Ramblings

There are two or three things I've come to know about life.

1. My dogs will bark at the most inopportune moments and shatter my ear drums when all I want is silence.

2. No matter how hard I try to be happy with things, there will always be something that makes me wish for a little more.

3. I know nothing about life.

See also Sgt. Schultz

It's number 2 that really gets my goat. For the most part, I'm a happy person. I have a husband that I love and who loves me. I have a job that usually fills me with a sense of purpose. I have friends and family that care about me. I've written a book, been on TV, participated in the running of large organizations...and yet I found this morning as I cleaned my house in preparation of Christmas decorating that I am not a happy camper today, and I couldn't really discern a good reason why, because life is going pretty well right now.

Without getting to into too many details, I've made some decisions (with the husband) that I think are putting us on a better financial path, so that's a good thing. I've decided it's time to hand over some of the duties to my second-in-command at work that I've been doing since her predecessor left a couple months ago, which will lessen my work load.  I did dishes last night so my kitchen isn't a total disaster, something that is always nice. My blood sugar was low most of the morning...

This eureka! moment brought to you by the man who really invented electricity as we know it.

I'm not saying that my moods are completely controlled by my blood sugars, but if I'm in a bad mood for no reason a lot of times it is because my blood sugar is on the downward spiral. My husband can usually tell when this is the case. When I'm being particularly bitchy he tells me to go check my blood sugar before he takes cover and more often than not it's low or quickly approaching low levels, which I'd figure out myself if, you know, my blood sugar wasn't low.

I hate how a woman's emotional state is so often attributed to "that time of the month." Sometimes a woman just gets down on herself and needs someone to tell her she's got value, and it's got nothing to do with her reproductive system. And while I admit I am often more liable to strike out in anger in the days preceding the start of my monthly cycle, I am also more likely to bite your head off for something totally unreasonable if my blood sugar is in the 50's. Just knowing this ticks me off, because it's a thing that I don't have 100% control over, which means I don't have 100% control over myself. Think about that for a second....it's scary, isn't it?

November is...

November is National Diabetes Month.

I don't know how I feel about this, honestly. I mean, yay- we have a month in which we are probably going to get more air time and more coverage, but we're really not. I did some research for another blog I am doing this month (over at The YALSA Hub, and it's not up yet or I'd link to it), and I learned that there isn't a large number of teen books with diabetic characters in it. This wasn't a complete surprise to me, since there weren't many when I was a teenager. What was surprising to me was that since I was a teenager there haven't been any NEW ones. More people get diabetes now than ever before and the literary world seems to have dropped it like a bad habit. Millions of people have diabetes and there aren't diabetics in our literature? 250,000 people get leukemia a year and there are at least four books that have come out in the last two years for teens that have characters with leukemia in them. The numbers seem skewed, though I admit that my interest has been limited to the young adult novel and for all I know there's a series written by Danielle Steel all about a woman who is a diabetic...not that I'd know, because I don't read Danielle Steel.

But this got me thinking...November is also National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo for short). Maybe I should just write a young adult novel about a teen with diabetes myself. How hard can that be? I've been a diabetic for *mumble mumble* years now. I'm pretty sure if it came down to it, I'd be able to accurately write about how it is to live with it, as a teenager even. Hell, that's what I'm doing here isn't it?

Get it?

 

Alas, if only it were that easy. If I were just writing about diabetes it would be. If I were just writing about living with diabetes it would be, too. But writing a young adult novel that talks about diabetes, and is entertaining, has some plot, and doesn't sound preachy? Some of the worst YA lit I've read has come across as preachy. And some of the worst YA lit I've read has been about a disease. In fact, there's one author in particular that has built a career on writing about teens with cancer or some other fatal ailment, and got two books about diabetes in there, too....and all of it is schmaltzy, predictable....

It's not Nicholas Sparks, but this also applies to him, too, I guess.



 

Honestly even  if it were easy, I'm not that motivated to write it, either. Writing a book is hard, and writing a good book is improbable, and writing a good book for teens is a total shot in the dark (kind of like booking a trip on Expedia- sometimes you get a great deal, some times you don't.) The big thing in literary circles, especially ones dealing with those under 18, is that you need to be able to see yourself in the literature you read. Kids who live in the suburbs tend to lean toward books that take place there, just as kids who are of a certain culture/religion need to see kids of their culture/religion in the books they read. It's a reaffirming thing- "Hey, this person is just like me!" even though we're all supposed to be ourselves and not be like other people, which I sometimes take to the extreme.

For instance, I'd wear this...in public.

 





But the idea has planted itself into my head, and I can't seem to let go of it. In fact, I jotted down some notes and ideas the other day that I think could really work. Now I just need to find the time to sit down and do it, and then get a publisher, and hopefully write it well enough that I can squeeze a few sequels out of it....




 

Is it November yet?

Halloween is almost here.

It's my least favorite holiday.

Can you guess why?

My blood sugar is now 300 just looking at this.

 

Being a diabetic and having little bite sized portions of things that smell so good just sitting there at the check out counter, sitting there on the sign in desk at the doctor's office...filling the drawers in my office cabinet because it's Spooky Stories week at the library and the kids come in costume and trick or treat through every department...well, it's weeks of temptation and frankly, I fall off the wagon. Not even Easter, with the chocolate bunnies and Cadbury Crème Eggs, or Christmas, with the peppermint bark and candy canes, has quite the association with all things sweet and bad for you that Halloween does.

 

Even as a kid I always found it a little...I don't know, what's the word...unfair to send a person who isn't supposed to eat candy out into the night dressed as Barbie/G.I. Joe/whatever to beg for it. Don't get me wrong- dressing up is fun, and gallivanting off into the neighborhood after dark with your friends is, too, but what's to stop you from doing that at any time of year? When all was said and done my friends would be noshing on a pillowcase full of goodies, and even if I snuck one or two pieces at their houses when I got home my mom would confiscate it before my costume was even off- even those really uncomfortable plastic jobbies that they don't even sell anymore. You know what I'm talking about. The ones that had a plastic mask and a plastic smock telling you what the costume was just in case the person answering the door didn't have a TV or a kid?

 

For more epic badness go to http://www.comicsalliance.com/2011/10/26/bad-halloween-costumes/

 

Halloween really wasn't a big deal, to be honest. My friends never gave me trouble, my little sister (who often hung out with me and my friends since we're so close in age) never gave me trouble either. And even though Mom always intervened on my behalf when I got home, she doled it out one or two pieces at a time in my lunch box- sometimes through Christmas! (Stick the chocolate in the freezer and it will last as long as you can make it.) But the principle of the thing kind of rankles me now.

 

Candy aside, I'm still not a fan of Halloween. I don't like "scary" movies, and never have. I've never seen "The Shining" or "Scream" or any of the "Halloween" movies...I've never seen "Psycho" or "The Birds" either. I've seen "It" and let me tell you, that's more than enough scary for me. Scary just isn't my thing at all. And then there was that year the dog across the street scared me so much I didn't go out trick or treating for at least another four years. (I was terrified of dogs as a kid, and dogs are terrified of Halloween, so it really was a match made in Hell. Be kind to your dogs and lock them up before you open the door this year.)

 

So basically, the whole holiday could go away and I'd be okay with it....well, except for one thing.

 

What I believe Halloween was created for, and the holiday's sole reason for existing.

 

 

The long and winding road...

So, that medical procedure went okee-day. Except for the fact that I'm feeling kinda like I had a medical procedure, and I can't quite shake the alien feeling. Also, they pump you full of air to make room for their surgical instruments, I think, which makes for an uncomfortable couple of days.

Just sayin'.

 

The thing about medical anything and diabetes is that no matter what people tell me about how long it takes to recover, I always end up taking longer to heal than I expect- even when I'm in really great shape diabetes-wise, which, I must admit, I have not been this past month. Between being sick for a while with a lingering head cold and then this surgery thing, diet and exercise have not had a place in my home. Needless to say, both my glucometer and the scale have been showing me higher numbers than I would like.

 

 

 

Here's the weird, totally not expected thing about this...I miss exercising. I miss eating right. I must be missing a few screws, too, because this isn't me. I'm all about noshing on deep fried stuff and sitting on my butt and playing video games or watching "The Princess Bride" for the one thousand one hundred and thirty eighth time. I'm lazy. I'm so lazy I have a theme song written by Irving Berlin and sung by none other than Bing Crosby, because yes I am that cool.

 

It's called "Lazy," ironically enough.

 

But here I am, actually kind of craving exercise and vegetables. I'm guessing this a good thing...it's odd, but I think somewhere along the line I may have made a life change. I'm planning on really getting going on Sunday when I have the all clear to exercise again, and hopefully by the end of December I'll be down five pounds or so and back on track with those blood sugars.

 

The only problem I really foresee is having to come up with a new theme song...

 



Yeah. That'll work.



< insert snark here >

Not feeling my snarkiest today, which is bad, because I love my snark. It's kewl.

There's a reason I'm not feeling very snarky today. One, my blood sugar is kinda high right now, which always puts me in a foul mood. The other is I'm having a medical procedure done on Friday that requires anesthetic, and I'm not exactly looking forward to this. In fact, I'd have to say I'm the polar opposite of looking forward to this.

I won't get into details, but it's a routine thing that literally half of everyone I've talked about it to have either had it done or know someone who has. That doesn't make it any less nerve wracking. I don't like being put under for anything. When I had my wisdom teeth pulled a few years ago I woke up in the middle of the procedure and let me tell you, that's not a good experience. Kind of like in Awake....only not like that at all, actually, and with a lot less Hayden Christensen.

It took less time to become Darth Vader.

 

My real problem with this is that I can't eat anything (I can't even drink water) for at least eight hours before my procedure, which is scheduled for early afternoon. In case you're new here, I'm a diabetic. Not eating all morning is not usually recommended. I've already had to reschedule this once for work related reasons...I don't really want to have to put it off again because I needed to keep my blood sugar from crashing (though with the high blood sugar trend I've had going, that is probably the least of my worries at this point.)

 

It doesn't help that my allergies are really kicking up, too, which makes me cranky. There's a list of medications a page long that I am not supposed to take for at least a week before this surgery, and rather than read it because it's long and the same medication can be called three different things, I've just cut myself off of all meds other than insulin. No pain meds, no allergy meds, and I've even run out of vitamins, though I gotta say I'm a little glad not to be swallowing those horse pills anymore.

 

'Nuff said.

 





Anyway, if you would be nice enough to send some good juju out into my general direction Friday, that would be nice of you. And if you can't send good juju, at least send pizza 'cause this girl is gonna be HUNGRY when all is said and done.

The demons that keep me up at night

I had a really bad blood sugar day Thursday. I mean, it was BAD.

Sorry...I'm not much of a photographer.

 

This is my Dex meter. It's the continuous blood glucose testing system that I've got. The bottom, solid line means I'm LOW, really LOW, like below 40 low. The dotted line a little above it means my blood sugar is 80. The dotted line above that means 160. The top of the screen there is 400. I like to keep my blood sugar in between the dotted lines. This was a 12 hour view of my blood sugars. So from midnight the night before through noon on Thursday, I pretty much felt like crap.

 

Today has been much better, but after napping on the couch this afternoon with the AC cranked a little too high my throat is really sore and my head feels really stuffy. I was over whatever cold symptoms I had last month this weekend because there was no way I could have done this if I'd been sick:

 

Band was AWESOME. Venue was NOT.

 

Thursday was one of those days where I needed to keep reminding myself that being perfect isn't going to happen (or, rather, my husband needed to remind me). The frustrating thing is that a day like that usually takes a few days to get over blood sugar wise, but I carry the self loathing and failure longer. So basically, same stuff, different day.

 

Today I've been better about keeping track of my calories and I think this week I'll be getting back on the exercise bandwagon, but after this last month of sick and #fail I know my next doctor appointment isn't going to be as nice as the last, which irritates me. It also inspires me to make sure the next three weeks are better than the last three, so I can at least counteract things a little bit.

 

On blink-182's most recent album (Neighborhoods, it's awesome, go get it) there's a song called "Up All Night." The chorus goes like this-

 

Let me get this straight,

Do you want me here?

As I struggle through

Each and every year.

And all these demons,

They keep me up all night.

 

I know what demons keep me up all night.







Diabetes vs. Diabetes

As you probably know by now, I have diabetes. What you may not know is that there is more than one type of diabetes. In fact, off the top of my head, I can think of three.

Gestational diabetes is something only pregnant women get. There are several factors that can lead to it, but according to WebMD only about 4% of pregnant women get it. And even they are smug.

To the three people who get that joke, Garfunkel & Oates thank you. For the others? YouTube.

Type 2 Diabetes is the one that most people have. In fact, over 90% of people with diabetes have Type 2. Type 2 is preventable. A healthy diet and active lifestyle go a long way, and if you're lazy and eat nothing but fast food Type 2 diabetes is likely to be in your future. Before anyone flies off the handle, not everyone with Type 2 diabetes is obese and lazy, but a sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits can definitely lead to diabetes. Type 2 diabetes can be controlled with diet, exercise, and some medications. It can also be controlled with insulin, which is why they shy away from calling it non-insulin dependant diabetes anymore. There are other factors that can lead to Type 2- including a family history of diabetes.

I have Type 1 diabetes. Interestingly enough, according to WebMD, most people with Type 1 have no family history of diabetes. (My paternal grandmother had Type 2, but other than that? Just me.)When I was a kid people always assumed I'd eaten too much sugar and given it to myself. Considering I was 14 months old when I was diagnosed, I think we can safely say that overindulgence on chocolate had little to do with it. The truth is that my immune system went all Kill Bill on my Islets of Langerhans (the cells in the pancreas that produce insulin). Viola! Diabetic.

It's all very wibbly wobbly, timey wimey.

 

Both Type 1 and Type 2 are serious, and untreated will lead to a whole grocery list of miserable complications, and even death. But the key word for me is preventable. I don't know what I could have done, or what my parents could have done, to stop my immune system from going wiggity wiggity whack on me. But if your doctor tells you to shape up and eat more greens or face diagnosis, I think it's safe to say that you had fair warning. Also, I was just informed by a friend (and my husband, who knows just about everything, confirmed this) that people with Type 2 diabetes who have undergone gastric bypass have been known to be cured. (Whether because of a strange self healing the body does when you slice open and refit a person's stomach, or because once you've had gastric bypass you have to change your diet dramatically I'll let you decide on your own.)

 

I probably sound unsympathetic to the 90% of people with Type 2. I am in some ways. I had a coworker several years ago who was a Type 2 diabetic. (One of my other coworkers referred to him as "that damned New Yorker.") He was overweight, didn't eat right, and didn't exercise, but he complained to me that his doctor wanted to put him on insulin. I told him he should take his meds, watch his diet and exercise to keep that from happening. He didn't, and while I felt his pain, I also felt he was an idiot. Some people, and not just Type 1 diabetics but some Type 2 diabetics, too, just don't have the option to "turn it around."

 

I don't know exactly what it's like to have Type 2 diabetes, but I imagine that the logistics are fairly close to being Type 1. You have to eat right. You have to check your blood sugar. You should maintain some level of exercise. And that's not easy. You've got no idea what it's like to have a high blood sugar until you've had one, and man do they suck. You feel like absolute crap. Tired. Thirsty. Nauseated. Weak. Irritable. Who the hell wants to exercise or eat healthy when you feel like ass? No one. Not even me. Especially not me. I'm the Queen of Lazy even on a good day. I procrastinate like it's an art form.

 

(insert snarky caption here at some point)

 

But I tell you what, if my doctor told me tomorrow I wouldn't have to wear a pump or do blood tests if all I did was follow a specific diet and exercise everyday, that elliptical machine of mine wouldn't have a spec of dust on it and I'd be eating exactly what I was told to eat. Would it be easy? Hell no! Would it be worth it? Abso-frickin-lutely.

 

When I got my first job with my current employer they fingerprinted me for a background check four times. Each time my fingerprints came back because they could not be read. I'd done so many blood tests over the course of my life that I had no fingerprints. I ended up having to have my fingers laser scanned four years into my career. My arms and legs and stomach are all misshapen with scar tissue from years of shots and insertion sets. I've already got a little bit of diabetic retinopathy starting in my eyes. And even with diet and exercise, I'm still jamming a tube into my stomach every four days, and having to give insulin, and not always doing a great job of things.

 

In spite of my unsympathetic tone, I'm actually glad most diabetics have Type 2. That means many of them have the opportunity to reverse the effects of diabetes and get themselves back to normal. One of my co-workers asked me the other day if I'd gotten any comments or feedback from Type 2 diabetics on this blog. I haven't really addressed the differences before, so I'd be interested to know what people have to say.