be between 80 and 120. And none of those damn things ever happens.
I have debt- we all do, and the sooner I accept that I'm always going to owe someone money the less stressed out I'm gonna be. My house was showroom clean once...then I moved into it and brought all my stuff with me. I'm a packrat, and I can't seem to ever throw anything away, and my house doesn't grow in proportion to how much stuff I have. As for work, sometimes just going is a mistake. Don't get me wrong, I like my job, but today is one of those days where every little thing is making me angry and frustrated, and when you work with kids and you have no patience, it's better to stay home and watch cartoons.
Currently I'm trying to get through Saiyuki, which is awesome.
As for the diabetes... well, you all know how well that goes. Lately it seems like the harder I try the worse it gets. And the fact that I've come to appreciate a beer after work to help me relax doesn't help, because alcohol does weird things to blood sugars, even if you're not getting drunk. I have started on the exercise bike again, so that's a good thing, at least. A half an hour on that thing with Saiyuki on the TV goes by pretty quick. It also helps with the depression, which has been getting to me of late.
Usually writing takes care of that for me. I get depressed, I get on the computer, open Word, and two or three scenes in a story later I'm feeling better. I created something. I focused my energies in a positive direction. I did not sit there and watch "Oklahoma" for the one thousandth time while eating another Twinkie.
I actually prefer these.
Lately though, writing isn't coming as easy as it used to. And it's not helping me even when it does. Of course, neither does drinking a seasonal Sam Addams and eating greasy little snack cakes. The bike does help, so who knows...maybe I'll get in shape after all.
I am not perfect. I am as flawed as they come, yet I still keep trying to reach that pinnacle of excellence known as perfection, which Chris Crutcher is so right to have pointed out is not gonna happen. Hell, even Jesus had a bad day at the temple, right? So why am I stressing myself out over this? Why can't I look at a model in a magazine and see her for the Photoshopped mythical creature she actually is? Why can't I just be happy being the best I can be? Why do I set goals for myself that cannot be achieved?
Damned if I know. Hand me a Sam Addams and a Twinkie. It's time for cartoons.
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