What the hell am I doing???
Don't get me wrong- Baby is adorable. And he's a good baby- rarely cries, is happy a lot. And so far I think I'm handing the feeding-diapering- being spit up on thing okay. But the honest truth is that I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to do this for the rest of my life at this rate. I'm completely overextended. And I know, I know, everyone is telling me it's rewarding and I'll get used to it and everyone feels overwhelmed at first...but I don't think that's really my issue.
Bandit has been getting sicker the past few weeks- lots of whining, trouble walking, and on even more meds than me. My husband has had a migraine since the day Baby came into our lives and even though he's the rock I'm leaning against he feels like he's not doing enough. Shiva and Rosabel are both visibly needier and have changed some of their behaviors. I've missed almost a week of work and we've been trying to get daycare and pediatrician visits and birth parent visits scheduled in a week. And if I've eaten 1000 calories a day since last Monday I'll be surprised. And maybe it's that way for everyone when a new baby comes into their life.
But I'm a diabetic, and right now I'm last on the care scale. Baby, husband, dogs, work, me. And I know I'm not going to be able to keep this up because I'm tired, and my blood sugars have been low, and I'm losing weight (yay!) but in a bad way (boo!) I honestly don't know what I'd do without my husband and my mom. Single mothers? You're ranked above the police and fire fighters in my hero book right now.
Aaaand, Baby has been awake for this whole thing, but has been really good while I've been freaking out about the dog (who is going to the vet) and sitting here looking like a snotty, sobby mess. So it's time to go and probably change him, probably feed him, and maybe we'll read a book. Star Wars ABC is around here someplace.
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