The Care and Keeping of Carla...probably needs to be reevaluated...

Please forgive any spelling errors...I've got a wicked cool new keyboard that I am still getting used to and anyone who tells you they are all set up the same is quite simply wrong.

Mine lights up, for starters...

I know I've probably mentioned this before, but ever since the husband and I started fostering the Baby (whom we must now refer to as the Toddler because oh my lord do they grow up fast), the care and keeping of myself has sort of taken a back seat to everything else.

Bandit needs insulin. Dogs need fed. Husband needs to know where his wallet, phone and keys are. Baby- sorry Toddler- needs changed, and fed, and now one of our other dogs is giving me cause to worry. Before you ask, I've already had her checked for diabetes, and it's not that. I'm a boss at work (which I suppose could be taken more than one way and is true basically no matter how you interpret that, haha) so I've got work plans and staff issues and projects and other things that I deal with on a daily basis. 

Now, I know that all of this stuff is important but there is plenty of time in the day to make sure I eat, and check my blood sugar if needed, and I can take a few minutes during the day to make sure I'm alright. Usually I do. It's the bigger stuff I seem to be ignoring.

Nothing to see here...move along.

Fact of the matter is, I need to make an eye appointment because I'm over due and I know I need new glasses. I have trouble seeing with the ones I have sometimes because I opted to get new sunglasses last year and used up my insurance on that. (New frames every two years, new lenses ever year as long as they have no "additions" like, oh, I don't know...UV protection. Great plan. It's almost like not having one at all.) I also should probably go see that retina specialist again to make sure my diabetic retinopathy isn't worse.

I have an appointment next week to get an ultra sound and another thing done, and rather than give TMI I'll just say it's not on my thyroid...though now that I'm thinking about it I was supposed to get that ultra-sounded before my next endocrinologist appointment. I think. They never called and I don't even remember the last time I was at the endo, so at this point maybe I'll just forget it again. 

Also, my throat is sore but if you think I'm staying home from work tomorrow because of it you don't know me very well. For one thing, story time doesn't do itself, and for another, a little Aleve and some Halls Defense and I'll be fine.

No no no. We're not there yet.

Maybe these aren't really BIG things, but they are a few larger than average things that have started to add up, and between Toddler's birth parent visits on our weekends and the fact that I hate to take off of work for any reason if I can schedule something on a day I don't work, my free time is pretty booked already. Plus, I don't want to spend one of the days I have off to spend with the Toddler sitting in a doctor's office...now, sitting in a Doctor's TARDIS would be something completely different. Then I'd have all the time in the universe.

But I don't. So grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, and whatever else comes up usually take precedence over calling my endocrinologist to get that ultra sound on my thyroid done (which I don't think needs to be done because it's been done before and nothing at all in my blood work or how I feel or anything has changed since he did it umpteen years ago.  It's just he has a new Physician's Assistant who won't take my word or my file's word for it. I don't want to go take some expensive health tests that don't need to be done, and will probably cost me money, and will definitely cost me time, and get off my lawn.)

A heroine of children's literature.

Eventually I will get around to dealing with all of this and I'm sure all will be fine. I just need to take a moment or two out of my lunch or on a break and call to make whatever appointments I can, and then schedule out over a few weeks so I don't overbook myself. And I will get each thing on my list taken care of...except maybe that thyroid ultra sound. That's dumb.

Growing Up...I'm against it.

As I sit here in my living room this morning with BabyFirst TV playing silently as Baby sleeps, I find I have come to a decision.

I was never a big Will and Grace fan, but this picture my husband put on my Facebook page today accurately sums up how I've been feeling the last two weeks. Being an adult is hard. It's sometimes fun because you have the money and the decision making power, but it will never be as good as being a kid was. Speaking of kids, I went to see New Kids on the Block less than a week ago and for two glorious hours I was 12 again. I was singing along, and dancing, and screaming, and laughing, and the weight of everything in my life that has been pressing down on me was just gone for two straight hours. It really was like being 12 again.

I miss being 12.

When I was 12 everything was either black or white. Good or Evil. Right or Wrong. Now everything is shades of gray and Davy Jones isn't even with us anymore.

I don't like paying bills and my inbox is mostly filled with emails labeled BILLS. I don't like having to clean my house but if my husband and I don't do it no one else will. I don't like laundry or dirty dishes, but they stack up if you ignore them. Nor do I like having to stay home from work when Baby isn't feeling well, but the daycare insists that he be well when we bring him even though that's where he gets sick. I don't like going to the doctor whether it's for me or Baby or one of the dogs, but not going leads to bigger problems I don't like even more. I don't like that I'm tired most of the time because Bandit whines to get up at least four or five times a night and my pump usually beeps at me as if that's the only thing it is meant to do so I don't sleep well, even with the new mattress we got yesterday that so far has lived up to the company's promises. I guess that's what coffee is for.

Being an adult means having responsibilities. Some of those are good- like being the boss. But responsibilities can suck- also like being the boss. Sometimes I want the buck to stop on my desk, and sometimes I want it to bypass my desk entirely. Alas, you cannot always pick and choose what you are responsible for and what you can leave for someone else to deal with. 

I miss Phil and Lem

If I had no responsibilities, I could be in Disneyland right now instead of home taking a sick day. Or I could fly across the county and go see NKOTB again this summer with some of my friends instead of going to San Fran to do work stuff. Or I could sit at home all day every day and actually blog or write another book or exercise and have time to pamper myself and relax more and stress less. 

Uh oh, Baby is waking up...must type faster...

I'm not saying that being an adult is all bad, or that I'm regretting the choices I've made that have led to the responsibilities I have. I'm actually happy with my life. I'm even in pretty good shape health wise. My last HbA1c was only .1 higher than the time before and I thought I did a rotten job of taking care of myself the past four months. Overall things are good. But the dogs need their shots, I need to go to the eye doctor, my husband has been sick, Baby isn't feeling well, we have a couple BIG projects going on at work that I'm not there to deal with and my inbox is still full of bills that are due in the next couple weeks. 

I'm just saying that I need more time to be 12.

Blargh. No really.

So last night I either ate something that I shouldn't have or caught a 24 hour bug of some kind, because I was nauseated all night. All. Night. In fact, I was feeling it on my way home from work. NBD, right? Took some Pepto, watched The Voice with the hubs and took a night off of Star Wars: The Old Republic and should be right as rain in the morning. I had a lot of plans for today, too,  because I was going in to work late to make up for going to a meeting on my day off. I haven't had a haircut in months and I could use some new work clothes, but never have time to go out and do those things, so having a couple extra hours in the middle of the week would be awesome.

Future's so bright I gotta wear shades, right?

I miss Scrubs.

 

I neglected to mention that my blood sugar was low all last night, too. I can say from previous experiences that being low and nauseated at the same time is the weirdest dichotomy. You want to eat all the things at the same time you never want to eat anything again. But the hubs got some food in me and we got the baby to bed and went to sleep a little early, and I hoped that by this morning I'd feel fine.

 

Fast forward to two in the morning and I was in the bathroom throwing up all of...well, all of nothing, because there was nothing in my stomach. It was mostly bile, and all disgusting, and I hated every second of it. When I was done I felt even worse than I had before I'd woken up with that, "You know, the sooner you get your butt out of bed and get your head over the toilet the better" feeling. And of course Bandit started whining as soon as I'd managed to make it back to bed. No way was I going to take care of the dog feeling like I was so the best I could do was wake up the husband and get him to do it.

 

 

 

Long story short it was a rotten night and I got none of the things I was planning on doing today done.

 

The day after illness like this I always feel like someone punched me several times. I slept most of today and didn't go into work at all. I got up early, got the baby ready for daycare while the husband got ready for work, fed the dogs, and as soon as everyone was on their way out the door or to the food bowl I set the alarm on my phone and went to bed. I got up after an hour, gave Bandit his insulin, and went back to bed for the rest of the morning. I ate lunch, slept some more, and then the family was home and it was dinner time.

 

I've managed to keep everything I've eaten today down, but I'm still tired. I mean, I may go to bed after posting this tired. Being sick always takes so much out of me. And I'm still not sure what the hell was going on last night. If lunch made me sick I should have thrown up something, and probably before I even left work. And if it was exacerbated by orange juice and Hawaiian sweet rolls, surely those would have made a command reappearance? There was nothing, and I heaved so hard that my abs hurt when I got up this morning. I don't like not knowing.

Silver lining? I've been sleeping pretty poorly the past several weeks and today I think I started to get caught up on what I've been missing out on, so that's good. And I do feel better, so I shouldn't have any issues getting up and going in to work, where we're getting ready for new carpet and some furniture rearranging that has me way giddier than you'd expect. Also, I found that my New Kids on the Block concert tickets had arrived yesterday, in plenty of time for the show, which is so unlike GroundCtrl that I'm pretty sure it's a miracle.

So I guess I can't really complain.



Of boogers, babys and blood-tests

Yeah, it's been a while. We have a one year old living with us. Are you really surprised?

If I'm honest, thinking about diabetes has been the absolute last thing I've been doing. Do we have enough diapers? How are we on wipes? When do we start giving the baby solid foods? Does that outfit come in another size, because kids grow so fast this one won't fit in two months?

And Bandit...man, is that dog whiney. He's old, he's diabetic, and he cries more than the baby does. Poor thing is driving me and my husband nuts, but what else can we do but deal with it? He's our baby, too. At least he's put some weight back on and is a trooper about the shots. Of course he's on the expensive Blue Buffalo food now, so that means Shiva and Rosabel are too...which means if anyone wants to Petco gift card me for my birthday, I'm for it.

Needless to say between the baby sometimes waking up at night, the dog definitely waking up at night, and my pump CGM going off several times a night sleep has become that friend who keeps telling me he's going to come by and see me but never does. On the other hand, I've grown closer to my buddy coffee the past few weeks. Some days I feel like chorus to a Jackson Browne song.

Yup. Running on Empty.

The short rundown of the last couple months, diabetes wise anyway, is that I've been using the generic insulin instead of the name brand and seen no real discernible difference. I've also started using the Bayer Contour Next blood glucose testing machine instead of the One Touch. Both changes are because of my insurance, if you'll remember, and I was pretty pissed off. Now? I don't really care.

Name brand no more.

 

Fact is I just don't have time to care. Diapers, feedings (both of the canine and baby persuasions), work...I'm busy! And because baby is a foster, we also have to add in birth parent visits, visits from his caseworker and visits from his lawyer. Seriously, the kid has a fuller schedule than I do. Even if the generic stuff wasn't working as well as the name brand I don't think I'd have to the time to protest the way I would have.

 

Fortunately, I really like the Contour. For one thing it has a color screen so it looks like something of this century. It's also faster than the One Touch was when it comes to reading my blood sugar, and it works just fine wirelessly with my pump. Also helps that I've been sent two free ones over the years, so I didn't have to buy one and I can have one to keep at home and one to take with me everywhere I go like I did the One Touch.

 

It has a USB....that means it's high tech.

 

I suppose someday when I have time I'll go in and set it up so that I can use my glucose testing device and computer together to track my blood sugars and see trends and stuff. The key words there are "when I have time" which in this case really means "desire to do it." I'm often doing dishes or laundry or diapers or a multi-tasking award worthy all three when I'm home, I can't do it at work, and when I do have a few minutes to myself I can think of SO many other things I'd like to do, like, oh...I don't know. Catch up on my blogging? It has actually taken over an hour to get up to this point between diaper changes and feedings and breakfast for me and the hubs, which he was kind enough to make for me, so when I do get a few minutes to myself it's actually really only a few minutes.

 

I know, excuses, excuses. How about this- I'd rather play Star Wars: The Old Republic with my husband for thirty minutes rather than putz around trying to figure out how to download software onto my laptop. At least it's honest!

 

Be careful out there today...it's the Ides, and we all know that means trouble!



 

 

 

The Year in Review

Well, it's been interesting. I've had some awesome things going on, and some not awesome things going on, and I guess everything has kind of balanced out.

The Awesome:

I have an awesome husband, though this has carried over from last year and the year before...and several years preceding that. We're actually coming up on fifteen years of marriage next year (we got married young) and I am grateful to have him.

We thought for sure we were going to lose Bandit last month, and it wasn't until we changed vets and discovered the poor thing has diabetes that he started to get better, and he's better. We're still figuring things out with him, but he's put weight back on and is more energetic, and I don't look at him and think he only has days left anymore. I think he'll be around for a while.

My last doctor's appointment went well, and my hemoglobin was 6.7 so I'm doing a lot better than I thought I was diabetes wise.

w00t.

I asked about the generic insulin thing, and they told me that it's basically the same thing as what I've been using, so I'm not going to worry about that. The blood testing strip thing I've still got to deal with, and cancel the automatic reorder that Medtronic does before I get charged for the whole order. I don't think they carry strips for other machines so I'll have to call the doctor's office and get them to either write a plea to the insurance company for me or prescribe me something that the insurance company will cover. This Christmas season has seen me eating more cookies than is necessary so I'll definitely need to get back on top of my game to keep that 6.7.

We got our first foster care placement, and baby has been a sweet and loving addition to our home. I wish I was allowed to share pictures because that smile would light your world. Being a parent has been about what I expected, though whether or not I was really prepared for that remains to be seen. It seems to have done good things for my blood sugars, which I had not expected. Running after a crawling baby counts as exercise, I guess.

I got to see New Kids on the Block four nights in a row this summer. I doubt I'll ever be able to swing that again so I'm glad I got to do it at least once, and I'm glad I got to hang out with some friends I don't get to see much. It was a lot of fun to scream and sing along and feel twelve again!

Work has been good. I like my job, I like the people I work with, and I think the next year will be more of the same there- only with new carpet! (It's going to be a major undertaking but I'm ridiculously excited about it!)

The Not So Awesome:

Well, I've still got diabetes, and now Bandit does. My husband still has headaches. And foster parenting is hard- harder than I had anticipated. There is a lot more to it than just parenting, and I don't know that I'd recommend it to many people because I think it takes a certain type of person to handle the emotional roller coaster that comes with it. We want what's best for baby, and whether that means staying with us or going back home remains to be seen, but either way I hope that baby will be happy and healthy. Time will tell how things will turn out!

Note to self: get a TARDIS.

I hope you all have a happy end to 2014 and a great beginning to 2015!

Diabetes Girl, meet Diabetes Dog

Yeah, you read that right. Bandit has diabetes. Poor thing gave us the scare of a lifetime this last weekend.

January 2011

For a while now my husband has not been a fan of our vet. He's thought for years that they over charge us, which they probably have been. As my experience with vets is limited  I've never had any reason to doubt where we've been going as far as care is concerned, but I told him if he wanted to get a second opinion he could if he wanted to. So since Bandit has been steadily declining the past month or two he decided it was time to do that. Bandit had bronchitis a couple months ago, and the vet had him on a ton of medication. Steroids, pain relievers, allergy meds, anxiety meds- he was taking more pills than us, but not getting better. Sure, he wasn't coughing anymore, but he was also losing weight at an alarming rate and clearly not eating. In fact, he was getting a lot worse- worse to the point that we were sure we were losing him, and taking him for a second opinion felt a little like a last ditch effort to avoid an ugly truth staring us in the face.

At first they thought he might have cancer, which broke my heart. They did a lot of blood work, and low and behold the pup's blood sugar was way out of control. Long story short (too late), he's not on pills anymore, except for the antibiotic he's on because of the pancreatitis the old vet never diagnosed and IV he was on during his four and a half day hospital stay. The other tests they did to check for cancer all came back negative, too. He very clearly has diabetes.

April 2012

Right now he's home, and we're giving him shots twice a day, and having to force feed him because after all of that his appetite is nonexistent, which is normal, especially considering how high his blood sugar was. At one point it was well over 600, so I can see why he wouldn't want to eat. He probably felt terrible, because I know if my blood sugar was that high all I'd want to do is drink the Atlantic Ocean and then maybe just die. Imagine the worst hangover you've ever had. Now double it. Would you want to eat? Hopefully in the next week or so he'll start to feel well enough that we won't have to puree his dog food and plunge it into his mouth so he'll have some nutrition.

The thing is, I feel like a prize idiot. Lethargy. Drinking excessive amounts of water. Losing weight dramatically. All things I know are a sign of diabetes, and I never put them together when I saw them in him. And then there's the fact hat he's been grossly overweight most of his life, and the last time he was in the ER the doctor saw his blood sugar was elevated and thought he may have it. When we checked with our now former vet and they redid his blood work he was in a normal range, but high normal. So I let it go, and it got bad, and then you add pancreatitis to that and it got very bad.

October 2013

Why didn't I see this coming? I mean, at that point we should have put him on a diet to lower his weight and have started to monitor his blood sugars all the fraking time, but we didn't. Now we have to nurse our poor baby back to health because he's rail thin, doesn't want to eat anything (though he does much better with the force feeding than I imagined he would), and has diafuckingbetes.

I feel so guilty.  I let him get fat. I fed him from the table. I didn't take him for walks. I didn't pay attention. And we almost lost him because of it. The good thing is that he doesn't seem to care much about the shots, and I can give those to him fairly easily right now. When his strength is back up to normal I'm hoping this stays the same, because even at  45 pounds he still puts up one hell of a fight with the force feeding!

So now we have in our home a diabetic mommy and diabetic doggy, a daddy with migraines, an older doggy who seems to be okay (thought now I'm wondering if we should take Shiva in for a physical all things considered), a Cairn terrier with hip dysplasia that has thankfully not progressed to a point where surgery is necessary, and a baby that laughs and gurgles and delights us all but keeps bringing home a head cold from daycare and passing it around to everyone. (Seriously, I just got over the last one and I'm sneezing again.)

My baby's home.

This Thanksgiving, I know what I am thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband, my family, my friends, my dogs (who are family). For Christmas this year, I don't want things. I don't want movies or toys or clothes or even my entire debt paid off (although if anyone is willing to do that I won't say no.) All I want for Christmas is for all of my family to be here, to be healthy, and to be happy, and I will consider myself a very lucky woman if this happens.

Sleepless Night Ramblings

I feel like sick has taken over my household. First baby was sick, then husband was sick, then I got sick, and I haven't been able to kick it. I'm on antibiotics, I'm choking on phlegm, and boy am I tired. I cannot wait until I'm healthy again.

Of course, that's never going to happen. You know. Dia-frickin-betes.

It's kind of funny, actually, that it is only NOW occurring to me that having diabetes basically means I am never "well" or "healthy" in strictest terms. Maybe this has occurred to me before and I just forgot- which is even funnier. How do you forget something like that?

I missed my last endocrinologist appointment because I was sick. I mean, I probably could have dragged myself down to get my blood work and gone in for it, but the numbers would have been all skewed. I have no clue what my numbers are since it's been six months, maybe, since I've had blood work done, so I'd really like them to be as accurate as possible so I can see just how much having a baby in the house has effected (affected?) my health.

Yes, even this English Major is guilty of a few of these. #BestWeirdAlSongEVER

 

I know how having a baby in the house has taken it's toll on other aspects of my life. It's a lot harder to pay attention to the dogs and give them the attention they are used to, and especially with Bandit this has become a problem because of his deteriorating health. Every now and then my husband and I realize that in the near future we may have to make a very hard choice, and it's eating me up inside.

 

I am also awake at unholy times of day. Like, 6 am. Who gets up at 6 am? I don't think I got up at 6 am when I was in high school and had to catch the bus at 6:40! I like to sleep in, and I'm a night owl. Or at least I was. Now if I'm awake for Blue Bloods on Friday night it's probably because I'm changing a diaper and have been woken up to do it. On the weekends it used to be common for me to not get up before eleven am at the earliest. Now that's when I put baby down for his second nap.

 

I'm still not eating a whole lot, and we've started to eat more fast food because it's easier than cooking. My poor digestive track is not happy with this (or perhaps it's the antibiotics?) I've lost about six pounds and seem to be maintaining there, so that's something. Hell, if I had the energy right now to get on the exercise bike for ten minutes I might start losing it again...but energy is something I am in short supply of these days, and   I try to conserve it for things like "having to go to work" and "chasing after the baby who just learned to crawl" and "Oh my GOD, how does one infant create so much LAUNDRY?"

 

If you get this, well done. If you don't- sorry.

 

I *could* be napping right now. I probably should be. But I have a work related meeting at Starbucks at nine, so I'd best be getting dressed.

 

Can you sleep in the shower?