The Glad Game...not something usually played at the Pity Party

Do you remember the old Disney movie "Pollyana" that starred Haley Mills? When I was a kid I loved that movie. I've never read the book, but I had the movie on tape and I watched it over and over, almost to the point I had it memorized. In it Pollyana played this thing called "the glad game" where she'd try to think of things that made her glad when her life was not going so well. I've been playing it in my head the past few days...and I keep losing.

When regular fail just isn't good enough

 

Yes, my foot has an injury that is making it hard for me to get around. I am rubbish on crutches. I can barely walk with them, let alone carry anything, work, take a shower, help with dinner, or do pretty much anything except drive. I ache all over because I have zero upper body strength and there are muscles being using right now that I am pretty sure have never been used before in my life. My blood sugars have been *mostly* okay though all of this, though the fact that I can't do any exercise (other than moving from one room to another, which makes me break a sweat) is taking its toll. And if I don't blow out my right knee before this is over it will be a miracle.

 

Oh, and I missed this on Saturday:

 

I got the Maroon 5 tickets in November. The seats weren't this good, but still.

 

This is the pity party talking, though. I have more than enough good things and wonderful things in  my life to make up for this temporary inconvenience. I do. And I can list them until I'm blue in the face. I have an amazing husband that is taking care of me. I have a pack of dogs that love me. I have a job I love, friends that are there for me, staff that are willing to pick up some extra work because I can't do it. I can still drive myself around. I am getting exercise every time I pick up those crutches. I have the time to take off of work and heal. I missed Maroon 5 but I'm not missing New Kids on the Block. Rob Paulsen liked a Facebook post I tagged him in, which is epically cool. And the most obvious, this is only temporary...

 

So why am I still depressed and cranky?

 

Because this is how I feel emotionally

 

I am listening to positive music. I am reading positive books (and since I read mostly Young Adult literature that's a hard thing to do because apparently all that teens want to read these days is depressing dystopian garbage.) I am forcing myself to think happy thoughts, and maybe that's my problem. I am forcing myself to be happy when I'm really not. How can I be happy? I'm the one who tries to take care of things and now I'm a burden on everyone I love and I can't even get myself a drink unless it's in a sippy cup...

 

Granted, my version of a sippy cup is AWESOME

 

I think I just haven't given myself time to wallow in a little self pity so I can pick myself up and deal with it. I keep thinking to myself "I can handle this" and I know I can, because what choice do I have, really? Even when I stayed home from work the day after I tore my plantar fascia I was like, "Oh, well. Missing a concert I didn't really want to go to anyway." (Lie. Just a flat out lie.) "Oh, well. Gonna have to use some sick leave. No biggie." (Lie. I am surely going to miss out on bonus days now and I don't feel sick at all.) "Oh, well. I can stay home and write." (Lie. I haven't been able to write anything outside of a blog and that's one of the most frustrating things ever.) I keep saying I'm fine to everyone including myself but I'm not and I won't let myself realize it. Well, until now.

 

 

Better of Ted, 2009-2010

Gone but not forgotten...

That Soothsayer Wasn't Messin' Around

Today is the Ides of March, and brother, I wasn't prepared for it. At. All. Beware the Ides of March?  Dude, that's the understatement of the year so far.

Everything started out normal today. I woke up feeling pretty good. Got in my 30 minutes of exercise, got myself some coffee and some lunch packed, and I was ready to start my day. I made it to the car, put my stuff in it and....water is seeping out of my garage.

Well, I've lived in this house long enough to know not to ignore things like this, and when I went into the garage I found the water softener had sprung a leak.

Water, water everywhere...

 

No problem, though I admit I had a brief moment of panic. I called the plumber, my husband came home so I could cover the desk at work, and it didn't even cost us a second mortgage to get fixed. Little bump in the road, but out of the way early, so no worries.

 

Riiight.

 

While I was at work I noticed my foot was hurting more than yesterday. I figured it was because yesterday when I was at the podiatrist he gave me a night brace to wear, and it was a little awkward. I'm not used to it yet, so it probably made me a little sore. No big deal. But late this morning while I was walking to another department, my foot popped. When I say "my foot" I really mean the plantar fascia which has been giving me grief for the last month, and when I say "popped" I mean I heard and felt something that I never want to hear or feel again. Within a minute I was breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling so sick to my stomach I thought for sure I was going to toss my cookies right in the hallway.

 

 

I called home to talk to my hubby, who offered to take me to the hospital. I decided against that and called my doctor, who said to not put any pressure on it and to come back in as soon as possible and see one of his partners since he was gone the rest of the day. My parents drove a walker over to me and I tried to get as much work done as I could before I had to leave for my appointment because I was pretty sure from how much pain I was in that my work week was done at this point.

 

Turns out I tore the damn plantar fascia in my left foot, which is apparently a rare and not so wonderful occurrence. Fortunately (?) when they do surgery on a PF they cut it to stretch it out, so basically my foot skipped ahead. Now I have to stay off of my foot for at least one week, maybe two, and I need to learn how to get around on crutches. I've never broken a bone so this will be a new experience for me. Oh, and I have to wear one of these:

 



The Boot.

 

Oh, I also left my Dex meter at work in my hobbled haste to get to the doctor, so my husband, who at this point had already taken off half the day for the plumbing, took off the rest of the day so he could go get that and then come home and take care of me, which is good because the walker I borrowed from my parents has already given me a blister. We're gonna borrow some crutches from a friend instead and hope I fare better on those.

 

The worst of this is that exercising is going to be even more difficult now. I was getting used to the exercise bike- really liked using it, in fact. Two weeks done and I really felt good about it. And now with the boot I have to find other ways to get my aerobics in. It's always something, isn't it?

 



Not looking a gift horse in the mouth

I had my last doctor's appointment of the month this morning, and it went surprisingly well. I've been stressed out the past three months or so, as some of you know. Things not in my control have been weighing heavily on my mind. Add that to the serious lack of exercise due in part to my foot being uncooperative, and I was expecting to see my nice 6.9 Hba1c look more like an 11 (which in this case is not a good thing despite what the members of Spinal Tap say.)

Here's the report.

 

!!!!!

 

My husband says not to look a gift horse in the mouth, my doctor says I must thrive on stress. I say...well, when I figure out what to say I'm sure it will be a smashing reply. To say that I am pleased would be an understatement.

 

I cannot figure out what I did either, which is frustrating. I certainly haven't been eating well, though I am now more inspired to get on MyFitnessPal.com...which sucks because I can't remember my password and I can't remember the password for the email address I used to sign up for it. Anyways, my point is that if I did know what it was I had done to get better control while seemingly having worse control I would tell you.

 

I gave up caffeine and am trying to stay away from aspartame if at all possible, which has limited my drink selections but I don't think has given me better control over my diabetes. I've been trying to at least eat less throughout the course of the day, which usually ends with me binge eating at night when I would usually be exercising. Seriously, I'm at a total loss here. I'm pondering and think I come to a conclusion that makes sense but...

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?

Strangely enough seeing that I'm doing better than I thought has really made me want to do better. I have plans this summer that I want to be in better shape for, and I have long term plans that I need to be in better shape for, so knowing that I am harder on myself about my health and that I am closer to that 5.9 than I was six months ago is actually really motivating. I'm going to get a stationary bike so I can work out while watching How I Met Your Mother. I'm going to remember my password to My Fitness Pal and start using it again. I can get this!

Now if we could just get this off of my kitchen table...

Not a lie.

 



Where's the Doctor?

I don't know if it was a conscious decision or not, but most of my doctors all have offices along the same street. In my head I've started to call this street Doctor Row. And this month I'll have spent way more time on Doctor Row than I want to. It's not that I'm sick- well, not any sicker than usual. I'm trying to take better care of myself...and it seems whenever I do that all hell breaks loose.

Nothing a sonic screwdriver won't fix...

 

I went to see the optometrist first, because I was overdue for my yearly check up. Now I have a prescription that is not much different from the one I am currently using but didn't want to shell out $150 for new sunglass frames. My insurance helps to pay for new lenses every year but new frames every other  year...not sure how that works, exactly, but since I can't very well be without my glasses long enough for them to send them out to have the lenses put in and sent back I guess I...alternate between sunglasses and regular ones? I don't know.

 

 

He's already TARDIS blue!

 

After that came a totally unplanned trip to the podiatrist, where I learned that wearing cheap shoes for most of my life has resulted in plantar fasciitis, a nice doctory way of saying "Damn, it hurts to walk." Basically it's inflammation of the thick tissue (the plantar fascia) on the bottom of your foot. It's what connects your toes to your heel and helps form your arch. I'm only allowed to swim and bicycle for exercise until it heals. No Walking/Running/Jogging. Well, No Pool, and Not Able To Swim Anyway because of Dex Sensor Permanently Attached to My Stomach. And also No Bike. And NO GYM MEMBERSHIP because that's just throwing money away if you're me. I never thought I'd miss exercising until I was medically instructed not to do it.

 

Truth.

 

This morning I am going to get blood work done for my appointment with my endocrinologist next week. I had to hit up a quick- care this weekend already for another infection that needed antibiotics, so by the time February is over I'll have been to the doctor (including the follow up next week with my podiatrist) six times.

 

Ugh. At this rate I'll need a time machine in order to make it to all these appointments. Somebody get me in touch with The Doctor...

 

 



CAUTION: May Be Habit Forming

I just did a thirty minute cross training routine. My legs feel like Jell-O. I am sweaty and the dogs keep trying to lick the salty from my face. I am parched and have already downed 16 ounces of nice cold h2o. I feel a little gross and am in desperate need of a shower...

But I could get used to this. It's a good feeling.

I've been done now for about five minutes or so and my breathing has returned to normal so I'm actually in pretty good shape as it is. I want to be better, though. I want to be toned. I want to be healthy. And I want to be taking less figgin' insulin.

$70 bucks a bottle, retail.

 

I've noticed that when I exercise more and eat less I use less insulin. (I know, it's a wonder I haven't won the Nobel Prize for smarts.) I have plenty of reasons to bust my butt and get in better shape, but  when I get around to exercising I still feel like it's an even worthy of a blog. It shouldn't be. It should be status quo. It should be a blog worthy event when I don't exercise.

 

I've been tossing around the idea of getting a gym membership and getting a personal trainer. Maybe having someone nag me and tell me what I'm doing wrong (and right) would help. The weather is getting nicer...I could try to take up running again. I don't know why I want  to exercise but never seem to be motivated enough to actually do it.

 

Okay...that just doesn't look right at all.



Beeeee Positive

It's the day before my conference trip to the Pacific Northwest. I am both excited about it, and dreading it. How I can be both things equally has me a little perplexed...kind of like when I try to fix my computer without asking for my husband's help first.

Got this off of Guudmorning's Flickr stream and kind of wonder if I'm being spied on because I've made this face before...

Anyway, I am excited because I get to see friends I have not seen in a while (yay!), and because I've not ever been to Seattle and I like to visit new places. I am also excited because going to conferences always rejuvenates me and re-inspires me in my career, which is something that I need to do every now and then otherwise I get in a rut and then feel like I'm not contributing to society the way I should be. And while I am not looking forward to spending time away from the husband he gets some guilt free WOW time and I don't have to fight for space on the bed for a couple nights.

But dear Lord I can't stand to fly. The whole concept scares me. You're up in the air, no net, no wires, in a thing that weighs a lot and looks nothing at all like it should be able to get off the ground even a little without one of those giant ass cranes they use to build skyscrapers.

Does this really look like something that belongs UP in the AIR?

Even if I can get past my fear of  110 year old technology I still have other issues I need to contend with. I usually sleep on planes, but the take off and landing parts always make me ill, especially flying into places that have too much wind (I'm talking about you, Vegas) and most especially if I'm already having tummy issues, which are going to be there if I am stressed out. Which I am. Also, there is dealing with getting through airport security, which I may have mentioned before is always a hassle because for some reason I am the only person in the world with an insulin pump and a continuous blood glucose testing monitor... I'll save that rant for some other time.

I really need to start packing. First thing that goes into the suitcase? Diabetes supplies. Unless, of course, I am going to just do carry-on, in which case they are the last thing that goes in because chances are I will have to take them out and show them to someone. Some might say that I should always keep my supplies with me even if I do check my luggage because then when the airline loses everything I will at least have the important things.  And I might be inclined to agree with that now that I've really thought about it.

Carry on it is.

 

I resolve to do nothing

Happy New Year!

This year I will not resolve to do a damn thing because a few years ago I made a resolution to stop making those things, and for once it stuck.

I have decided this year to exercise more and eat better, which I decide to do every year. But if I fall off the wagon, and get back on, so be it. It's not a crime to screw up. If it were a crime we'd all have rap sheets ten miles long. To err is human, after all.

Also, my blood sugar is low as I write this, so let's see where it goes. (Before anyone gets all bent outta shape, yes, I am taking care of it. It takes time for it to come up, though, so why not see where this goes?)

I am trying to be better bout eating right and not worry so much about calories, mostly because I think the exercise will do more than eating nothing but carrot sticks and half size portions. As long as I am not eating fast food and binging on family size bags of chips I should be okay. I'm also trying to do exercise that I can do anywhere since there is going to be a lot of travel in my future if the hubs, work, and New Kids on the Block all align the way I want them to.

Travel for any reason always messes me up. I hate flying, so in the days leading up to a flight I get nervous. I don't sleep well anyplace other than my bed. I can't always eat right when I'm at a conference because I'm rushing around trying to get to meetings and what have you. And don't get me started on time zones.

A 9 am meeting in Boston is great when your body doesn't think it's only 6.

 



Travel is also a pain when you have two medical devices, various lengths of sharp pointy needles, and other medical sundries to concern yourself with. I may be gone three days, but I need to take six days worth of supplies with me because most of this stuff I can't just hit up the local drugstore for. If you forget your tooth brush, well, most hotels can accommodate you. I forget my pump supplies? Very bad things.

I'll be heading to the Pacific NW for a conference in a couple weeks, and already I am stressing about packing and getting through airport security and making sure I have enough stuff with me in case of emergency...Imagine how stressed I'll be the night before my flight. I'll let Phillip J. Fry demonstrate.

Exactly. Thanks Fry.

I let myself get stressed, I know, but honestly, who doesn't stress out when there is travel involved? It's fun, and can be very rewarding, but there is always a part of me that just wants to say, "Let's stay home, okay?"